Game or truth
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| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 1:49pm |
Hey Ya'll. I have been out of the dating game for about 6 years, and before that, I was pretty much a player myself. If i wanted a guy for one thing only, ahem... physical attraction, then I went and got it. I didn't want a relationship. But then I met my ex, in 2001. We hit it off from the very beginning. I was ready for a relationship then. We lasted a whopping 5.5 years with out even being engaged and did live together for about a year. I always felt very insecure because he had girlfriends and spoke to them often. Well, we called it quits mututally in December but talk everyday despite some peoples thought processes. At this moment, it seems to have helped me with out having to have him out of my life. Don't ask. But I have gone on a few dates ans at the beginning of March started talking to a new guy. He's great but he has alot going on in his life - honestly.
Background - Have known 'Bob' for about 3.5 years. His dad always wanted us to meet and the few times we did, there was definitely a skip in my heartbeat. I was alway with the ex when we saw each other though. THen i remembered him in March. I calle dhim at his work and his dad was excited to hear from me. "bob' called me back right away and hadnt' stopped calling since, even on his vacation fro a week he called every night. He even said that he wanted to get to know me from the first time we met but i was with my ex. He said that he could believe that we were hagning out, he would never have thought this. Through our conversations i learned of all the things he has going on right now. It is a lot. Building a house, sports 3 days a week, he lives an hour away, and family and friend issues all the time. He always remembered things i'd say and was totally into the things that i was doing. We hit it off. He told me what our kids names were going to be, which did freak me out a bit. But i can't help but feel that he was honest about his feelings with me. We did make one day a week our day and a few inbetween. we have seen each other about 10 times over this period. Enough for me as well since i still needed space from my ex.
Then out of the blue he didn't call for 3 days. Then I called him on the 4th. we had a normal conversation. Then at the end, he sais he wanted to talk about 'us'. Well i wanted to fall out of my seat. I didn't think of us as 'us. but ok. Then he said he is getting frustrated with his house and realizing that he hasn't been on schedule and needs to get that done. He couldn't see me right now. Then I said, I understood and I was in the same place to need my time still. I told him that I wished him luck and to not be a stranger. He then studdered and said, Oh no i won't, I still want to talk to you and hang out every couple weeks or so. I didn't know what to say at that point because I was already a little hurt, but I just kept saying, it's ok, i understand. Then i told him I needed to go and I'll talk to ya later and he said I'll call you back. I said, it's ok. and that was that. I didn't hear back from him lastnight. But i started exercising again and am going to get back into my routine before i started talking to him.
I am old fashioned, but I also Know how players are. Is he going to call? Did he really mean that he doesn't want to cut things off. I know at this moment he doesn't want me and I will date. But should I leave the book open with him? How does this work.

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It sounds like he is juggling alot and is getting frustrated with the delays in his home project. I have been in his position and it does come across like you don't want to be with the person but you cant let things slide.
If it feels like logistics, timing, and location are interfering with your relationship then you do need to take another look at the potential that this relationship has for the future because unless one or the both of you move, things are not going to change. Dating every couple of weeks while you are living an hour apart, is a little less than what most people would consider to be ideal.
Keep your dating options open at this point. See how it goes on your next date and see if the phone calls pick up again once his major tasks are out of the way.
People change their minds all the time and they don't have to be a player to change minds. He may have just realized that he cant carry the load he is currently carrying. That's all.
A player is someone who deliberately leads you to believe one thing when he intends something else. A player is someone who is a coward and needs to trick women into bed or trick women into believing they want more from a relationship than they do so they do go into bed or leave themselves open for the sucker punch - they secretly like hurting women - they would never admit to it.. A player has a score card in his mind. Everything is a game to someone like this, even just going out to dinner - is a mind fest of games. His insecurities drive him to behave this way. Players are smooth, but not that smooth....because while you are gazing lovingly into his eyes, his WORDS tell you everything. For instance, a player will behave in a way that you believe is genuine interest in YOU while his words say, "I am sexually attracted you." He is not telling you he loves, wants to date you regularly, introduce you to his mom, thinks you are a great friend. His words are exactly "I am sexually attracted to you." Because women get smitten by a handsome face, broad shoulders, tight butt, chisled chest and heaps of attention and flirting...they are not paying 100% attention to what is happening around them. Then, when he sleeps with you and never calls back, he can always rely on his words to back his actions up. That is premeditated.
I call them cowards because they don't have enough confidence to just lay the cards out on the table - admitting they just want a casual situation and end up with psycho chicks afterwards and sigh to themselves, "I just attract psychos." They feed off of this extreme behavior from women because he knows he hurt them. Who knows why they are like this, maybe too much female rejection early in life? But every woman pays for that rejection afterwards.
The fact that you say you were a player, doesn't sound like what I just described. Did you lead men on to believe one thing and come through with another? Going after what you want with no commitment is not a player. That is someone who just wanted casual relationships and no commitment. Unless there is a new definition of player...please help me understand.
I never heard from him. I barely remember my attitude on Monday's conversation, but I know i was kinda like 'whatever' since I was suprised about the topic of conversation. I didn't know what to say and at that time I thought I would hear from him.
I called him lastnight to just say hi and apologize if I had put any pressure on him and that I do want to remain friends. He didn't answer, so I just left a cheery vm saying that I hope he had a great day and I would love to hear from him. HOW LONG DO I WAIT NOW> I want to feel like I have some closure, but I want to remain friends, that is what we were before. But I do want to talk to him. I miss just talking to him, afterall that is what our relationship was primarily.
I know it's not like we had a long love afair or something, but I don't know what happened. Do I just move forward with my life, and continue to call him everyonce in a while, or if he doesnt call me back, just let go all together? I hate this. Someone tell me what to do. I dont want to look like I'm not interested anymore, but I also dont want to cross any lines. thanks
You must be sad because now you feel as though you lost someone from your life. I would assume that he will return your call, if he has done so in the past.
You and he can't be exactly as you were before. That is the pitfall of dating friends. Things change and we can't return things as they were - but maybe it can be close to what you had befor. I understand how you feel about losing someone who you could talk to about your day and your problems. It is hard to find people who you can talk to and know that they are really listening.
You really have no choice but to move on with your life. If he doesn't return your call then why would you want to continue dating him? That action signifies callousness and rudeness. You said you don't want to appear disinterested in him. Your message covers that. You apologized for appearing to pressure him. If you feel that is what he is responding to, then he will understand and should really feel flattered that someone likes him that much to want to spend more time with him - never apologize for that. If he is ungracious about it, then he is not worth your time.
LASTNITE _
All of Bob's friends (the one's he introduced me to) were at my local hangout/ I was frustrated at first.
When I walked up to the restuarant, One group of his friends was standing outside and as i passed by them (looking as hot as i could) one of them says in a cheery voice "that's her". I didn't know who they were at first so I didn't stop./ Then when we all walked back outside, they were standing there and The same one that made the comment earlier was like, 'haven't i met you?' I said yes, shook his hand and said my name is 'marie', i am bob's friend. He said thats right. and i went on my way. I was totally offguard, i didnt think i would run into them. then when we got to the dance floor. i saw another group of his friends and one of them was acting shady, but i think thats cause my friend jenny kinda told him she wasnt interested and she was standing right beside me. And last but not least, on our way out, the other group of friends (the ones that made the comment), were walking by and said something fun and flirty with me and i was like what?.... not a bad nite, but just didnt expect to see any of his friends. I am just going to look at it as a blessing in disguise. what you think? you know they are going to call him and let him know that i was out or whatever guys in this city do, they gossip worse than women.
I still haven't heard from him. Not sure what happened. I am going to sit tight through the weekend and if I don't hear from BOB I will call again next week or just email him good luck and hope to talk to him again. I dont know it's just so weird. Two of my guy friends (older and been thru alot) said that he got spooked and pulled back. give him time and move forward. I can do that. I just need to feel i have closed it as well. Or is it not closure? I hate this
Hey ya'll.
So i went out lastnight as every sat night, and bob was there, the same place i am at every weekend. he didn't start going out again until we met a couple months ago. All my friends including my ex told me that bob couldn't keep his eyes off me. he was around every corner. his friends said hi to me first then he came over, gave me a hug and said hi, you look very nice. i said thank you gave him a kiss on his neck, and asked him to get me a water. he did and then i went back over the my girls. that was when all the 'staring' started. made me feel good, but why is he so scared? his buddies told my good friend that he gets weird when he really likes someone and they dont know why he backed off. im sad and happy at the same time. is he worth waiting a little longer for? there is noone else that i am interested in at the moment and he seems to be a genuine person. now i dont feel insecure about him saying he needed to fninsh those thing he needs to before he can give me more attention. but how do i do this. i miss talking to him. but before i went out lastnight, i sent him an email, this is what it said:
Hey bob. I hope you're doing well. :) I apologize if I was short with ya on our call Monday. Work had me a little distracted.
I like you, very much. I also understand that you have alot going on at the moment; I respect your dedication. I did not want to call or ask too much of you because you were busy. I love to hear from you, I like being around you and hope to see you again. I wish you the best in finishing your home. I'm sure it will be great. Maybe one day you can show me. :)
Love,
Marie
Dont know if he read this before i saw him. but i am sure he is used to girls getting angry and mad at him for this kinda activity. but i dont want to be negative. i want to be my usual nice self. i woke up feeling that lastnight was very successful, but I still feel in a rut with him. advice now?...
Okay, so all of you hang out at this place. Okay, sorry to alarm you in the previous post, but I've seen this happen to women before - especially in college - and it has resurfaced in the last 10 years.
"his buddies told my good friend that he gets weird when he really likes someone and they dont know why he backed off. im sad and happy at the same time." - so....finally the truth comes out. I would be happy and sad too.
"is he worth waiting a little longer for?" - as long as he doesn't play games with you or your emotions - it seems like men are across the board are making women WAIT everywhere for their "precious" behinds (I wonder which American genius thought this one up - boy! are they making women suck it up)- sorry, but he needs to be a grown up and call you back when you call and explain himself in a mature way and not stare at you from across the room and not talk to you - all that appears to be game playing. I don't know how old you guys are,but his behavior seems a little immature. I wouldn't want to be treated that way.
To me, this is a little more than just having too big a distance between the two of you and having a busy schedule - I see game playing - maybe others and you don't.
I know you like him and there is no one else to focus on right now, so if you feel that he someone special, then you'll do what you feel is right.
Ok So now 'bob' has moved me from being in his top friends on myspace to on the second page. That kinda hurts my feelings especially since i didn't do anything wrong. My girlfriend is still in his top friends. Should I go ahead and completeley delete him from my myspace? Am i being overly sensitive?
Also, i haven't heard from him other than seeing his sat night. When/if i see him in the near future, am I allowed to clarify the situation at hand, since he hasn't called as he said he would. or do i give him a little more time. I am not stopping my life. but i am one for closure.
I just put up a myspace profile. Kind of interesting little place. I understand your need and desire for closure. His actions are telling you where you place in his life.
Your last encounter at the bar told me that he is just into messing with your head. He is not worth any anguish on your part.
If you can, try to bring closure to yourself. When women have closure conversations with men, sometimes, men can be cruel and use the conversation to hurt the woman further.
I gave up on closure conversations a long long long time ago and it has worked for me. He is not worth you dispensing any energy on him.
If you want you can send him an email that basically lets him know to lose your number. But if you write the email, you need to phrase it in such a way that explains that you are moving on and you don't see this relationship working and you hope he has no hard feelings about it. Turn it around on him.
Try not to get into your hurt feelings, because he doesn't care and will just use it for fun conversations with his friends to joke about. Tell your friends, family and whomever how hurt you are because your feelings are real. Men don't honestly care about a woman's hurt feelings when they have decided to not see her anymore.
Now my competitive side is coming out and i feel like being a little sly. telling him the i know what happened and that i would still like to be his 'friend'. this would be my way at getting back at her. but i have had a pit in my stomach for 2 days now. I need to tell him he is horrible. this is what i was going to say.
'Im not quite sure why things have happened the way they did, But i valued the person that IIII knew you to be. I would like to remain friends. Good luck at your tournament and i'll see ya around.' Is this so bad?
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