Friends or Lovers??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Friends or Lovers??
12
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 5:14pm

Hi everyone. I'm dating this guy that I've dated a couple of times before. We never really started off as friends so that whole aspect is missing. Recently, like i said, we started talking again but i told him that we should be friends. i think part of me may be fooling myself into thinking that i can put my feelings for him aside or not be enticed into kissing him or doing other things. naturally, i would love to be with him in a committed relationship but i think we need to be friedns, not even date. this new route would make sure that the same mistakes that happened last time don't occur.

how do i stay friends with this guy with having the potential of it leading to a relationship if things seem to be heading that way? i cannot look at him and think friend. i don't behave the way i do with my other guy friends. when we go out to, for example, the movies, we want to hold hands, kiss, hug, things friends don't do (unless they are friends with benefits). i wonder if he's dating other people. when we don't talk or if he doesn't contact me, i get a bit upset

we know we have feelings for each other and when we aren't talking, we miss each other but i want things to be right this time around

what can i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 10:47am
Why are you really trying to force it into a friendship when you know it can't be? I think if you do that, you're setting yourself up for failure. So what are the real reasons behind you trying to change the course of the relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:21pm

well, we began the relationship and carried out normal relationship activites but in truth, we didn't know much about each other at all (more in depth). we knew enough to know that we liked each other and that wanted to know more but it just never happened. the relationship took flight very quickly. other unfortunate circumstances occured too but we're back on the same page and i figured that being friends would promote getting to know each other and have us not be together sexually, until we established a relationship that wouldn't be sexaully charged. also, maybe him knowing that i date other people would make him realize that he can't live like that and needs to be in a healthy committed relationship with me (a girl can try)

i wish there was a way we could be together, whilst getting to know each other, hold off the sex or sexual acts and not feel like the relationship is a dead end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:34pm

Ok, there's a few parts to your post here...


1) I honestly don't believe that 2 people can be friends when they both want each other physcially.


2) You cannnot make him see that he "needs" to be in anything. If you are going into this with that goal, then I would say don't. You'll just get hurt.


3) What has he told you? What does he want?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:49pm
previously, we wanted to be in a relationship but due to not knowing each other too well, the relatioship didn't have substance. all we pretty much did was have sex whenw e saw each other. it's quite long and complicated. currently, i know he would like to be in a relationship with me again and God knows i want it too (but i won't tell him) but i don't think it's possble to be in a relationship whilst not knowing the other person well enough. friendship would give us room to just get to know each other, do random things together and if we feel that for sure the relationahip is the route we want, then we could do it again but this time, it would be right. as much as i want him and he wants me physically (he told me so) friendship is the only way we could justify not having any reason to have sex (especially since i refuse to have a friend with benefits)
what i want to do is start from the beginning with us. the slate would never be wiped clean but at least clear enough to try again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 5:09pm

Ok, stop playing games. The games will get you into trouble. You like this guy and want a relationship. He wants the same. Tell him that. You can have a relationship and wait to have sex again. Take it slowly. There's no use in calling it a friendship, because it's not just a clean friendship. You're dealing with semantics at this point. Let him know how you're feeling and work it out together. That is what will make or break this relationship.


Good luck and keep us posted!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 7:40pm

I agree, stop playing games.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 8:11pm

it's funny, just before i read your replies, i thought to myself, "why can't i date this guy but still set the ground rules as i planned to do whilst being friends?" this is something for sure we need to discuss and i guess verbally make some ground rules (i'm very new to relationships so i don't know if this is normal) and abide by them
thank you so much for your posts. you have really made me think about this
i will for sure keep you posted

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 9:27pm

Rule #1 about dating and relationships: if it doesn't feel "right", it isn't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:08pm

but when is being blunt become too pushy? what i would like to tell him is "i know you like me, i like you, i would like for us to date and eventually be in a relationship, just you and me, exclusive to each other" he really doesn't send signs of that and it leaves me weird. how can someone claim to like me and not want to discuss the possibilites of us being in a relationship. i think he may have gotten really cushy with the thought of us just dating, while, like i said, doing the things couples do, assuming that i won't go anywhere thus not having to be my BF. in reality, we never discussed if we would date exclusively nor are we a couple so in reality, i could go on a date with other men..i just choose not to. by me going on a date with other men, it would bring to the forefront the reality that i'm not his and maybe he would realize that he would only like me to be with him and decide that it's time to make me his gf.

it feels very right with him but he needs to take initiative. all the initiative i'm taking makes me feel like one of those women who want things their way and run the show.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 9:11pm

Sometimes, though, you should take the initiative.

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