Getting Her From Interested to In Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Getting Her From Interested to In Love
10
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:55am
I've been dating for 4 years in Chicago without much luck in meeting the "right" woman until recently. I'm a 35 year old professional, Christian, and generally happy guy. Well, I met this woman who is fantastic. We've been dating a little over a month. Yesterday I asked her if she wanted to date exclusively and she said "yes".

Here's the deal and my concern: I'm so pumped about this girl I don't want to smother her. If I had my way I'd see her every day and shower her with affection. Simply, this girl is fantastic. Now, that much affection could easily be a turnoff, as I realise everyone needs space, so I'm playing it cooler than that.

I need advice on this. While I continue to talk kindly to her and hold her hand and give her nice affectionate gifts, I'm wondering if I should just chill out, or continue to go for it.

She's 32 and an athletic trainer. I think she digs the triathon guy type but she doesn't like the fact that they can be unreliable. I've been focusing on my career over the past 5 years and making sure I'm a good provider, I'm wondering if I should begin to focus on my athletic skills (as my career is now stable) or should I continue to tout my career strengths?!!

Basically, I need help from an older sister type!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:53am
If you want to get into working out b/c you are interested in it or for health reasons, go for it! If you are thinking of doing it solely to impress her, then think twice. You want her to fall for you b/c of who you are - not b/c you are trying to be someone you think she wants. You don't want to spend the rest of your life doing things you don't like just to keep her interested, do you?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:03pm
I agree with Ginger. Don't do it just for her. Now that your career is stable, you're in a postition to take better care of your body. But do it because you want to and it's good for you, not because you think she wants you to. Don't be intimidated by the type of men she usually dates. She's probably fed up with those types and is why she is with you. You're a Christian, so you know that everything is in God's hands. Trust your own instincts and listen when God talks to you. If she's the one, you'll know it. As far as giving her too much affection, it can't hurt unless you sense that it makes her uncomfortable or she gets annoyed by it. I can't see why any women wouldn't want attention; we love it! Treat her the way you feel she should be treated. She will love the fact that you show her how wonderful she is.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:54pm

I wouldn't be "touting" anything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 3:19pm
Remember that loving is giving and giving means giving in the way that the other person is happy to receive - so giving because you want to is not always what makes the other person happy - get to know her so you know how she likes you to be there for her - some people need more space than others and giving space - even when you want to call her again is being loving and giving her space to get more interested in you. I think at this point you should see her at most twice a week and talk at most briefly once a day - little gifts are nice but if you find you are doing that to win her approval, stop - that is transparent and typically a turn off - she should love you for you not what you can provide for her. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 3:21pm
Thanks for the input. It's one of those things where you want to go the extra mile for someone that is so rare.

I appreciate the advice and I will take it.. a day at a time.. showing her myself and my strengths, not changing my interests to keep hers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:16pm
Just be yourself because that is the person you want her to fall in love with. Also, you mention you are buying her gifts --- hope you aren't talking about more than flowers since you have only been seeing her for a month. You don't want it to look like you are trying to buy her love. Good luck. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 10:56am
Hi,

Thanks for your input.

The gifts have been gifts of affection, not love. I sent her flowers twice (once on Valentine's Day) and after we had been dating a month I bought her a necklace with a gold cross on it, very humble necklace ($100).

She has given me books. 1) As for Me and My House (about how to build a strong marriage). This gift obviously surprised me, but we talked about it the first night we met and she gave it to me a few weeks later. 2) In a Sunburned Country (about travels in Australia).

I tend to pay when we are on dates, mainly because I want to, but also because she makes only $10 an hour and I make about $100k per year. She sometimes buys the popcorn and soda at movies.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:16pm
If she really gave you that book, watch out, unless this is really what you want!

If you are making 5x what she makes, you needn't worry about paying for dates. It's sweet that she buys popcorn.

If you're 35, it wouldn't hurt to start working out. You're at the age where a lot of men really start to let themselves go. And it sounds like you're a bit insecure about the triathlon types. Working out and doing aerobic training would not only be good for you, they'd probably make you feel better about this aspect of your life. You sound like a good guy who has most of what really counts. A little muscle tone doesn't hurt, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:34pm
Well, for the FIRST time in my life, I can say yes, marriage is what I want. Marriage is why I'm dating. I don't waste time with women who aren't looking for a long-term relationship (not that there is anything WRONG with that, of course, I've been single for a long time, by choice).

Yes, you are probably right, a tinge of insecurity about the triathon types. That's a personal issue that I'll deal with. I'm in very good shape, but.. not to that level nor do I have the time to get to that level (or desire).

We met up last night and she really opened up to me. She is showing affection that she was timid to show before.

I appreciate your response. If anything, I'm guilty of worry, which is probably a natural response to someone so special.. but worry must give in to trust.. or, what's the point?

God Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:59pm
If you are in "very good shape" I wouldn't worry about the triathlon types then. Most women are just not that into athleticism -- it's far down the list of what they say makes a man attractive, even what constitutes "good looks". (Assuming they are telling the truth!) But she obviously has other things in mind, otherwise she would not be so interested in you. I wouldn't waste any time worrying about it, except to get to the point where it doesn't bother you.