Friends with benefits? Is that ok.....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Friends with benefits? Is that ok.....?
7
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 11:18pm

In the whole 21st century hype on sex and relationships, it's hard to keep up the old traditional views. I always considered myself a smart "girl-next-door" who would be strong emotionally/intellectually and know how to deal with guys (when the right one came along). I think this notion blinded me to realiity and i'm not sure what to think anymore.

I've been "seeing" my good friend for a little over a year now. In the beginning our interst in each other was strong, but the circumstances didn't allow a relationship more than friends (I was 17, he 23 and my manager). Over these many months we've had numerous "movie nights," which of course lead to more, except sex. Many times I've realized this is what is considered friends with benefits and freak out. Every time I talk to him about it, he says how unready he is for a commitment. Red flag, I know. But our relationship goes way beyond the physical as well. When i'm emotionally unstable he's there for me, and vice versa. He's the only one I really hang out with and we talk about everying. But the physcial is getting more intense and I don't know if I should stick to my old views or "just have fun." What I find odd is when I insist our friendship remains platonic, I don't enjoy this period of time together. All i'm thinking about is why i'm not in his arms...and when neither of us can resist, we're in the same spot. I have to emphasize that we trust eachother on a totally different level, he's not just another guy I can "get over," he's my best friend.

Should I just get over my old fashioned beliefs and just go with it? Neither of us are exaclty in the spot for a "relationship" quite yet, but I'm afraid by allowing this to go on he wont respect me as much or just take me for granted and eventually find someone else. I kind of have the feeling that he forgot the girl he first fell for, the one he doesn't get to really see because we're always at his house: he refuses to go anywhere with me, (I still dont' know why.) I'm still the same "cute," honest, smart girl he liked so much in the beginning. I can't get over my best friend...he truly is my frist love. I just want to know if I have lost my value by subconciously agreeing to this friends-with-benefits? Do all guys disregard the good and only think about physical? and if that's so, why me? He has girls drooling over him all the time (literally), but he only remains "with me." What the heck is going through this guy's head!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 11:58pm

The phrase "friends with benefits" means just that "friends with benefits", which means you will probably be nothing more to him than a "friend" or sex partner. While he hides behind the title of "friend" he is getting all the benefits and you are left just wanting more. There is one problem. He is not acting like a friend.

1. He won't be seen with you in public. That is not a friend.

2. He hasn't taken you out for a date (or a night out). I've paid for many of my friends to go out, and they've paid for me. I'm sure your "movie" nights have all been "Blockbuster nights".

I'm not sure what else he's doing or not doing, but from your post, I have enough evidence that he is not really a friend, but hiding behing the title of friend. When a guy hides behind this title, they feel absolved from any responsibilites a boyfriend would have.

Yes, a lot of guys DO disregard every other aspect of a relationship and concentrate only on the physical. This "friend" sounds like someone who does this. What is going through his mind is this: He doesn't care who, what, when, where and why, he has needs and wants to have them met anywhere he can. You don't know that he hasn't been with other girls. His willingness to see you when you were underage speaks volumes! For your own best interest, cut this "friend" out of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:38am

What is going on in this man's head is that he doesn't want a relationship with you. But since you are so head over heels for him you are allowing a physical relationship to develop when he is not interested in an emotional relationship. You can go ahead and have sex with him but I doubt it will change anything on his part, and it will probably make you more upset and feeling used.

I'm a little concerned when you say you are sometimes "emotionally unstable". If this is the case I would work on finding a way to be more on an even keel, especially around this man.

If this guy was a true friend, he would be happy to be seen with you around town. You are more of a playtoy for this guy than anything else. Find some better friends and better relationship prospects.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 11:13am
This guy is not a friend, he's a user. Sure he listens to you when you're having some problems, but that is a means to an end. He wants sex with no strings attached and you're willing to give it to him. He will probably never want a commitment. If he says he's not ready, believe him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:36pm

You won't be able to handle a FWB relationship with him because you are already too emotionally invested in this. You claim he is your first love when he is not enough emotionally attached to you to even take you out of the house.

The reason he doesn't ever want to do things with you outside of "movie night" and fooling around? Because it will make it more like a "real" relationship and he doesn't want that with you. He wants his FWB and that's it. He has you right where he wants you in that you are emotionally attached to him, willing to be physical (it sounds like you haven't had sex, yet, right?) but also willing to just accept things the way they are.

If you are expecting or wanting this to turn into more, you need to stop it now otherwise you'll get hurt. FWB rarely turn into real relationships. If you are OK with being a FWB, you have to accept it for what it is. But considering you say you are in love with him, I don't think you'll seriously be able to just accept it for the physical only.

But also this, how do you KNOW he's not with other women? He could be and just keeping it from you. It's done all the time - people can be very secretive and manipulative. He could be seeing other girls and you just don't know it. You say you're not in a relationhip place, well frankly, this isn't going to help you get there - it will make it worse by eating away at your self-esteem. If you ever want to get yourself in a relationship place, get yourself out of this situation and move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 4:44pm

I think the effect of having a physical relationship with a girl differs from guy to guy. I know I have heard guys say that girls are too easy with them lose their romantic appeal. Then, there are stories of couples who had a one-night stand the first time they met and then they went on to get married, so it's unlikely it affected those guys feelings.

To be honest with you, my guess is that this guy never felt as strongly for you in the beginning as you thought he did. I take it that he was telling you how much he liked you before you were physically intimate. My first piece of advice to you, don't believe everything a young man is telling you when he is trying to get you to make out with him. I hate to generalize and say that there are no young guys out there with enough values not to lie to you about something like that because there probably are a few, but they're pretty uncommon. Even the sweetest, kindest most moral guys that I have known have admitted that when they were young, they lied to a girl about liking her a lot more than they did just to get her to make out with them.

Which brings me to another point. You mention that he has girls drooling over him all the time, but he is only with you. I'm sorry, but how do you know this? If he won't let you go out with him, then how can you really know how many other girls he is with? Didn't you also mention in another post that he hides his IMs from you? Wake up and smell the coffee! People who aren't keeping secrets from you don't have a reason to hide from you. There's clearly something that he's not telling you.

You say you talk about everything as though you are completely open and honest with each other. But if he was being completely open and honest with you, you wouldn't need to come here and ask us what is going through his head. If he was always completely open and honest with you, you could just ask him, and you'd know what was going through his head. You also don't even know why he won't go out without you. You're wondering so many different things here that you wouldn't need to wonder about if he was really as open and honest with you as you claim he is.

I'm not saying that the two of you might not have shared many moments of closeness when you opened up your feelings for each other. But you are idealizing everything about this relationship much more than you should. You talk about him being your first love as though you were actually boyfriend and girlfriend. In reality, he is only a friend (maybe a close friend, but still just a friend) who you were very much enamored with who was willing to take advantage of that and tell you what he needed to tell you and hide from you what he needed to hide from you so that he could also have a physical relationship with you.

I am pretty much almost 100% certain that this guy is flirting with other women more than he tells you when you are not around and that he is more of a player than you realize. You're so enamored with him at the moment that you're not going to be seeing things completely objectively. But I think that if you continue this relationship with him some day the truth will come out. And if you sleep with him now, I think you will regret it when the truth is out that he had at least one other girl and quite possibly more when you thought you were the only one.

It's not going to be easy to let go of your feelings for him when you are this emotionally involved, but I think you should because this is bound to end in heartache for you somewhere down the line, and the longer this goes on, the worse the heartache will be. I would also really advise you to try get out and make new friends because if he is the only person you hang out with, you are making yourself completely emotionally dependent on him and that is really not healthy. It's hard enough to enough to let go of somebody you're enamored with when you have other people to turn to for support. It's even more difficult when they are the only person you have to hang out with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 7:46pm
I can't tell you how much i appreciate your response! Just hearing bluntly what I already know really pushes me to want to finish this once and for all. Through all of this i'm really starting to dislike him and his actions. But I don't know how to remian uncynical. Before this all happened I was very wary of guys, knowing but never experiencing the "tricks." The fact that I fell for it makes me feel even more miserable. I know I should be going out more and making new friends but i'm so focused on school, work and athletics that my already non-social behavior is too exhuasted to meet anyone new. Aside from that, I don't attract guys very easily and that whole self esteem issue does not help. I know all i need to get over him is someone new, but that rarely happens for me. I'm tired of solely depending on him for companionship, but the activites of my age (college age) is not at all appealing to me. I feel like i'm in a catch 22 of dating. I've already made a sincere determination to not hang out with him unless it's outside of his place and mentally stimulating: the hard part will be following through especially on boring weekend nights. I know "breaking up" is hard to do, but does anyone have suggestions for a girl who is too self-concious/exhausted to socialize and extremely wary of men? And seriously, how can people even find companionship anymore when you can't even tell a sincere guy from a jerk?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:21pm
It appears that you need both a physical (sexual) and emotional connection in this relationship. Will moving this relationship to a sexual level interfere too much with your value system and give you guilt trips? What does he truly want or need from you? You both need to share some basic needs and desires to make it work. But first and foremost, you need to satisfy yourself and be happy.