The full story...so, now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
The full story...so, now what?
4
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:58pm
All right, after a tiff w/ my ex(we have more problems now that we've broken up!) about his new girlfriend, we made amends and I was discussing this with the guy I like, the aim conversation kind of went like this:
Me: He agreed not to talk about making out with her and I agreed not to talk about making out with...oh wait, I don't have anyone to make out with
Him: Why don't you make out with ---- (a weirdo we both work with)
Me: I was thinking about someone a little more manly...someone like you
Him:...Well, I'll give you a hint, there are a lot of girls that want to make out with me
(to myself: what a jerk!)
Me: well, wait a second, just cos there are a lot of girls that want to make out with you doesn't mean they'll all have that chance
Him: Exactly
Me: I'm just wondering if I'm one of those girls who have that chance
Him: Well, yeah, just don't push it, I don't have the mental capacity for a gf right now
That was the end of that convo, but the problem is this: Two years ago, he met this girl who originally served as a fallback, but instead they became best friends and at the beginning of last summer he asked her out and she said that she'd think about it. Well, he goes away to camp during the summer, but calls on the weekends when he's off, and eventually when he comes home at the end of the summer, she tells him she doesn't even want to try to make the relationship work. He calls her, goes to school to see her, but she wants nothing to do with him. Yet, months later, he is still not over her. His friend has tried to get him back out in the dating world, but he wants nothing to do with that. I think we may have a chance, since we are friends and hang out a few times a week with and without other friends, it's just that I don't want to push too hard and have him totally back off. I just don't what to do for him to help him get over her. Everyone says give him time, but I was wondering if there were any other suggestions out there that might work, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:54pm
Hon, what makes you think the two of you have a chance? He clearly stated "Well, yeah, just don't push it, I don't have the mental capacity for a gf right now." He's telling you clearly that he doesn't want anything. Can you stick around and wait? Sure. But honestly, why would you want to? Don't you deserve a man who is going to give you his time and himself? Do you really want to wait around for a guy who does not want you to?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 8:32am

"I'm not ready for a gf right now" is male-ese for "I'm not interested."

Backstory means nothing at all. He knows you're single. If he were interested, believe me, you'd know it.

Oh - and that story about guys being "hurt" from a past relationship? That's another male-ese for "I'm not interested."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:23am

He said he does not want a gf right now, believe him. Trying to change his mind will only frustrate you and you will wind up getting hurt in the long run. When someone tells you who they are or what they want you should believe them.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:10pm

<< All right, after a tiff w/ my ex(we have more problems now that we've broken up!) about his new girlfriend>>

Whoa, stop right there ... you've broken up, which means you should have NO problems anymore, not MORE problems. Its fine that you've since made amends with your ex, but ... this (above) is exactly why a little TIME AND SPACE after a relationship ends is a good idea.

Basically, your ex's new GF is none of your concern. Not unless you MAKE IT your concern.

<< I was discussing this with the guy I like, the aim conversation kind of went like this>>

Secondly, if you LIKE a guy, don't discuss your ex and your issues with your ex with the guy you like. He's not one of your GFs. Classic mistake ... but, if you like him, you don't want to lump him into the "friends" category. Which is exactly what he'll think if you talk to him about your ex as though he is one of your GFs. He's not.

Case in point, << Him:...Well, I'll give you a hint, there are a lot of girls that want to make out with me
(to myself: what a jerk!) >>

Well, sure you think to yourself "what a jerk!" ... but what do you expect when you're sharing with him stuff about your ex and talking to him like he's one of your girlfriends. So, he's boasting about the girls that want to make out with him ... like you're one of his guy buddies ... but you're thinking "what a jerk" ... well, he doesn't know you LIKE him ... obviously since you're talking about issues with your ex with him. From a guy's perspective, if a girl likes him, she's not going to be talking about OTHER GUYS with him. So, he's just giving you a taste of what that feels like.

<< I think we may have a chance, since we are friends and hang out a few times a week with and without other friends, it's just that I don't want to push too hard and have him totally back off>>

He told you he doesn't have the "mental capacity for a gf right now" ... if you want to read that as "I have a chance" ... that's fine. But, if anything, I think he's telling you I ... DONT ... WANT ... A ... GF.

I think it would be a mistake to a) not believe him and b) think that just because he asked out this other girl after becoming friends with her that the same will happen here. He could have been in a different "mental capacity" then.

When a guy says what he said, you'd be better off believing him than pining away HOPING you have a chance. There isn't anything you can do to HELP someone get over another person. That's up to him.

If you want to continue being this guy's friend, that's fine. And if you offer more than that and end up playing kissy-face with him, that doesn't mean that he wants a GF, either. It just means that he likes the attention, he likes kissing, and sure ... he'd probably even go for having sex with you, but ... that isn't a relationship nor is a promise of one.

If you can be just friends without wanting or expecting anything more, that's fine. If not, just realizing that you are responsible for you and that you are probably setting yourself up for disappointment, in which case ... you might want to back off a bit.