Friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Friends with benefits
3
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 1:58am
I met a 40 year old, divorced man on line, and we have been seeing each other now for about 7 months. In the beginning, he let me know that he is afraid of falling in love again and that he just wants to be friends, but with benefits in a nut shell. Anyway, I am starting to have major feelings for him, and I want more with him. He made it clear a couple of days ago, that he is a free bird, and basically he doesn't want to be tied down. He's been divorced for 3 years now, and is now getting back on his feet. I can understand. He mentioned in the beginning that he would like to learn not to be afraid of falling in love again. He wants to start out as friends, and see what happens from there. Is there potential there for us to be a true item, or not?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:30am
There's a chance in everything... Do I think it will happen? Unfortunately no. When you start out with a person in an FWB type of manner, expectations are set for just that. To get midway and want to change the rules so to speak is not wise because usually it's just one person who wants anything more.

He has said he wants to learn to love again but that doesn't mean he is going to. If he wanted more with you, I would think that he'd be working on that. It sounds like he's content having an FBW relationship with you and that's it. Sorry. :(

Since you have started having deeper feelings for him, I would suggest ending it before you really get hurt.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:40am
I was in a similar situation to you about 2 years ago. I dated a man who was 41, divorced for 3 years and who wanted a long-term monogamous relationship but not marriage for a while. This was okay with me in the beginning.

But after a few months it was like being on a roller coaster. We would get close - by having a lot of fun together doing various activities - we were really compatible - and then he would pull back for no apparent reason. I started having feelings for him and like you, wanted something more - just to fall in love and have the hope that maybe it would go somewhere.

I tried to understand his position and be patient but whenever he would pull back it would be painful. He would go a week or more without calling, get really busy with his job or say he didn't want a relationship. Then we had a major drama where we thought his job would transfer him. Also his kids lived in a different town and that caused a lot of stress for him - I think he felt really guilty about that. Those last two things made me know he is not for me. I felt he would never be stable enough.

After a few months of us being apart he tried emailing me, sending me cards, sending text messages and phone calls. At first I ignored them. Then I thought it would be good to meet for coffee. But then my inner voice said forget it - I know I don't want him back and that is a waste of time. He said he really did love me and he was afraid of falling in love but now he sees what he lost.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you really need to take a big deep look at him and ask yourself - is he really good for me long term? Is he worth getting a broken heart over? You are probably in for a rocky ride. I think you will probably end up frustrated and spending time apart - and through this he may realize what he has and want more or he may not. Men are funny in that they usually don't realize what they have until it is gone.

Good luck - I hope this story helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 7:51pm
Hello ispiceygirl!