friends vs. lovers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
friends vs. lovers
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:50am

one of my close male friends (Martin) who is also my neighbour is on and off trying to become my boyfriend since 3 years.

He does a couple of things for me. like picking me up from a party at 2 am when I have no car to drive me home or to go to a party with me so i dont have to go alone, but its more things FRIENDS do.

He never gets me jewlery or flowers like the guys I dated did. And he is jelouse!!! oh my god.! He is jelouse on ANY guy i ever went out with. Or any guy that even looks at me! and when I wear gifts of my ex's he is really ANGRY and jelouse and makes a scene!! even if it was from a guy I only went out with for a week and never slept with or kissed. Even if it is a gift from my one and only long term boyfriend Martin gets jelouse. Martins jelousy makes me afraid!

He is just so POSESSIVE.

I mean... WHY is he jelouse?! at all. And why on people I do not see anymore!!! and I saw before Martin and I even became friends??!!!
And WHY should I NOT wear those gifts I got. I can not afford nice jewlery and if I got them as a gift years ago and I want to wear it i can do it. Right?!

Martin is wealthier than most guys I dated, but he NEVER makes me a gift.
If he would have made me a gift i would have worn his.
He does not have to, but he shall not complain about other people making me gifts!
WHY would I not be allowed to wear the gifts of other man?!

What can i do?!
I am a student I could not afford this.
Shall I throw it away now that I know that my best friends loves me?!
NO.
WHY should i?!

he is from a wealthy family and has a good job when he wants a new watch he buys it.
while I am from a poor family and I am a student i wear the same watch since 10 years.
why should i throw away the only stuff i have?
...
..
.

i wonder if he is only angry that I once loved another man than him.
And that I actually slept with another man, but never slept with him.
When he get jelouse and possessiv and angry about my 10 year old watch, I NEVER want to sleep with him. Regardless of how intelligent, nice, pretty, rich or sexy he is.

It makes me feel like he is not about 'love', but about ANGER that he did not get what HE thinks the other guys got.

well
they did not.
I have not slept with so many man in my life.

Martin and I never kissed but when i was drunk he kissed my back. It was a strange feeling. I liked it, BUT it was something he 'planned' on for a long time rather than 'loving' me in the moment. So I stopped him.

Also I am emotionally not available right now.
I have not emotionally opened myself since one year.

I met a man (Carl) one year ago! !
We dates for 3 weeks and had a one night stand, and I can not forget him since!

Carl is the opposit of Martin. He is uneducated, insensitive and my family disrespects his family for having no higher education. I suffered from this because I told my mother by accident! who I am going out with-BIG MISTAKE. She convinced me that he is 'not good enough' for me and that he does not care for me. I was stupid enough to believe it and now I miss Carl..

Carl calls me or emails me every couple of months and tells me he loves me and if we were in the same city if we could BE together and if i love him too and if i still think of him too. I try not to reveal it to him, but I can not.

Whenever I almost got over Carl he calls or emails me again and my emotions start again.
I have not seen him since a year!! but I think about him and that night we spend and miss him almost every day.!!

I have never had such strong feelings for any man.
I wonder what to do with them. !!
If i should just cut contact with him (i tried a couple of times but everytime i missed him more than i could handle, for him it was the same).

I am at a point where I want something REAL.
I want a real relationship.
someone I can hold every night and hug and talk to and go out with.

Martin fits to my lifestyle and he does not let me down. He is a dependable friend! We go for weekend getaways,he takes me to my favorite sports, places, cultural events and tries to spend every free minute with me.

While I dont even know where Carl lives.
But wherever I go I have Carl on my mind.
So I am physically with my friend Martin, but I am not happy because my mind and heart and body and soul is with Carl.

Carl told me a couple of weeks ago that he wants to live with me. He asked me if I want him to MOVE in my place and live with me.
I got nervous and said we have to 'date' again first. He said he only visits my city if he can stay overnight at my place because he does not want to travell 8 hours in one day. I had to travel that day so he did not come to my place.

I can not offer him my place because as long as i am a student i am in the appartmentbuilding that my mother runs and she is just as possessiv of me as martin is.

There is no way ANYONE can enter my house without me getting into troubles for it. not even work colleagues. It is my mothers property. I can not move out as long as I depend on her financially so i can finish my education.

I miss Carl a lot.
One time he was in my city but he did not even go for coffe with me because he was with friends and did not want to upset them. I was furious when I he told me that. but he also promised me that he had not slept with anyone since we have slept with one another.
i believe him.
i want to believe him.

Sometimes i travell for months to other continents during my studies.
i do not miss martin one single second.
but i miss carl every second.

and i wonder where he is and what he does and if he is well and how he would like it where i am at right now and on and on and on...
it is not healthy for me to live like this.

i do not have the money to take carl with me whever i go.
and i do not even know if he would come with me.

it is just not the same feeling when Marting huggs me or when Carl huggs me..

its like living in a dream world while the real world out there is waiting for me and i just cant make the step out of my dream into reality because i hold onto my dream in the hope for it to become real one day. I just do not want to ruin the slight chance i have with Carl by accepting Martins offer because I am afraid to never love Martin as much as I love Carl.

i have been holding onto Carl for one year now. The longer I do not let go the harder it becomes for me.

I am getting older and lonlier.
I just wish I could feel for Martin what I feel for Carl!

my mum tells me that i have to decide from the head.
my dad tells me to decide from my heart.
i WISH i would know what to do.
But my head and my heart do not want to agree.
In neither case.

Carl is the man I love.
Martin is the man I fit with.

what shall i do?!!

I hurt either way.

I even thought of signing up for a field mission abroad and far away so I can clear my thoughts. But i realised I can not run away from my feelings.

Carl knows how I feel and that i love him more than anything else on this planet right now.
Martin knows that I am hesitant and stuck on someone and he waits for me to 'get over it'. ...

is love a desease one has to 'get over'?
if so I want the cure!

and when i will be cured will i be happy.

or is it better to 'take a chance' and be alone all the time witing for prince charming on the white horse to arrive one day at my ivory tower he can not enter anyway...

:(