Friend in Love with me and Won't Stop!
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Friend in Love with me and Won't Stop!
| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:41pm |
One of my good friends, a guy, is and has been in love with me since senior year of high school which was 4 years ago. You would think he would have given up by now but he stills tries to make more out of our friendship which i am absolutely not interested in. I've told him i'm not interested in him since the first time he tried 4 years ago and everytime he's asked me to give him a try since. But he stills asks me why i don't give him a shot and all that...i'm very blunt with him telling him it's not gonna happen, i'm not interested, so he will stop but he doesn't and its getting to the point where i can't stand talking to him or hanging out with him. He gets upset when i don't call him back and talks to me like i'm his girl. He always tries to hold my hand and has tried to kiss me once or twice. And of course i had a talk with him on all occasions that he can't do that because i don't want to. I really like him as a friend, he's a sincere generous all out nice guy, and i'm afraid if he persists to push at me that it will ruin our friendship. I NEVER EVER led him on because i knew he was into me since the start, i'm a friendly person and he tries to take advantage of it. I don't know what else to say or do to make him understand what he's doing, how uncomfortable i feel around him, and how to make him stop and move on. (4 YEARS come on!) Any advice?? please!

You apparently have set your boundaries numerous times with him, yet he has not let go of the *idea* of what could be between the two of you in a romantic sense. That fantasy is intoxicating, and the presence of the object of affection (you) in his life feeds that fantasy further. He knows you are not available; maybe his relentless pursuit is *because* you are NOT available.
It will be hard but you probably need to give each other space -- no contact or interaction whatsoever so he can start knowing *for real* that you can not be a part of his life in the way that he wants to, because you don't. You are not on the same page with each other: you want strictly platonic, he wants more. That in itself creates a strain/stress not just in the friendship but in the individuals as well, as obviously, you are.
Do you have to drastically *end* the friendship? It depends. Time is a factor and the willingness on *his* part to accept that this can never be a platonic one, and until he is able to completely get over his romantic feelings for you. Then, and *maybe* then, you can salvage the friendship.
Do him a favor and let go. If *he* can not, then you must. It's a tough love approach, but if you are really his friend, you will not let yourself remain in his life so he can truly move on and find someone who will be able to return his affection. You have to go cold turkey because if you waver or falter, he will magnify and latch on to any semblance of availability you show him, and his infatuation/fantasies won't stop....hurting him AND you in the long run.
It won't be easy and you may have to grieve the loss of the friendship as you know it in order for him (and in some ways, you, too) to move on. But I don't think there is much of a real friendship if you stay with how things are, when both your needs are not being met in a *mutually* healthy and positive way.
So that's why, no matter how painful, I think that *sometimes*, the only way to save a friendship is to end it.