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| Sat, 07-31-2004 - 11:46pm |
We are both divorced parents and he has told me that he sees this as probably not being more than a friendship because of the children. However, while he says it's just a friendship he has put forth a tremendous amount of energy and attention towards me. He has gone out of his way to be there for me during some very heavy emotional times and has told me he "cares" for me. We talk about anything and everything and he has told me several personal things that he says he hasn't shared with others. There seems to be a physical attraction, though neither of us has made a move in that direction.
What I'm trying to understand is if his talk of friendship is simply a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt again or if a man can truly just have a close friendship with a woman and NOT have other feelings.
I should say here, as well, that I find myself having strong feelings for HIM...though I am unsure what to do about them at this point.
Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

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First...Pianoguy thinks your ivillage name is VERY COOL! It sums up the feelings of a lot of 'posters' on this board.
I think you're RIGHT ON THE MONEY when it comes to this man. If he has been hurt badly in a past marriage...the LAST thing he wants is to go through a similar situation with you!
But the good news is....your relationship has only been in effect for a couple months...and a lot more 'social activities' might happen by the time "holiday season" arrives! So why not RELAX and let your "friendship" bloom? What's the hurry? If this gentleman feels comfortable sharing his personal life (with you)...there's obviously TRUST. And who knows? The physical stuff may eventually happen?
The worst thing you can do right now is try to analyze his feelings or rush things through. SO DON'T!
Pianoguy (who wishes he had a lady like you)
It would be so much easier if men came with an instruction manual and a language translator! (I know, same for women!)
Please give me your impression, as a man, does it make sense that he would spend so much time getting to know someone, and investing time and energy into a relationship if it were only a friendship? Would YOU email or call someone every day, go out with her, call her three times in a day to check up when you know she's been upset about something...and still only call it "friendship?" It is sooooo confusing! I guess I've just never known any men like that. And given that I was married for 15 years and haven't been back in the dating world that long...maybe I've just stumbled across a really wonderful male friend...which is fine too. I guess, emotionally, it's just difficult trying to sort it all out!
Thanks again for your insight!
But...I wonder why is he on dating sites if he doesn't think he should date because of his kids? That doesn't make sense. It sounds like that might be an excuse, and he really does not feel any more than friendship for you. Also, I don't think most guys would talk about other women in front of someone they want to date.
Sheri
Yes, for a man this makes perfect sense. Men are creatures of convenience. Right now, you are filling in the gaps in his life while he a) continues his search for The One, or b) kicks as many tires as possible before committing to buying. As Sheri said, if he's not in a position to date because of his children, why the heck is he going online looking for dates?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with him offering his friendship, and he has been straightforward with you about his intentions. Bu please guard your heart with this fellow and I would advise you not to put all your eggs in his basket!
You sound like a very together person, and there are many men out there who would appreciate what you have to give and who are willing to give back.
Good luck!
Ann-Marie
Pianoguy thinks that BOTH SEXES like to "test the waters" when it comes to a friendship or a relationship. And one way of "testing" is through emails. They're fun to give and more fun to receive! The more a couple communicates and becomes "comfortable" with each other...their friendship will often accelerate into something more satisfying?
You have to admit one thing...CONTACT by someone who REALLY likes you is pretty flattering!
Maybe this is why men and women often read emails from dozens of 'wanna-be-friends?' Some are just interested in chatting and others would like something 'serious' to occur. But after a certain amount of time, most of us usually know if the man (or woman) communicating has honest intentions...or is just...'playing with our hearts?'
Keep in mind that instruction manuals are genetic for "one size fits all" appliances. There are NO 2 people COMPLETELY ALIKE on this planet...so everytime you start a new friendship (or relationship) it's necessary to go back to SQUARE ONE on the dating board!
Besides...knowing EVERYTHING about EVERY MAN would leave you 2 very little to talk about, wouldn't it? Don't compare your 15 years of marriage with the friendship you're having now. Just let it happen.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH from...
Pianoguy
Pianoguy, I really appreciate what you have to say, you help clear my head!
Cheers!
I think you have each brought a level of "truth" to this situation. First, let me clarify that the reason this gentleman said he and I would likely only be friends is because we BOTH have children and he would prefer a relationship with someone who didn't have children so that his son never felt like he was suddenly having to share his dad. And he never RULED OUT that something more could develop, though as many of you have said...why would he tell me about other "potentials" if he were truly interested in me.
This dating thing STINKS! I truly never wanted to be back in this cycle of my life and it makes me all the angrier at my ex for putting me here. Ahhhh well....life is full of challenges. I guess this one should be the last thing I deserve to whine about!
Thanks again...friendships are good...can't complain about those.
THANKS SO MUCH for your very kind words.
I read your ivillage profile...and I'll bet there are lots of wonderful men out there who would LOVE to meet you? Perhaps a few of 'em will click on the amjay45 icon and discover how many interests you have in common?
Anybody who enjoys music from the 60s, 70s, and 80s...plus Beethoven...has obviously got a lot of class!
Best of luck and good wishes from...
Pianoguy
With that clarification, I would definitely not hold your breath about this guy. Are you on the online dating sites as well? You should definitely not put all your eggs in this one basket. Enjoy the friendship, but you might want to talk a little less often, etc. so that you make room in your life for someone who wants the same type of romantic r'ship you do.
Sheri
Yes, I put a profile on the on-line sites, but I feel it's pretty hopeless. I have received only a couple of responses over the last few months and they are from men who are SOOOOOOO not what I'm looking for and I'm not even talking about physical attraction...just sort of...well, ICK! They are obviously looking for one thing kind of men.
If only I ENJOYED being without a partner! Life would likely be easier!
Joanne
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