Friend being used, what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Friend being used, what to do
3
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:53am
Ok so I have this friend and she is involved with this guy. He was her boss and they slept together and had a "sex only" relationship. He told her he would never marry her she is too old, but she went back for more. He told her she is the best sex he ever had, so she goes back for more. Finally she quits her job and moves in with one of our friends saying she is going to start over. Has she no! She keeps going out with this guy. When she didn't call him back for a week, you should of heard the voice message he left on her cell phone. He cursed more than he didn't and he called her every name you could think of, but she is still "involved" with him. This is a sex only relationship and she knows it but she almost can't stop herself. We are all sick of hearing her woahs about it. He says having sex with her is like a drug and he can't stop himself, but he doesn't want a relationship with her. He has made himself very clear but she wants him in her life and then doesn't want him in her life, it is a vicious cycle. I think we should do some sort of intervention but I wish there was some self esteem boot camp that she could go to. This is not the first time she has been in relationships like this either, this is her 3rd, but the last 2 left her and got married to other girls. I know she needs help, and therapy has not worked. She needs boot camp. Any advise! She is really a nice girl, attractive, but she is in her late 30's and doesn't need this!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:04am
Seriously, all you "friends" need to stop sypathizing and empathizing with her plight to her face and behind her back.

Her choices and decisions have consequences...if when she moans about how unfair it all is yoou people realistically and rationally say "well, you know he wants onlly sex and you're having only sex so what are you complaining about?" she'll have less people to "vent to"...and she'll have to internalize her feelings until in order to "stop having the feelings, she has to end the relationship because nobody will sympathize with her."

It's called tough love...you people are enabling her dysfunctional reasoning. Feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action..but she's treating her feelings as if they are those things, and you all are going "oh, you poor thing, how unfair" - tell her how it is. Feelings are a result of individual perception of situations - so she's perpetuating the situation with her actions that are creating the very feelings she wants to get rid of.

Tll her, That this isn't unfair because she's well aware of the score going in. He says she's too old to be anything but a great lay, and that is all the use he has for her. That she knows this and she's participating willingly in the sex so why doesn't she stick to "getting laid well and just enjoy his genetalia" and put the rest of her life in order to be a complete person without "a partner".

She'll despise you all- but that's the only shot that you've got.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:57am
You are absolutely right! I like what you had to say. I may even quote you, LOL. Just not say I went to Ivillage, LOL. It helps to get an outside opionion.

Thanks Again

Eileen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:01pm
Well first of all lets get one thing straight before giving advice.

YOUR FRIEND IS NOT BEING USED!

You may not like this guy, you know this man isn’t right for your friend, you don’t like that she is being disrespected, you may not like that she is with a guy that will never give her a real relationship etc. but she is by no means being used.

She is knowingly in a sex only relationship with this man, if you don’t want to hear anything more about it, then flat out tell her that, say I don’t like the way this man treats you and I can’t listen to you talk about him anymore, I’m sorry I can’t be the friend you go to about him. That’s it. My BEST friend is having an affair on her husband, she called me and told me and I asked her why she just doesn’t leave, blah blah blah excuse after excuse she gave me why should wouldn’t leave her husband, so I just told her my opinion of it and that I cannot be the friend she goes to on this subject since I’ve been cheated on I cannot be objective about it and I cannot talk to her about it. She hasn’t talked about it since.

It is not your duty to “save” your friend. She chooses these relationships, you said this is her third, this is what she chooses.

I’m sorry to say but you need to just stay out of it.