friends or more than?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
friends or more than?
3
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:58pm
So I've known this guy for a year now, and I can truly say he is my best friend and I have never had a relationship like this before and I have always had guy friends.We are both 24 years old. When we first became friends he was dating a girl seriously and we made sure that we didn't place ourselves in any situation that would look poorly, because like I said we were just friends. They soon broke up and we became even closer. He calls me every day at least once sometimes more, and sends me a text message every morning that he hopes i have a great day. We see each other one or two times during the weekdays and the past 3 months every weekend we've spent together. So here's what I do not understand. I feel like we are in a dating relationship except we have no physical relationship at all. However, the other day he figured out something was bothering me and when I asked if he could ever see me as more than friends he responds with I love you, you are my best friend in the entire world, I cherish our friendship more than anything else, I trust you more than anyone, I can't imagine my past or my future without you, I tell you everything, and yet I don't think I can reciprocate those feelings for you. He continued to say that while we are great friends he doesn't think we would be good in a relationship because we are so much alike.

I am so confused. This relationship is not your typical best friend relationship, I don't call my best friend everyday. Yet, he says we will never be more than just friends. He has told my friends that we could never date because we were too much alike and he is afraid that our relationship would end badly and he would lose our friendship, and he is not willing to lose that. After embarrassing myself with sharing my heart with him, I asked him how we could ever go back to how things were? His response was we were going to be fine. The next night he cancelled a meeting and came over and we discussed the whole situation face to face for 4 hours. We both cried and he said that he knew he had hurt his best friend and that hurt him more than anything else. I can honestly say that our friendship is stronger than ever and we are back to the same way things were. I do have feelings for him, still; however, I don't want to lose our friendship. It shocks me how well he knows me and can read me, sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. So, my question is is he just saying that he wants to just be friends because he is scared. He got really hurt in his last relationship and I think he is afraid of having the same thing happen. Due to family issues he has trust issues and I realize that. Should I just wait it out and let him realize that the relationship that we have is not a normal best friend relationship and that there is so much more there? Do I let go of the relationship alltogether and hope that he sees what he has lost? Will he ever come around or is he truly in it just for a friendship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:17pm
He is a very special person for being so honest with you that he does not have romantic feelings for you - it probably has nothing to do with his past or his family - you just don't do it for him in that way and that is not a personal reflection on you - the chemistry is just not there for him. I have had the same situation as you and the same situation in reverse, several times.

Be his friend only if you are fine watching him pursue and date others and tell you about the details, as friends do. Protect yourself, distract yourself and date others. Again, he is being totally honest with you and there is nothing to analyze - he doesn't feel the "click" with you beyond friendship - I felt the same about a very close friend in law school - there were times I wished I could feel more but I didn't and we never kissed even. He is married now and we still talk almost every day.

Yes, his feelings could change but it is up to him not you - but as far as being friends only if you are able to hear about him dating other girls - otherwise do not torture yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:52pm
I agree completely with Deena. I think you have to take his words at face value. He is telling you, over and over, that he just wants to be friends, and if you can't do that, please don't hold onto the hope that he will change his mind b/c he probably won't, and if he does he knows where to find you.

And how is it not a normal best friend relationship? Is it b/c YOU have feelings for him? I think other than that nothing is out of the ordinary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:29am
Sweetie, this guy wants to be your friend ONLY! You want more and sorry, you won't get it. Perhaps for now, it is best to back off to let things cool off. You misinterpreted his caring ways for something more. I praise his honesty though yet I am feeling like you did not want to hear that. If you are not able to talk to him right now, then that is fine yet I would not loose a friendship either. Give it time, you'll see things in a much different light once you do some thinking.

Take care!