friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
friends with benefits
8
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 1:26am
I'm a nurse in a hospital(Im 26) and one night one of the doctors(hes 35) was hitting on me big time and asked me out, so I gave him my number. He sounded like he wanted to start dating like a normal relationship. I knew him but not personally well, but I had a crush on him. So he called two nights later and asked to hang out but it was just to watch a movie and so we watched a movie at my apartment. But when we hung out he told me up front he wasnt looking for a relationship because he was moving away and wanted basically friends with benefits. At first I was taken back and was shocked how attracted he was to me. I did not have sex with him them. As we talked more and hung out more, I started to like him, but I knew it was only friends. I decided not to make a big deal about it since he was leaving in a few months. I told him sometimes I felt used, with our sex with friends relationship and at times he was concerned about hurting me and didnt want to have sex unless I really wanted to. But I did enjoy the sex and thought it was better than nothing and we had alot of fun hanging out together even if we didnt have sex. He claimed he thought I was really cool and cared alot about me. Now he's moved away and dont talk anymore and Im left missing him, as I know I should have seen that coming, and left wondering did he truly have any real feelings for me at all, or did he not care about me at all and just used me for sex??? Would we have been dating and started a relationship if he wasnt moving away?? I know I should not miss him because even if we did start a normal relationship is age, and the fact that hes divorced and has a child would have caused problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 9:47am

If you haven't heard from him since he moved away, that doesn't even sound like FWB...sounds more like an NSA relationship (no strings attached). Sorry he did that to you!!

A lot of time people use other people in transitional times...esp if his wife left him, and recently (I'm guessing this to be the case, based on his behavior)...to make themselves feel better, but often at the expense of others. He must have sensed that you wouldn't have gone for an NSA relationship, and instead lied and told you FWB.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 12:18pm
Thanks, his wife and him got divorced six years ago. The last girl he was dating, he thought she was the one, and she dumped him and he got burned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 1:16pm

I think what you're experiencing is the hardest thing of FWB's... It's very hard to not like someone or feel a certain way. But honestly, in order to not drive yourself crazy I think it's essential to get the thoughts of "did he like me" or "did he have feelings" out of your head. He never allowed himself to get to that point because he entered into a contract with you--you guys sleep together, no feelings will develop, he leaves and all is well. That contract didn't include remaining friends or even caring.


Did he care about you? Maybe. I mean it's hard for one human to not have some sort of feelings about another human. But that does not mean they were feelings of wanting to be with you or feelings that would lead into a relationship.


The best thing to do at this point is to keep yourself busy. Go out with your girls, treat yourself like a queen, do anything you like to do and indulge in. If you're up to it, start going out on other dates. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel loved and cherished again. It all starts from within.


And adopt a new rule of thumb--if there is any chance that you may develop feelings for a man, then do not enter into an FWB with him. Or get out before anything real emotionally develops.


I hope this helps. Feel free to come here and vent as often as you need to.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 3:08pm
Ouch! Sorry, sounds like you were a transition girl. As for what to do about it now, I totally agree w/ Bklynchk...so I might as well not repeat everything here and just say, "ditto, Bklynchk!" Be glad this cad is out of your life and town!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:08pm

Friends w/Benefits" relationship is a hard situation to balance, especially for women. We are emotional creatures, and it's in our blood to be that way, we just can't help it sometimes. Now you do have women, who can balance having sex with a man, with no emotion or attachment. There are some, but not many, and the majority who can handle that, usually get paid for their services, if you know what I mean.

From your story, that type of relationship does not suit you, and it's ok. You tried it out, and it doesn't work for you. Now, take what your learning from this situation, and make the right decision for you. You should thank him for being up front with you, and telling you, he didn't want a serious relationship. Men sometimes don't say anything, and sleep with you, knowing they only want sex. But you agreed with what he wanted, and you knew he would be leaving, so you can't change the arrangement now, just because you started to have feelings for him. I'm not trying to be mean, but you have to accept what he wanted, and let it go. Now, he wanted to continue some type of relationship with you, he would of told you, right? It's normal to miss him, since you start to have feelings for him, but eventually they will fade away. It will be easier to forget him, since he has moved away. Now, go out there, and find someone who wants the same thing as you do. I wish you the best, and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:31pm

Trust your heart.....I was in that type of relationship...FWB. I DID NOT give up on my feelings....and just 3 days ago he told me he loved me, he was just to scared to tell me.

Hope that helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:20am
thanks, I appreciate the support. Its been a lot harder to get over him than I thought. I have a feeling that even though in the past when I thought things were over between him and I he always surprised me just when I had almost given up on him. But this time I feel like I might never hear from him again, even though he said he would come back to visit me. But I guess if its meant to be, it will happen, if not then its not meant to be. I dont meet alot of guys that I could date so its hard to move on.....thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:21pm

He was honest with you from the get-go which is a good thing, and it's not apersonal

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