Freaking out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Freaking out!
3
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:08pm
Hi there. Need some advice again!

I'd been seeing someone for about two months when he freaked out. He did let me know I'd done nothing wrong, that it was his own fears and baggage that made him freak out. He'd just finalized a divorce afer six years of being separated, and he said that the sadness/failure he was feeling from that on top of his growing feelings for me (so he says) really threw him. Then when he found out he could lose his job (he ended up not getting laid off), he said it caused him to question whether he could provide me with the type of relationship he felt I needed, which was making him feel even more awful. He also said he hoped that when he worked through his feelings, I might still feel the same about him and we could work on it from there. I took that as a "see ya", and as much as I cared about him and wanted things to work out, I pretty much distanced myself and began to do my own thing.

We kept our distance for about a month (kept it to light and friendly phone conversations, once or twice weekly), but then began hanging out and talking more often. It has now become more like dating again, with him being more affectionate (I am still a bit more distant), him calling more often, and yes, kissing. I know, I know-- Danger! Danger! I'd be kidding myself, however, if I said I hadn't missed him terribly. We really did develop a fun, goofy, and solid friendship on top of a strong attraction between us. We truly enjoy each other's company, and we seem to connect very well. On the surface it would seem that a "country boy" and a "city girl" (as we jokingly refer to ourselves) couldn't develop. However, we really do have a lot in common in terms of interests and values, and we really appreciate and find interest in those difference we do have on the surface.

Anyway, at this point, we have not discussed what has been going on. I honestly don't want to have that talk right now. First, it's only been two weeks since we began "seeing" each other again. Second, I'm still skittish aout what happened before, and I don't know if he is fully over what he freaked out about. I'm not blinding myself to that, but I've also accepted that I like him a lot and still want to hang out with him. All I can do is just enjoy him and let anything else develop nataurally. I feel that when the times comes, we will have that talk, just like any other dating situation. I'm not shutting myself out to other men or dating opportunities if/when they arise, but I'll admit he is the one am spending most on my time/energy on. As far as I know, he did not see anyone else nor is he seeing anyone else now, but I cannot say whether it's because that's what he wants or it's just circumstance.

Here is my question: I have a wedding to attend next Saturday. Some people think it's okay to ask him if he would like to go with me. They also said he might have hurt feelings or be offended if I don't ask him. However, I do not know what he is thinking about us right now. We haven't discussed "us", so what I preceive as a harmless or offensive gesture may not be perceived the same way by him. I would love to invite him, because I know we would have a blast, and let him know that I am inviting him because I would have a great time with him, period.

Aren't men more skittish than women when it comes to weddings though? I could say something to the effect of hey, it's not a big deal-- it's just a fun event I need a date for and I would love to take you. But then when I think about that, I think maybe if I have to insert a disclaimer in my invitation, I probably shouldn't go there? Help! Lots and lots of help, please!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vtg10005
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:30pm

I would not invite him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
In reply to: vtg10005
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:55pm
Thanks. :) I think I was focusing on the "wedding" issue as a crutch, when I should be focusing on the bigger picture. You are very right. I think what makes it difficult to talk to him about "us" is that I'm terrible at communicating when it comes to my feelings and emotions, much less asking someone about theirs. I have typically followed a let-things-happen-as-they-may attitude when it comes to dating. However, as much as I'm trying to keep a "dating" attitude, my feelings for him are becoming stronger, and I guess I'm terrified of opening myself up like that. But you're right. The more I don't talk, the more scared, and possibly hurt, I will get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
In reply to: vtg10005
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:35pm
Hi there,

You know I think that inviting him to a wedding is not a good idea, because he probably

will decline given this recent history with divorce.

About what to do with your feelings and his feelings- jeez if only we /girls, women/ didnt have such rollercoaster of emotions life would be so much easier:)) I think it is better to take it slow, if you have that kind of patience. From my lil experience, people after a divorce usually look to have someone nearby because they are used to having another person nearby, after six years this may be hard to get unused of...you may consider that. It is true, he has some luggage, so you take care of yourself first and make sure you are happy/comfortable, if being with him doesnt make you feel that way, perhaps it is time to revisit your perspective on this relathionship because its unlikely things will change fast.

Also, he probably won't be in the mood to discuss the specifics of your relationship - most likely he is just getting accustomed to how things are right now in this new phase of his life.

If you talk to him, keep it light, short and sweet - make him feel at ease, and this will make you feel that way too, regardless of the outcome of the conversation.

My best wishes to you and be happy

Curly Sue