Four Years Down the Drain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Four Years Down the Drain
7
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:46pm
I have been dating the same guy for 4 years. For the past year, we have lived together. I thought that everything was going great. We picked out a house (which is only in his name) and painted, carpeted, decorated and landscaped this house to make it our home. He has always had a very hard time expressing his feelings to me. Over the years, I have asked him how he felt about our relationship and where it is going. Then, out of the blue, he finally wants to talk about it. Bad news for me. He told me that since we have been together for four years and he still cant make a committment to marry me that maybe we are not meant to be. He said he thinks it would be best if I moved out and we both moved on with our lives. Of course, this is devastating to me. He totally broke my heart. I'm loosing my best friend and the love of my life. I can't imagine being out there and trying to live a life without him. He was the most wonderful man I have ever met and its incredibly hard to part. I keep thinking of all of the times that we have spent and all of the memories that we have made and its killing me to throw it all away. I know that there is nothing that I can do to change his mind but how on earth do you just get over it and move on? Im a mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:53pm
It will take some time, you won't just "get over it" too quickly. Let yourself heal. I think its better to break off a bf/gf relationship than marry and then have to divorce. DOn't think of it as 4 years down the drain, think of it as 4 years, you spent loving someone that loved you back and all the joy associated with that. Now its come to an end and you will get past it. Some of us have been through worse and still trudge alone. Allow yourself a proper grieving time!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:17pm
I too was in a 4 year relationship that I thought was going down the road to marriage, house, kids, etc. It wasn't until I kept trying to talk to him about what he wanted and if he wanted me that I realized that maybe this wasn't meant to be. I could only hear from him that he wasn't "absolutely positive" so many times. We broke it off 10 months ago and it was the best thing that happened to me.

When you say he was "wonderful", take a step back and really evaluate what you are saying. AGain, I don't know all the details, but I am assumming that you were not getting all of your needs met in this relationship as he did not share with you exactly how he felt - and thats what you needed. I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I too feel like 4 years down the drain. However, I have now realized that this past relationship is bringing me closer to the actual "one".

As for the current moment, try to regain your independence. What things did you like to do, that you never did with him, call old friends, etc. Time will tell - he may realize he made a huge mistake, and will you be around? or you may realize that you need more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:53pm
I know that I am not the only one out there that has gone through a break up with the person that you thought to be "the one", but its hard nonetheless. Though, your right, its not fair to myself to try to hang on to something or someone that doesnt defiantely feel the same way about you. I guess it could only lead to further heartbreak and disaster. I suppose when I think hard about it, no, all of my needs werent getting met, but the good times far outweighed the bad and we got along and treated each other respectfully and fairly. That was important to me. I know that I will get over it and I will move on - hopefully to bigger and greater things. I just feel like we had so much and my entire life has been thrown in to upheavel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 2:06pm
Very sorry to hear your story. Yes--time is what you need. It will take time to get over it and move on. This may not be a quick thing-the pain could last for years, just try to do things with friends-talk to your friends about it when you need to and try to get "other" things on your mind (school maybe? whatever) set a new goal for yourself (lose weight, stop smoking--whatever may be the case) and put all your free time into that--it will help keep your mind off of it and once you accomplish the goal you will feel good about yourself. As someone that has lost a long term engagement and still dealing with it 1 1/2 years after the breakup-all I can tell you is that YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS and you will be a stronger person because of it. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 4:47pm
Hi,

Just figured I'd add my experience in here too. I was also in a 4-year relationship. We loved each other more than anything...we still love each other. But, we broke up for the better. A year and a half has passed since then. We still talk and even see each other as friends. We have both done a lot of growing since then, and ultimately decided that we were too immature to have gotten married then. If we are meant to be together, then fate will bring us together again in the future. In the meantime, we are living our own lives and learning from each and every experience. Take this time to get to know yourself better, improve yourself and grow as an independent woman. This is a really difficult time, but I promise you it will get easier each and every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 6:55pm


Dear debzy2004,

I am sorry to hear of your experience.

A very close friend of mine was in a 6-year relationship that we all knew was going to end in marriage and all that good stuff. The guy (at the end of 6 LONG years) started having "doubts" and they ended up breaking up.

For a while, my friend was really lost. I think she lost "herself" while she was with this guy and after he left, she didn't know what to do and floundered for a while.

It's been almost 6 months now and while I think she is still hurting, I have also seen her try to find things that she can concentrate on with big bursts of energy.

I really think time heals everything...even the worst pains. You WILL get over it. But IT HURTS every step of the way.

When you ARE over though, you will realize that you are a much more mature person...and stronger.

My advice is that the fastest way to the road to healing and recovery is to first get away from him and everything that reminds you of him (which must be a lot of things) and second, to involve yourself into something you care about and put as much energy as you can into it.

You always have US to talk to.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 1:14pm
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