Getting back into dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Getting back into dating
3
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:15pm
Background first: I have recently gotten out of a relationship of 7 years. He was the love of my life and my best friend and a caring lover. He's not dead, it's just over.

Now, I'm single again and having the typical doubts on appearance and what to disclose about myself to someone new. That I can deal with. I went on a couple of dates with this guy who seemed real nice, but both times I met him, he wanted to buy me drinks all the time and was trying to insist that I keep drinking even though I made it clear that I wasn't going to(being responsible about driving and such). I think he might be an alcoholic but with such limited time with him, can't be sure. My main issue is that when he touched me(holding hands, hand on my back under my shirt) I didn't feel anything. Ya know, like goosebumps or shivers. When I go out dancing with guys, and get freaky, I don't feel anything...even though the men are quite excited and often want to get to know me better afterward. I am concerned that I could be emotionally frigid due to the loss of my love, even though I am perfectly capable of enjoying myself by myself. I like sex and don't want to think that he "ruined" me for other men. Is it possible that I just need more time? I have heard it's better to just move on quickly versus just taking your time, as that can lead to not being motivated to try again. PLEASE HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:16pm
Personally I have never heard the theory that you should move on quickly. Not true IMO. Yes, I think you just need more time. Seven years with someone you felt so strongly about is going to take time to get over. You need to heal and grieve the loss. I don't think you're emotionally frigid. Emotionally numb or in shock is more like it. You need some time to yourself to become a healthy, happy individual on your own. That is the only type of person who finds and can develop a happy healthy relationship with another person. So do that first, and date later. It raises a red flag to me that you said your "main issue" is that you feel nothing when your date touched you. IMO the main issue that should have raised a red flag is him trying to get you drunk, even after knowing you didn't want to. Not exactly a great guy to pursue. Sorry about your ended relationship. Try to take some positive things away from it, learn from it, heal from it, then let it go and don't carry it as baggage into your future. Good luck.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:23pm

Who the heck told you that?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:54pm
I meant that I have no problem handling the issue of drinking or not drinking; no one can make me do that against my will. He wasn't trying to get me drunk, I believe; I think of it as the type of person who doesn't like to drink alone(which I have been around in just friends situations, and handle much the same). I just feel like this guy could be someone to hang out with sometimes, definitely NOT a relationship. Also I miss sex, and this guy didn't have any problem with my body(with clothes on); I am overweight but working on it. I don't have any good friends where I am and sometimes it's just easier to tomboy it out with a guy. I miss having friends, male or female, and that makes getting out in the world harder being by myself most times. I did ask my sister about this whole thing and she did tell me to take my time, I just worry that I'm going to end up in a rut and not look for anyone anymore.