Gay or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Gay or not?
7
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:10am
Thanks for reading my story. I knew a guy through internet dating. He is very nice. I think I like him. But he has a gay friend & he hang around with the gay friend some time. He is very sensible person. I mentioned once if he is gay or something like that. He was upset about this. Can anyone give any advice that I can find out if he is bi-sexual? I will have chance to meet his friends some time coz we work in the same area. Any advice how I can find out from his friends? Really appreciate if you can give any advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:56am
My bf's next door neighbour before he moved was gay and now that my bf moved, they're still good friends. My bf has even gone to clubs with this guy and his friends. Does this make my bf gay? Of course not!! It just means he has gay friends. Big deal!

I can understand why this guy was upset when you asked if he was gay. It's an awfully broad assumption to make simply because he has a gay friend.

And just because a person is 'sensible' doesn't mean they're gay or not.

Accept the guy for who he is and how he treats you. Gay friends or straight, as long as they're nice people, what's it matter?

Eve


Edited 7/20/2004 12:58 am ET ET by pureatheart11

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:10am
Thank you very much for your reply. I don't mind he has gay friends. I totally respect who he is. But, I am just wondering if he is bisexual. I am not sure if I can accept that my bf is a bisexual though. As long as he is straight, he has the right to decide whatever he wants to do. Make sense? I respect him coz I like him. But, I want to make sure he is straight also coz I like him. Any suggestions? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:24am
I just don't understand why you'd make the assumption that he's bi in the first place. He got upset at your assumption. Isn't that enough for you? Do you need proof from every person you're interested in that they're straight? Your line of thinking just sounds silly to me and it's based, from what you've said, only on him having a gay friend.

Maintaining an attitude like this is only going to frustrate him and push him away. What would you like him to DO to prove to you he's straight? Even if he did do something to show you he's straight (and I still can't think of anything he could do), you'd think he was doing it just to make you believe it and you'd still have doubts. So he can't win.

You have this idea in your head and now you're seeking proof to validate it.

Accept his friendship, get to know him better and let anything more develop if it's going to. Right now you're thinking he's bi and you're wanting him to prove you right so you can satisfy yourself that you were right about him all along.

Why not just give him the benefit of the doubt?

"As long as he is straight, he has the right to decide whatever he wants to do." What the heck does that mean??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:49am
Thanks. I think you are right. I should just let it go. If anything means to happen, it will happen. At this stage (very early. we only had 6 dates), I definately would like to know him better. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:09am
Good luck. Just relax and enjoy dating him. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:22am
I think I am just worrying him too much. I can't really be relaxed. He is clean, slim, sensible which are all the characters that I like very much, but I don't know why I am worrying if he is gay. I always worry if he is going to call or email after we had good time. I wonder who it is if he got calls when we were together. (I know it is far too early to worry about if he has other girls.) I always always worry. I feel really stressed. I want to be relaxed. I don't know why I can't. Can a guy be as nice as him & in the mean time he likes me as much as I like him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: iquestiongirl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:30am
"Can a guy be as nice as him & in the mean time he likes me as much as I like him?" Yes. I didn't think it was possible till I met my guy - who seems to want to spend every waking moment with me (although not in a clingy/needy way, if that makes sense).

I think what you have to realise is that you really do have to relax. Recognise that your insecurities are YOURS and they're not anything to do with him. BUT you're projecting those insecurities onto him ('he could be gay' etc).

You have to work out what it is within YOU that is making you this way. Where are your insecurities coming from? What are your fears? If you continue to make them into something that's about him ('he could be gay or bi and I should be worried'), then he'll start to feel as though he's doing something wrong and the last thing you want is for the person you like to be uncomfortable around you.

"I always worry if he is going to call or email after we had good time." Leave it up to the universe. If he's gonna call, he's gonna call. You can't control his behaviour, but you can control your thoughts. Just let it be.

Understand that it's a CHOICE to be stressed or not. You CAN make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking, if you want to.

Counselling could be good for you too. Sometimes an objective person makes recognising and dealing with our fears/insecurities a whole lot easier.

Eve :-)