friend's EX???
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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:54am |
Okay, here is the deal. My friend was seeing a Married man for 10 years. the past year or so, this other guy, "bill", has been flirting with her and saying he likes her. she has been avoiding him and only flirting with him to help keep her mind off of the married guy. last week, i went out with her and met "bill". he started staring at me and flirting with me. he asked me to go for a drink with him and I asked her if it was ok, and she said it was fine, that she didn't see anything between them.
after drinks, i ended up spending the night at his house. then afterwards, he ends up telling her it was a mistake and that he still likes her. the problem is that he didn't really get to know me, because he likes her, but she is leading him on and making him think he has a chance with her. so, until she tells him there is no chance, he won't make the effort to get to know me better. and i really like him. he's everything i've been looking for.
my first question is, should i even be hopeful that he'll give me a chance? and should she tell him he has no chance instead of flirting with him to keep her mind off her other man? if she was any friend to me, she should. it's not fair to "bill" or me.
what should i do?

The following might sound harsh, but the reason I write them is in the hopes that you realize that you deserve someone who wants *you.* You shouldn't settle for someone whose heart lies elsewhere.
You should write this guy off. Why would you want someone who rejects you after a one night stand and who would only be with you again (and even then it's far from certain) if he gets rejected himself by your friend?
You should want someone who wants you first and foremost, not second and as a last resort.
Also, your friend doesn't need to change her interactions with this guy. She already said she didn't care if you made a play for him. And you did. It just didn't work out. He prefers an uncertain chance with her to a certain chance of being with you.
You should look elsewhere for a partner. It will be better for you and for your friendship.
All the best.
Why would you possibly want someone's sloppy seconds? Hon, you deserve a lot better than this. You deserve a man that wants you, not one that will want you when the other girl is out of the picture.
Please, please forget about this guy... he's not worth it.
The kosher thing to say is that you should never go out with anybody who's not 100% into you. In a perfect world, the previous two comments are spot-on. But, realistically, attraction among singles is hardly ever between two people and two people alone. Unless you've never been in love, we're all "sloppy seconds." As a single person, you just can't expect exclusivity. And this is a good thing, because it allows you to weigh your options so that you end up with the right guy. It just sucks when you're one of the options being weighed by someone else.
Now, for your specific situation:
1. Your friend is behaving extremely poorly. Talk to her and tell her that it's cruel to both Bill and you that she's leading him on. If she won't tell Bill that he's got no chance with her, you should forget about both of them.
2. If your friend does tell Bill she's not at all interested, it doesn't guarantee that he'll be interested in you.
3. Bill has not behaved well. He should have weighed his romantic options in a more conscientious and inconspicuous way, without getting anyone (you) too emotionally involved. If he expresses interest again, he'll need to work hard to regain your trust and affection. Don't get carried away by infatuation, but let real affection and love build slowly and mutually- that's a real relationship.
I think you need to forget about "Bill."