getting back together or moving on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
getting back together or moving on?
10
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:12pm

I'm not sure where to post this, it's part about dating, part about divorce/marriage. I also posted this on "the relationship saver" board. Anyhow...

I've been divorced for 2.5 years. My husband left the relationship because he wasn't ready for the committment. We were very much in love with one another. I don't know if that makes sense, but I never doubted his love for me or the love we shared. His actions hurt me tremendously and I felt betrayed by the actions that stemmed from his fear of committment.

I moved over 1500 miles away to start a new career. For the first 2 years after divorce we remained very good friends and spent a lot of time visiting and travelling together. Just recently, within the last 4 months, our friendship stopped because he was dating someone. I stopped our friendship because I realized I was not being a friend, but actually waiting for him to come back. His dating made me realize that.

In these last four months I've realized I had to move on with my life and have been dating quite a bit. Recently, I've met someone I think is really special. We've been on 5 dates and I find him to be such a great guy. I feel very close to being in love with him.

This weekend my ex emailed me the letter I had waited for -- professing his love and how he's realized what we have and how I've been the most important and influential thing in his life ...and wanting to get back together, to share a life together and have a family. He says that dating someone that he liked very much made him realize that it was only me he could see sharing his life and having a family with.

I'm in a difficult position. I know that my ex and I have a history, had a true love, and now he wants to make it work. He says he's willing to move to where I am to make it work. This new person I'm dating has been great from the start, he's treated me well from the beginning, yet we're not in love (yet) and there are many question marks in what type, of any future we might have together since the relationship is only about 1.5 months old.

I feel fortunate to be in this situation, I never thought I would be at a point like this in my life, but also scared of making the right decision. I will always wonder how the other road would have been. How would you approach making this decision? What would you do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:52pm

Wow! That's quite a situation to be in!

Has your ex been to counseling, and if so, for how long? I don't think anyone just "gets over" commitment issues without some pretty hard core inner work. It would be classic commitmentphobe behavior to come back around now that you have stopped contacting him and started to move on, in fact...but that doesn't mean that he'll stay around once you start giving him attention again.

So...that's the first step, IMO...him being in counseling for at least six months (that would be my suggestion but you may decide on a different time frame) before you'd consider taking him back. I'd continue to see the other gentleman in the meantime...there's no guarantee that things will work out with him or that the ex will follow through.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:05pm

I absolutely agree with Sheri. It seems as if your ex only got serious about you when you started dating somebody else. Are you sure he just might want you to be always available for him rather than actually having a revelation that he now wants a serious commitment?

He needs counseling and lots of it. 6 months minimum before you agree to anything.

Continue with new relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:24pm

This reminds me of a situation I found myself in a few months ago, except my version was far more abbreviated and simple than yours. I dated someone briefly, I fell for him, but he was unreliable and in the end didn't want a serious relationship so he dumped me. I was pretty devastated, but I met someone knew and just as I was starting to feel good about him, the old guy resurfaced to say how much he regretted screwing up and could we get back together? Weak person that I am, I relented and we hooked up. But in that one day I spent with him I realized that he hadn't changed at all. He was lonely and missed me, but he wasn't sorry for the way he treated me because he continued to act the same way.

So while my situation was far less complicated than yours (we didn't have true love or get anywhere close to marriage) I did feel that tug of wanting to know if he'd changed and if we could be happy together. I think sometimes you do need to "go there" in order to get the peace you need to move on. After my brief reunion with my ex, I got the strength and clarity I needed to break it off with him for good. I told him all the things I had been bottling up when I hoped he was the one and said we should break up and not communicate with each other again. And as hard as it was to do this, with each passing hour after the break up, I only felt more and more certain that I'd done the right thing (and I'm still with the new guy, btw). People often regret letting others go, but this doesn't mean they've changed. I believe your ex misses you because you compare favorably to this other woman he was dating and now he's determined to get you back (the fact that he mentions her is fishy to me and indicates that he hasn't made a sincere transformation). He probably knows all the things he needs to say in order to get you back and that's why he's finally saying what you'd wanted to hear long ago.

You could have a conversation with him but I wouldn't get back together with him based on this one letter. Keep your guard up and try to ascertain for yourself if he's really changed or if he's just saying what he needs to say to get you back. It might be impossible to tell, but if you're able to see for yourself that he hasn't truly changed then you'll be much more at peace to move on with your life.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:32pm

I posted a reply but don't know where it went!

Thank you all very much.. This is sound advice. Sheri, what you say about him being a typical commitmentphobe -- it's true. I'm afraid this could be yet another round of the same situation I've found myself many times before. I decided to send him an email asking about these issues he's struggling to start a dialogue. I have a feeling as I push him on how he's worked through these issues, the depth of his sincerity will show. Not that he means to be deceiving, it's just that I'm not truly convinced he knows how to dig deeply and communicate on these types of issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:20pm

My ex and I have entered an email discussion these last days about his change of heart, I'm trying to discern if this is a "committmentphobic ploy" or the real thing. He's begun to document to me in detail the roots of his "issues" and seems communicative and introspective. He wants to leave his job (tenured job) to be where I am, to give me his savings for a downpayment on a home, wants to have kids with me. I feel on one hand I'm getting the offer I want for my life, but I definitely can't take him on his word. It's going to take time for him to rebuild this trust, like some of you said, serious inner work and therapy. And that's a long process.

But, in this moment, what do I do? I don't want to tell this person I've met about this. But I've never been good at trying to be involved with more than one person.

How do I frame this in my mind where I can feel ok about it. SHOULD I feel ok about it?I want to continue to see this new person but not completely close the door on my ex's offer. Should I tell the new person about the ex's? The new person and I are not sleeping together and we've had a talk about not having sex/being exclusive quite yet since we're going to be separated for a couple of months this summer.

So...? I don't want to lead anyone on, but I don't want to write either of these people off yet.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:35pm

Ok...so the ex has NOT been in therapy at all, is that correct? Then IMO, until he gets serious and starts going, this is all smoke and mirrors. He may well feel he's being sincere, but if he were really serious about changing, he'd be getting help.

So...I would urge you to set a bottom line with him...something like, "call me when you've been seeing a counselor regularly for six months and if I am still available at that time, I'll fly back there and meet with you and your counselor a couple times and we can go from there". Edited to add: If he really has commitment issues, the counseling will do him good even if the two of you don't get back together, so he shouldn't balk at doing it because getting back together with you isn't a "sure thing" if he goes to counseling.

If you choose this path, I think the chances are pretty much slim to none that your ex will actually follow through, so no, I wouldn't tell the new guy about him because it's not very likely to happen.

Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter, btw? Sorry, I can't remember if you said whether you have or not. If you have read it, then you know this type of "curtain call" is *very* common for c'phobes...but it rarely ends up with a happy ending.

Sheri




Edited 5/18/2006 5:02 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 6:47pm

Thank you for the sane perspective. It's so easy for me to get caught up in that feeling of urgency again. I should read the book ...actually I can't remember if I've read it or not. I've read a lot of self-help books on relationships in the last 5 years or so it's hard to remember. This is also something to deal with *again* in my own therapy. It's just that I want to believe. And there's a feeling of urgency, ...that if I say "call me after you've had 6 months of therapy" that he'll be gone forever and that I'd lost some special cosmic opportunity to be with my soul mate. I'm such a romantic or dreamer or something.

Thanks again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:14pm

Honestly...my feeling is that if that were the case, he would have gotten help while you were married, rather than letting you go.

Besides, if it's really meant to be, then six months is NOTHING. It's a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life and something he'd be more than willing to invest.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 8:10am

Thanks. I know! Six months is really nothing in the broader scheme of things. I honestly believe that he's being as sincere as he can be. And I know that he's not ever been one to "believe in" therapy - whatever that means. He's from a different country and I used to chalk it up to cultural differences, but there's only so much I can chalk up to that. They have therapists in Europe, anyway!

I feel very fortunate for having some perspective right now thanks to being in therapy myself, my new job/surroundings, and some positive dating experiences. If I didn't have these things, it would be so much easier to fall back into that pattern with him. Right now there is still a little temptation with it, but being wise about everything is much more comfortable for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 8:35am

I'm speaking from experience when I give you advice. I went with a man for 7 years who enjoyed breaking up and getting back together. He was a great man and we got along better than I did with anyone else but the one thing that I could count on was that he was never going to get married regardless of all the great plans and promises he made. My man was very sincere too, but his actions were very different from his words.

Don't tell your current boyfriend about this, he'll walk. I still agree with NWW, ask your ex whether he is in therapy? considering going to therapy? know what his problems are? what is he going to do about them?

If you hear something like, "I don't need therapy, I can do this on my own.", then you have your answer. He's not going to change and has no plans to change.