Getting Him Back

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Getting Him Back
18
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:55pm

I have been going out with a great guy for about 8 weeks now. For the past 2 weeks things have been a little tense but I just thought they were teething problems.

On Monday we sat down to talk it all out and he tells me he met this other girl at the same time as me and has seen her for coffee about 4 or 5 times while we have been together.

He now tells me thats he confused about our relationship and also whatever it is that he has with her. He assures me they have not had a physical relationship. He doesnt know who he wants to be with but in the same breath, told me he'd never been out with anyone like me. That I look after him and treat him better than anyone else he's ever been with and he said "I could seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with you".

I asked him if he was in love with the other girl and he said no. He has told me about 3 or 4 times during the course of our relationship that he loves me.

We do have (or did have) a good relationship and we are able to talk about most things but as with any relationship there have been a few small arguments along the way.

He asked me how long he had to decide and I said its not like "Rent Try Buy", it was his decision to make but he had to be sure that he made the right one because there wouldnt be a second chance. I told him I wouldnt push him into making a decision, that it was his choice to make and he knows how I feel about him and being with him.

I know I'm being a bit of a doormat but I dont think this is the time to jump up & down and scream & shout.

I need to know how to keep him and make him see how good we can be together and basically choose me over this other girl.

HELP PLEASE!!!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: austan
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:14pm
Hon, you're asking for an impossible: you can't make him see that you're the best and you can't make him choose you over the other girl. He as to do it. Apparently, he's been dating the both of you for 8 weeks and he simply feels that the other girl suits his needs better. Accept the facts and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: austan
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:55am
I disagree with the last poster, I don't think it is so simple. I think that he deserves some credit for being honest enough to tell you the truth about how he is feeling. However, to spring the "I love you" phrase so early in a relationship makes me feel that he might have some insecurity issues. Really needy men (i.e., those who use that phrase so soon or have had a estranged parent situation or basically casually date someone else while they are seeing you - whatever the case may be) are often insecure and want other's opinions of them and love / admiration / infatuation towards them constantly to sure them up. He probably does really dig you, but is exaggerating how he feels for you at this point because he feels he needs to do so to keep you there and feel secure. Often, insecure men will sabotage their relationships with secure women in this very way you are describing - in not feeling secure enough that you will want them, they go out and try to find other options - even if they don't really mean to pursue them. I.e., the controversial topic of "emotional cheating".
In this case, it's really about what you can handle emotionally. This relationship may indeed turn into love for real - but you have to be aware that until he is really comfortable with himself and with you, this pattern of behaviour may repeat. And this may not be something you want to deal with - repeated dealings could cause insecurities in you.
If you really like the guy, you could let him make his decision, but inform him of how it makes you feel as well. However, if the situation repeats - I would be very thoughtful about if I wanted to stay with him or not. Also, it provides an arena for paranoia to set in - (is that girl really his friend... or more?) If you feel like this is happening, I would say you need to take a step back and breathe a bit, and remember that as nice a guy may be, he is not worth your sanity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
In reply to: austan
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:57am
Greetings austan,
Bellina here! Well I've grown familiar with a similar situation when I was younger,now nearly 40 and let my mind decide before my heart does,sometimes. I agree somewhat with
renna,in that he may have true feelings for you and craving security in your returned emottions receptive to amour! Meanwhile,he needs to decide just what he intends to do about the other gal.If he's still undecided within near future and can't fathom being exclusive,there may be heartbreak for you.You may distance yourself,despite wanting to win him back.Let him miss you,and if he truly does love your qualities,affections and claims there's noone like you,this will be in your favor.I tried all too hard with my past love Peter,in Britain to win his heart,despite him seeing a long lostschoolmate.This was inbetween our being together for several months,dating several times weekly! I'd love to cook gourmet meals,would even bring them to him with formalities,lenox china,lace napkins,candles,etc..and me.He'd always be very appreciative in affections with lots of kisses,cuddling,loved to dance and even serenade me,he had a lovely voice(sort of like Michael Buble,or Harry Connick).Turned out on the days or evenings that we didn't spend together,claiming to work long hours on reports(writer for art/fashion magazine,he was seeing his schoolgal and even on trips to France and Germany.Discovered this when seeing them in a local cafe/restaurant,holding hands! This was the last straw as he said they're just catching up on old schooltimes(later admitted this was more,we ended and I was crushed!Luv,please don't be too accomodating and discuss your feelings,reegarding the other gal.If hurts do let him know you can't be second choice or her equal,just be subtle,discuss calmly over lunch/coffees.It's better to know now before you end up devastated, with a broken heart and supporting the kleenex company!Bestt wishes,Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: austan
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:59am

Love cannot be forced
it is sent from Heaven
unasked and unsought

I truely believe this quote. You have said to him how YOU feel about him so don't beat yourself up on how to make him pick you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: austan
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:38am

Thank you so much!!! That actually makes a lot of sense!

His last girlfriend broke it off after they were engaged and from what I can work out it did affect him quite a bit. I'm the first girl he's been involved with since the break-up. I know that probably sounds like all talk he'd say just to get what he wanted but he was a lot more cautious that I was going into it at first.

As far as dating the other girl too, I understand what you're saying and that does make sense cos things had been a little tense on occassion and I'm an extremely independent person always jetting off all over the place. I broke down today and told him I cant keep it together over this without knowing whats going on. I told him he was making me feel like the whole thing between us wasnt real and he deceived me but he was "Babe, everything was real, every little bit of it. I just dont know what to do."

Thank you so much for your advice, its actually made me feel a bit better and given me something to think about. I'm going to let it settle a bit for a few days but I think it might be worth suggesting a few of the issues you suggested. Who knows, maybe he hasnt thought of them either. Thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: austan
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:41am
Thank you! I took your suggestions on board and we had a nice dinner and just watched a dvd without discussing or bringing it all back up again. Cross your fingers for me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
In reply to: austan
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:12am
seve2002,
Bellina here!You've really misread my last post in advice to Austan,and think your quote
is true.However,Austan has cheered me,not jeered me luv in my friendly suggestions with her guyfriend! I've been always polite to all gals/fellows on this website,but you're not comprehending the message I conveyed to Austan.Guess I'll never give you any type advice,which is only meant to help,not put down or be judgemental towards ones person!As far as my prior luv Peter,from 10 many moons ago,in another country,he pursued me quite ardently for months before he rekindled his schoolmate friend affair,and we simply weren't right for each other. I can truly see this now,being less vulnerable and valuing my own needs in a relationship,as well as my partners.As far as my selfesteem,I never emottionally beat myself up as you've so stated!.I have only learned not to select the don juan demarco types any longer,but more quiet,sensitive,goodhearted men..I'm puzzled and wonder why you're on this type board for advice in love/relationships,if you'res seem so ideal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
In reply to: austan
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:44am
Cheers austan!
Bellina sends greetings!Thank you for making me feel warmth in accepting my friendly advice! I'm so glad for your meeting him, and you'll have a sense of comfort in
knowing you've both cleared the air on the two of you!It gives me wonderful hope and happiness to help someone like yourself in matters of the heart in hopes for both friendship and love connections!You seem very uplifted by spending quality time enjoying ones company over a nice movie at home.Tis far more intimate than viewing in a theater,you can chat without audience saying shush,cuddle and do whatever comes to mind in privacy of home surroundings!I'm presently with a fellow, we're great friends,chat for hours,never tiring of one anothers company,getting more romantic(dating for several months),but agreed to take things slow.We're both near 40 and a bit more cautious/reserved,being hurt by past relationships,and enjoy quiet times at home,dine out,dancing.No need for the wilder social club scene of my 20's in swinging England,and US when I danced the night into wee hours,with artsy people(all very oddbirds,playboys,Bowie types and not relationship material).Now there's cooler romantic music,like Harry Connick,Celine Dion,Cher,etc..to slow dance to..far better..especially with P who's passion is music and candlelight!..Hope things go well for you too! Best wishes,Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: austan
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:12am
My reply was to AUSTAN, not you BELLINA and I didn't respond to Austans dilema by reading your advice to her first. I didn't know a few of you had been given to right to critique advice given to others. I thought this was a way for people to hear others perspectives so they might find a hint of light in a wolrd of not so perfect relationships. As for anyone else who reads this message to BELLINA please take it with a grain of salt. When I submitted my brief story of my unhappily ended relationship the last thing on my mind was to critisize the ones giving me what they feel to be words of comfort, wisdom, and some understanding of what I am going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: austan
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 2:06pm

Hello, I dont know what's going on here between Bellina and Seve, I think I must have missed a post or something, but I just came on here to ask advice and I appreciate all of your opinions, thank you!

Everything is still at a standstill with my man & I. I spoke to him yesterday and said I cant go on not knowing whats going on and he said he didnt know. I said to him if he didnt want me then he just needed to say so because he wasnt being fair. He said its not that at all.

So what's the next step??? Just leave him alone and hope that he makes contact with me?? And if he doesnt???

He tried to ring me 3 times at 1.30 this morning but obviously I didnt answer, what can be achieved at that hour.

I understand I cant make anyone do something they dont want to do but what upsets me most is the hanging on. If he wants to finish it all together then it needs to be a clean break, none of this "I dont know what to do" BS (on his part that is!).

It was also suggested by someone else that perhaps I looked after him too well, hence the lack of challenge. More like he had the security of knowing he had someone there leaving him to go and pursue something else knowing he had a back up if that didnt work out. I think this certainly has an element of truth in it as well. I know I could possibly turn the tables on this, assuming he still keeps me dangling, but to me thats just playing games and thats something I dont do. Yes I know I know, I can hear you saying "He's playing games with you my doing that" but by me doing it too doesnt make it right or solve the problem.

Anyway, I appreciate all your help and continue to look forward to your posts. Thank you.

Pages