a Friend who wants more

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
a Friend who wants more
4
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:35am
Okay...I'm going to try to sum 5 years into one paragraph!

I have been friends with a guy for 5 years now. After the first year of being JUST friends, he tried to make a move. I was shocked and I told him that I was interested in him in the same way. He insisted that he understood and didn't want this to ruin our relationship. So, as time past the akwardness went away and things were back to normal. He met other girls and told me about them and vice versa. I started noticing a few months later that he didnt pay too much attention to my stories with other guys and then I realized that it's not right for me to tell him these things if he still has feeling for me. Our conversations were spent with me listening to his girl problems and just talking about regular stuff. I started to keep my personal life out of our conversations. Finally about a year and a half later him and his friends went to a club with me and my then boyfriend. Because I was dancing with other guys that night a huge fight started with me and my boyfriend and eventually we broke up. He was unsually happy that we had this fight and offered to take me home etc. I can't explain how he acted but it left a weird feeling in me. The awkardness increased at least on my part and I felt like I had to watch everything I did and everything I said to make sure he wasn't getting the wrong impression. So, I started to avoid him and realized that we can't be friends. So we didn't speak for almost a year and then reconnected about 6 months ago. Last month he asked me if I felt anything when we hung out at his house a couple nights before. I didn't know what to say. Honestly, I never feel anything when we do hang out but when we talk on the phone or talk on AIM, I think wow, he is a great guy. Well, because I took so long to respond, he said forget it, and that he just said that because he is lonely. I was so insulted but we both sort of let it go.

My dilemma is that I don't see how we can remain friends like this. I try to leave that up to him to decide but I feel like he always has a game plan and I feel terrible that I don't feel the same way. The thing is, I don't know why I don't feel the same way. I never gave him a chance. I'm trying to understand what I should do. I feel like our friendship will be ruined either way. Should I give him a try or should I let him go so, that he doesn't waste his time waiting like he has. It hurts in a weird way to know that I haven't found a successful relationship since I met him and yet he is standing there and says that he loves me. God! Any advice would really be appreciated! I tried to keep this as short as possible!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 3:38pm
isabelnyc24...

It's pretty obvious that you can't love this man more than "just a friend!"

Unfortunately...being JUST A GOOD FRIEND isn't going to satisfy him.

You were nice enough to listen to his "girlfriend problems" in the past---but you CAN'T be the girl he's gonna run to...if the feelings aren't the same between you. Can you muster up the strength to let him go on with his life and survive without you?

His feelings of love aren't what you want...so why put yourself through this?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 8:57pm
It's quite obvious that he loves you. If you don't feel the same, you must let him go. You both are hurting each other and the friend's thing you had, doesn't exist anymore.

So move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:38am
You do not owe this guy anything. You made it clear that you were just friends and he sat there hoping and waiting for you. You understood and changed the game, giving less of your personal life to him. He WAS glad when you and your bf broke up because then he had a shot with you again. I can understand how uncomfortable he made you and this is why you need to listen to that little voice and say no. All this time he may only have kept after you for the conquest and once you give in, he might not want you anymore- does that make sense? If you're not interested don't give in because you feel bad.

You don't have to be mean to him, just slowly wean him out of your life. Take longer to call him back, don't be so available to talk, and don't hang out with him- especially one on one.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 6:50pm
I know that this advice is right, because it makes sense. I think even if I tried I wouldn't be able to give in 100% anyway. I think it might just be those times when I'm feeling frustrated with other guys that I get mad that someone is there who says he loves me and I don't feel the same way. I just wish I had answers for that... Thank you for your advice!