freak out

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
freak out
19
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 7:43pm
This inquiry is for me and a friend, who's sort of going through the same thing. So, the other night, I freaked out and called my boyfriend like a zillion times in an hour. The next day, we talked on the phone and he was like, how many times did you call me last night? I was like, um, alot! Where were you?? He said he was sleeping. I said for him not to mind my craziness because I am just really stressed. He said it's ok, he understood. We might be apart for w hile in the Fall and I told him I knew someone who could get him a free ticket to visit me and he made some comment about our school schedules. It sounded like he felt pressure to visit me all the time, when that's not what I intended at all! He was reading way too much into it. He e-mailed me something that morning and then we talked again at the end of the day after his work.
This was on Thursday and I've not heard from him since. So my question is, is it over then? Did I scare him off with my crazy behavior? Or am I overthinking it? The longest we've gone without speaking to each other is one day. Today will be the second day. Of course my friends are like, Halle, you are never this way. You are not perfect and if he doesn't forgive your one freak out, you don't need him!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 4:05pm

"I have tried to not confront men while I am still visibly angry - realizing that men dont cope well with emotions flying in their face. I try to get calm first and then talk, but my anger or emotions still well up inside. And of course we initially think we want them to see the hurt and pain they caused in us...but we realize it is too stupid to let them see that cuz they dont care (because everything revolves around them) - so you can't give them your energy that way. So I prefer for them to just see nothing. If things are that bad that I am upset all the time then it is time for me to go - not recite to them an encyclopedia as to why I am discontented. Less is more in this case. Less talk and more action will make me happier. If you explain to someone how you expect to be treated, and the guy seems to not "remember" or seems to not take it seriously...why would anyone want to further engage with someone like that?"

-----> Snaf, this is one of your best paragraphs ever! Thanks for this! It's true, they really could care less and you are right - I prefer they just see nothing as well. And I'm with you on the encyclopedia thing... I'm over that. That's why I explain, give a couple of chances, and if they still don't get it, I cut them off. When I say cut off, I don't mean disappear! I mean that I say we are over and I cut them out of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 10:54pm

I don't blame you for cutting the guy off after repeated attempts to clarify how you wish to be treated. That is the gist of what I was communicating as well. I find that the infamous "closure" conversations are a complete waste of time because the guys really don't care about what you have to say to them because their minds are already out the door after the break up conversation and they have little patience or interest in you or I obtaining "closure" after that time period. So, long ago, I decided that any closure has to come from within me. I find that the less you bare of your painful soul to them, the easier things get with time, like getting over them or moving on.

Men rarely communicate with even their closest friends. Even if one of them pissed the other off or blew them off, it amounts to a "you blew me off dude" comment and that's it.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't try to work things out with someone if times were difficult and/or there happened to be arguments or misunderstandings because there are always ups and downs. The "time for me to go" is when I have attempted to let the guy know how I feel about a situation and he basicially disregards me and doesn't wish to rectify anything. One person cant make a relationship happen by herself. So, if he doesnt care or is indifferent, then I'm gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 10:57pm
"I'm pretty bummed." -- This is the longest you two have ever not communicated, right? If you are feeling really bad about the freak out and feel that it has interfered with your relationship, then you can just tell him that. Alot of guys cant handle women who freak out on them. I know you love this guy but if his behavior says that he is not into a real relationship and you want that...then you have a decision to make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:50am

>>The "time for me to go" is when I have attempted to let the guy know how I feel about a situation and he basicially disregards me and doesn't wish to rectify anything. One person cant make a relationship happen by herself. So, if he doesnt care or is indifferent, then I'm gone.<<

That is perfect. I thought I needed closure as well but it does have to come from within. Women should not need validation from a guy just to let us know why he is dumping or ignoring us. We know within our hearts it is not us, so why wait for them to call just to say something bad about us that would only serve to make him feel better and make us feel worse? With only the two emails I sent and NO phone calls, he knows how I feel and where I stand. I no longer wait in hope for a call.

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:19am

Actually - I have read your posts in this thread. I admit I haven't read every thing you've posted because I don't know what threads you'veposted under so - yes, it is possible I missed something somewhere.

With the quality of tests on the market for early pregnancy detection and following directions properly, the chance of a false positive is slim. You can be VERY sure without the delay becauseyou you can take these tests right after missing your period. If you get a positive, then of course you need to see a Dr. to confirm - and the scheduling process can sometimes take a number of days - thus, my comment that it makes no sense to hold off finding out this very important information when you can get the same answer today. It just adds unecessary stress and keeps you from making decisions, including talking to your BF about it. If you ARE pregnant, this affects every decision you make from here on out. Delaying the answer to that question only delays the decision making process. And if you have been thinking about breaking up with him - then its just plain smart to know that this is or isn't a factor in that.

That said - you also have the option to call him - doing so doesn't make you a doormat - it makes you responsible for your role in the relationship. When you want an answer to a question - ask it. Wondering and waiting and guessing goes nowhere fast. Why allow the confusion and conflict to go on when you can get an answer?

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I think you've confusing being a doormat with resolving a conflict. Being a doormat means you allow others to have their way at your expense in everything, giving up what matters to you just to please others. It's not about who calls whom first when you have a conflict. The POV of 'I'm not calling him because s/he should call me first' is childish. Its playing a game that prolongs the conflict and no one feels good about and has noplace in emotionally mature relationships. Quite obviously, you can speak your mind and say something isn't ok with you - therefore, you can't be a doormat when you communicate what does or doesn't work.

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Ok - I ask this in all sincerity - what labels have I put on you or your posts? What judgements have I made? I have called behaviors childish, or ineffective or the like,, but not you. I am indeed blunt and to the point and sometimes that comes across as harsh -when posters say these things about my style, I will go back and look to see what I said and why they may have interpreted it that way. At times, I can clearly see how I worded something that came across badly and apologized and corrected what I said. As with any advice, take what works and leave what doesn't.

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Well, you are certainly welcome to ignore my posts, I realize not everyone likes my style of communication or me. That's fine. My questions to you were to get you to THINK about other choices and responses rather than doing things that don't seem to be working - if you take that negatively, well, then you do. My style of communication is to the point - hints, sugar-coating, guessing, are rather pointless to me - they do not help build relationships,, gain understanding or resolve conflicts. I do realize that not everyone can handle that kind of forthrightness.

That said, you say I make you feel worse - no one can 'make' another person feel anything they haven't already to agree to feel. HOn,whether you listen to me or not makes no difference in my life. The quality of your relationships is on you and is a direct result of the quality of your communication. My impression is that your skills in communication could use some development because of the 'drama' you seem to keep having. Constant drama is a sign of poor communication and conflict resolution skills. This is something that can be learned and developed. When you communicate well, your understanding of their POV is greater as is your willingness to resolve conflicts right away. I am not saying that you are 'wrong' or judging you here - I'm suggesting that everyone benefits from better communiations skills, really good relationships have little drama.

You are the only one who can change the quality of your relationships - but to do that, you must be responsible for your roles and contributions to not good situations and take steps to correct and improve what you can. you must be willing to change and grow.

Best wishes to you. I truly hope things work out well for you.




Edited 6/18/2007 9:32 am ET by tonitoons

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:13pm

"Women should not need validation from a guy just to let us know why he is dumping or ignoring us. We know within our hearts it is not us, so why wait for them to call just to say something bad about us that would only serve to make him feel better and make us feel worse?" ------- always remember, the confessor is the only one who feels better after a conversation like that. Rarely does someone confessing to something ever make the victim or the dumpee feel better - it is usually a selfish act. It rarely ever matters "why" a guy wants to leave because chances are good he wont tell the truth for many reasons. The best thing a woman can do for herself is to sit back and examine the relationship from an emotional distance and see what she feels she contributed (if anything) to the breakup.

"With only the two emails I sent and NO phone calls, he knows how I feel and where I stand. I no longer wait in hope for a call." ---------- in your case, there is nothing you can do to make the situation any better because he needs help in untangling the life he has created for himself. The best thing you can do for yourself is what you are doing...letting him sink by himself. So many women would have done the opposite and would have gotten enmeshed in the sordid details of his anger, his ex and would have rotted away with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:27pm

Yup. I've kept my distance, therefore I've been able to distance myself from the emotional side and move to the logical side. I am now finding his childish behavior and cowardness quite humorous, although it still stings a bit.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. Life supports are a good thing!

Patty

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:03pm
sounds a little overboard. i would go running for the hills to honey! just chill out and let him come to u. if he wants to spend time with you, he will make time (a good man would) and then it will be fine. if he dont want to, then u meet other people. How old are you? You sound kinda young, so u dont have too much to worry about. youll be ok!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:27pm
Hi sweet :) I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 21. I turn 21 later this year. Yah, I just heard from him today. He was really sweet. We talked alot about the issues and we're going to try and work them out. I have a positive attitude about it either way - whether we stay together or not, because he has been conducting himself in the proper manner. Hopefully he will continue this way.

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