freak out

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
freak out
19
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 7:43pm
This inquiry is for me and a friend, who's sort of going through the same thing. So, the other night, I freaked out and called my boyfriend like a zillion times in an hour. The next day, we talked on the phone and he was like, how many times did you call me last night? I was like, um, alot! Where were you?? He said he was sleeping. I said for him not to mind my craziness because I am just really stressed. He said it's ok, he understood. We might be apart for w hile in the Fall and I told him I knew someone who could get him a free ticket to visit me and he made some comment about our school schedules. It sounded like he felt pressure to visit me all the time, when that's not what I intended at all! He was reading way too much into it. He e-mailed me something that morning and then we talked again at the end of the day after his work.
This was on Thursday and I've not heard from him since. So my question is, is it over then? Did I scare him off with my crazy behavior? Or am I overthinking it? The longest we've gone without speaking to each other is one day. Today will be the second day. Of course my friends are like, Halle, you are never this way. You are not perfect and if he doesn't forgive your one freak out, you don't need him!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:58pm
I don't know why you are concerned because you wanted to break up with him anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:08pm

Hi Halle,
Freak outs happen. I know, lol. I have tried to control my freak outs but I feel one coming on soon! Hang in there. I know you had mixed emotions on staying or leaving him. It's a rollercoaster for sure. Maybe he felt you were in control and now this is his way of taking that control back. I'll repeat a somewhat version of what someone else said on your other thread.....maybe its a lack of care or concern for what you are going through rather than trying to manipulate you.

Men, as I'm finding in my latter years, would rather re-plumb an entire bathroom than discuss feelings with us. Somehow I think they don't want to look like the bad guy and hurt us with the truth but end up hurting us even more by dissapearing. This way, they don't have to "see" or "listen" to the hurt in our voices.

Advice, as I've been given, don't initiate any more contact with him. Easier said than done, heck ya! I'm there with ya. Plus what you have going on with not being sure about your other situation that can't be easy. One thing at a time. Focus on your health, make an appointment with the Dr. If you are in the clear, then it's time to clear your life of him. His being at a different location in the fall will help ease things and hey, it's summer time. Go out and enjoy yourself, for yourself.

Patty

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:35pm

"I have tried to control my freak outs but I feel one coming on soon!"--- you see - this is what I am talking about - having freakouts instead of a good time - that is not what dating should be all about.

Men and women are entirely different animals. Try having a real discussion with a guy about something that bothers you. Have you noticed that men are more comfortable having talks while doing something, rather than sitting with you at a table while you discuss your hurts with them? You want their undivided attention and you want it "now" and they can't seem to do the face to face sit down and have a real conversation with you. Have you ever watched fathers and sons talk? They fish while they talk, wash cars, mow lawns, tinker in the garage.

I have tried to not confront men while I am still visibly angry - realizing that men dont cope well with emotions flying in their face. I try to get calm first and then talk, but my anger or emotions still well up inside. And of course we initially think we want them to see the hurt and pain they caused in us...but we realize it is too stupid to let them see that cuz they dont care (because everything revolves around them) - so you can't give them your energy that way. So I prefer for them to just see nothing. If things are that bad that I am upset all the time then it is time for me to go - not recite to them an encyclopedia as to why I am discontented. Less is more in this case. Less talk and more action will make me happier. If you explain to someone how you expect to be treated, and the guy seems to not "remember" or seems to not take it seriously...why would anyone want to further engage with someone like that?

And contrary to what men have said, I'm not cute or sexy when I'm angry. It is impossible to be cute or sexy when I am spewing venom. They say that to us so that we calm down...I'm not stupid you know.

All of the angst you guys are feeling and discussing is why I have opted over my years to entangle myself in very few "real" relationships and just have a good time with guys in short term flings or something more casual and not get caught up with all of this hurt and pain and ridiculousness that women deal with when they get into relationships. I am not going through what everyone goes through, just so I can have regular sex and a steady Saturday night date. That is not my style. I would rather be alone, like I am tonight. Or, like I've said, I end up leaving the relationship because I've had enough.

I was once told, "all men leave" by a woman who I was once friends with many years ago. I didn't wish to believe her because then...you lose love or the idea of love. But I see what women of all ages and all marital statuses are going through and I know there are men who don't behave this way...but maybe that friend from long ago was right alot of the time...all men leave..one day...and "forever" really means "temporary".

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:32pm

I agree wholeheartdly with you. Since my divorce, five years ago, I have only been in two "real" relationships. The first one was for a year and a half, younger guy who ended up cheating on me. Figured out later on that even though we were together so long, he was my rebound guy and I got over it and trusted to love again. A year later I started seeing this guy I've been talking about.

With both guys I've had a pretty easy time talking to them. They both found me very easy going and easy to talk to. I've found talking while they are driving is not too bad or during commercials. Keeps them distracted enough to listen but not have to make eye contact, lol. I've tried not to spit the venom on them but I'm not a confrontational type. Just "feel" like freaking out sometimes!

And halle, we all feel the urge to keep calling until they answer. We can't help ourselves. Just chalk it up to a bad day and if he can't forgive you for that one episode, he's not the one for you.

Something I have found handy this past week........write an email, or two or ten. Then save it to draft. Later, go back and re read or delete. It helps to get things that you want to say out, without really doing any damage! Hint: DO NOT put an addressee on the send line just incase you make a mistake and hit send!

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 12:11am
I keep forgetting to ask you; why you two are going to be apart for awhile during the fall?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:20am
We were going to be going to different schools but then he found out shortly after that he got into a school right next to mine (he applied as a transfer student). Anyway, second full day without hearing from him... I'm pretty bummed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:24am

"And halle, we all feel the urge to keep calling until they answer. We can't help ourselves. Just chalk it up to a bad day and if he can't forgive you for that one episode, he's not the one for you."

Yah, I'd never done that before EVER - called alot in a short period of time. If he can't forgive me one freak-out, I don't need him, it is true.

The other thing from your post... I actually don't have a problem NOT initiating contact.
It's not difficult for me to NOT text, call, etc In fact, my problem is once I really get on that roll, when the guy does call me, I end up not feeling like talking to them anymore. I feel like he is expecting me to call him so he's sort of waiting around until I do. Um, he's going to be waiting a long, long while...!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:27am

"I don't know why you are concerned because you wanted to break up with him anyway."

Well, of course I'm concerned. I love this person. But as they say, sometimes love isn't enough, you know? I wanted/want to break up with him, but of course it's tough when you love the person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 9:22am

I'm confused -

YOu think you are pregnant but don't want to take a test to see. You also don't want to call the guy either. So, what is it you plan to do? Guessing and waiting and all this stuff is ridiculous - esp. IF there is a pregnancy to face.

If you do think you are pregnant - it is silly to postpone finding out for sure. Take the test, and if its positive, make an appt with a doctor to confirm ASAP - waiting a week is just plain foolish - nothing but stress is gained.

Second if you ARE pregnant - pride be damned - you have someone else to consider now - the child and HIM. He nneds to be aware of this ASAP as you are sure - because you each have equal responsibility now.

All of this other drama you are posting about is no longer important if there is a child in the picture - the child's well being comes before your pride. Sorry - that is what being an adult is about.

Take care of the things you need to take care of first - answer teh question of "am I pregnant?" and go from there. this calling, not calling stuff is childish and doesn't work. Talking to someone openly and honestly, treating them with respect and integrity - that works.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:13am
If you're not really going to read my posts, then I respectfully request that you don't reply to me. I said that I feel it is too early for me to go take a test and I don't want false positives. I am not waiting *that* long. I just want to be very sure.
Sure, if I am pregnant then everything changes, but right now I don't know if I am so I am wondering why he hasn't called me. I don't think this is an unreasonable thing or "childish" thing to wonder. I also don't think it's "childish" for me to n ot initiate contact with him because to me to that would contribute to me bein a doormat. As for all the "drama" I'm posting, well, that's what this board is about is drama... the serious and then sometimes silly and irrational things we are feeling that we're sharing with others. Why don't you stop putting labels on my posts. Stop judging me. I feel that every post of yours to me is negative to the extreme. All you do is make me feel worse, which I'm sure you will just chalk up to you being honest and "real". You are free to post, so I will just not read yours from now on when they're addressed to me. Thank you.

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