Getting dumped at 34 (she's 29)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Getting dumped at 34 (she's 29)
8
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:01am

I'm a guy, and recently my girlfriend broke up with me. I am feeling more hurt and sad inside than I have in years, with any previous girlfriend breakup.

I think that my ex over-reacted to a few things, constantly fought me on my trying to just apologize. And after she seemed to withdraw from the relationship (and become busier with her new job interview, then new job,) she said that I became "needy and clingly" which she said she could not stand. I know you girls have lots more experience in being called these things and talking about it and reading about it in magazines, etc. I will admit that I was feeling more and more desperate in my heart for more attention. But wasn't that a normal response to what I was experiencing? Should she have spent some time with me, so I would feel better and we could grow close again? Or do you think she was over me long before and I was left out of that decision until much later?

Oh, and she finally ended it permanently two weeks after moving into her lesbian friend's apartment - she said it was to save on rent money and reduce debt, as wel as be closer to her new banking job. Just a coinicidence?

Sincerely,

Jouster

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 7:14am

Okay, hon, let's go through your post bit by bit.

"I know you girls have lots more experience in being called these things and talking about it and reading about it in magazines, etc."

No, I don't have more experience because some of us aren't clingy and needy. Quit reading Cosmo.

"I will admit that I was feeling more and more desperate in my heart for more attention. But wasn't that a normal response to what I was experiencing? Should she have spent some time with me, so I would feel better and we could grow close again?"

You were the one that was feeling desperate, it wasn't up to her to fix your insecurities. She was comfortable with the amount of time she was spending in the relationship since she seemed to have other things going on in her life. Hindsight being 20/20 perhaps you should have given her the space she needed.

"Or do you think she was over me long before and I was left out of that decision until much later?"

For a relationship to prosper it takes two people, most often it isn't a joint decision to separate. Most often, one person doesn't want to be in the relationship and leaves.

"Oh, and she finally ended it permanently two weeks after moving into her lesbian friend's apartment - she said it was to save on rent money and reduce debt, as wel as be closer to her new banking job. Just a coinicidence?"

Maybe you are looking at any excuse to shoulder the ending of the relationship. But saving on rent money, reducing debt and being closer to your job is usually a good idea.

If you are taking the end of this relationship particularly badly and don't know why, it might be a good idea to seek the assistance of some counseling. When a relationship ends we often profit from it by getting a better understanding of ourselves and other people. Take this time to think about what happened, why and what you can do better in the future. You might need a woman in your life that has more time to spend with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 9:42pm

First, I want to address the "needy and clingy" issue, then I promise I'll try to offer you some insight on your particular situation.


I think the reason you have the impression that women "have more experience" being called needy and clingy is because women TALK about what they are going through a LOT more than men do.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 1:59pm

Jilly,

Thank you so much for your reply. I did fall really hard for this woman, and I have not been unilaterally dumped in a relationship in over 10 years. It has been very hard to accept that one mistake on my part can lead to her losing the feelins she had for me. And it is upsetting that she seems to be so influenced by her friends and therapist and I cannot change that. She even told me when we were beginning to reconcile that she would feel like she would look like a doormat to her friends, if she were to go back to me, even if she now realized that she had overreacted.

With guys, on the other hand, we listen to our friends opining on what our girlfriends do or not do, but the final decision more times than not is not nearly as influenced by our friends as compared to girls. I think this is the reason why girls look at guys as being "controlling" with regard to their girlfirends - because guys know that they dont have to just convince their girlfriend or wife; they will have to convince the entire concensus of their girlfriend's girlfriends as a whole. Its living a romantic relationship by committee, and that is extrememly unfair and frustrating!

I believe that the girlfriends should quit being SO active in advocating their views about a girl's relatioship with a guy - UNLESS it involves real physical or psychological abuse. Otherwise, your group of girlfriends will be your friends for life, because they will all take their turns spurning boyfriends and husbands, returning to the herd. Marry your friends, or marry a good man. Whew! Doesn't that sound controversial and somewhat vitriolic?!

Well, I am feeling better, and actually have a second date tonight with someone. But I still feel bad to be put in what feels like exile by the ex. She will not return any telephone call, email or test. *sigh* It will definitely be much harder for the next girl to win my heart. Wonder what HER girlfriends will say about me? Will it be "He's Just Not That Into You Anyway" ?

Thanks!

Jouster

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:03pm

I think you are right. I do need a woman in my life that has more time to spend with me.

And spend more time with me than she does with her girlfriends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 4:09pm

Jouster,


(sigh) Man that you are ... I still hear some non-acceptance in what you write.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 11:19am
I am sorry to say, but you do sound like the female in that relationship. When the girl gets to clinging, the guy usually leaves for a new girl. The real coinicidence is that the 'non clingy' person left and is now living with a new girl. hmmmmm???? But all kidding aside, just get over it. You know how it feels to get over a relationship, just think about how, at some point you will stop hurting inside and then move on. If that doesn't work, go to a bar, find a random girl that wants to play, go back to her place, and sleep with her. This will get a load of your mind (no pun intended).
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 7:11pm

Jilly,

Wow! Thank you for putting this so clearly and really helping me to again look at reality. It feels good that women can have empathy for a guy they do not even know.

I appreciate your advice and guidance on new dating in my circumstance. I had a really good date last night with the new girl and we have plans to see a movie together on Sunday. Yes, its Christmas Day, but she's Jewish and my family, being mostly Italian, really puts the emphasis on Christmas Eve. Yikes! Its going to be a third date! She kissed me (nicely but not passionately)when I walked her to the door of her condo building. I guess by the third date i've got to make "The Move".. what was the move, anyway?? LOL, I'm actualy serious, does that mean making out if that's what we're feeling, or more?? Guess that's a good question to have since I am still pining for my ex.

I still experience sadness in my heart seaveral times a day when I think about her (my ex). i dont even think she's the best for me, but ..well, I've already said how I feel.

Jouster

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 8:01pm
Yeah, my ex told me that her friends told her that I sounded like the girl in the relatio ship. Crap, I was just so infatuated....... I've been much more standoffish in my prior relationships