getting serious and scared....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
getting serious and scared....
4
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:08pm
I am dating someone.....and there are NO problems in the relationship which is on its 6 or 9th month (depending on how you look at it...met on match.com and talked for 3 months before meeting).....anyways.....he has had only ONE relationship and has only sexually been with ONE person.....thats fine...but it ended 5 months prior to us getting together. We love each other and he wants to marry me....but I fear he is not experienced enough...NOTHING makes me feel this way (meaning how he treats me)...but I worry because he has not been with many women and he also was really hurt by his ex that maybe I could be a rebound and he does not even realize it........I really could use some advice on what to do moving forward...marriage is a BIG thing....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:34pm
Listen to your gut instincts and don't disregard your doubts. Where's the fire? After only knowing him in person for 6 months (I don't think you can get to know a real person online so I don't count that part) I don't blame you for not being ready to walk down the aisle. Personally I wouldn't even be talking about it at that point (and it could very well be a red flag if he is). Give this time to find the answers to the questions you are wondering about. Time usually shows you all you need to know and marriage is not something to rush into.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:12pm

Well, I agree with most of what the previous poster said, but I disagree with the idea that you cannot get to know any real person online. Especially with Match.com. That's also how I met my DBF, and our first meeting in person was awesome--it was like we had already been friends for forever from all of the stuff we had talked about. Of course, our relationship went quickly from online ot on the phone before we ever met, and if that's what happened with yours, then you very well could have gotten to know each other fairly well. I think that sometimes when meeting people online, especially through a place like Match, you are both given the opportunity to be so much more honest and open with yourselves right off the bat. That has always been my experience with online dating.

As far as you being the rebound, there is no real way to know. I started dating a guy through Match 6 months after he and his wife of 10 years separated and a month before the divorce was finalized. We had so much in common and he honestly became one of the best friends that I have ever had--we talked about everything. However, from the time of our second date, I had this feeling that if I got seriously involved with him, he might leave me for his ex. I never stopped dating other men, and I am glad I didn't, because after a month of real live dating he went to his divorce hearing and he and his wife started talks about putting the marriage back together...my feeling had been right.

Now, with sexual relationships/experience, it doesn't really matter. You didn't mention your age, but it doesn't sound all that unusual. My current BF is 32 and was only with 2 women before we started dating--he hadn't been with anyone for 3 years and I was so worried that he would regret being with me, but we are going strong to this day. One of my best friends has a 4 year old son and just married her BF of 3 1/2 years not too long ago. She is the only person he has ever been with. Surprisingly, a lot of guys take sex a lot more serious than many of us women realize.

How old are the two of you? What is your gut feeling about this situation? Do you have a gut feeling that he doesn't really want to be with you, or is it just "normal" relationship insecurities? With my current BF I have some insecurities that he may wake up and realize one day that he doesn't want to be with me--his last GF was 8 years older than he and I am 10 years younger--but he gives me no reason to worry about this; in fact, he tells me how awesome I am and how glad he is that I found him on Match. Has your BF said or done anyhing to worry you?


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 8:39am

I do agree that the match.com is an important part of our dating process. Many serious life questions were asked and answered......and I did really get to know him as a person...but I am not sure I count it either in our dating time frame.

We are both 28 and I am 2 weeks older LOL. There are NO red flags....he does not talk to his ex and I feel he would never go back to her. He never even brings her up.....which does not mean much.....he is an introvert. There are no real red flags.....just that he could not possibly get over someone that quickly...I just don't feel it is possible getting over your first love in 5 months.....it took me nearly 3 years to get over mine. I think this could just be a normal relationship insecurity.

I don't know about talking about marriage. I never have with anyone prior so this is new territory to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:22am

I don't really know about talking about marriage either, because I've never really gone into that realm, but I do have some friends with experience in that. I have one good friend who knew her BF for a couple of years. They grew to be very good friends and he ended up dumping his fiancee one month and started dating my friend the next. They moved in together about 4 months later and were engaged 2 months later. That was five years ago. They just got married last October, and are doing great. I have another good friend that had a baby with the boyfriend she was living with. He was her first love, but he was never there for her emotionally and was very irresponsible and unreliable. A guy she had worked with always came by and checked on her and hung our with her and the baby because she couldn't get out much during the winter (her son was a preemie). They spent time together and within 5 months were living together. They just got married in September and have been together for 5 years.

Both of these people jumped into relationships either a)right after they got out of a bad one or b)right after their SO got out of a bad one. Neither one had "rebound" relationships in between. There is nothing that can determine how long a person needs to heal. It is likely your BF is still healing from his previous relationship. He more than likely needs a friendly ear there, and you are providing this. As time goes by and the two of you continue to get to know one another and become closer friends, he will likely be over his last relationship without even thinking about it. Yes, maybe he went out looking to get some or just have someone to talk to, but you two obviously clicked well or wouldn't have made it to this point.

He maybe a little quick already talking about marriage, but as with the story of my friend, they moved quickly to engagement at HIS doing, and it has worked out fine. If you are comfortable with an engagement, then discuss this with your SO and also let it be known that you don't want to rush a marriage. Tell him that you are willing to commit to him on a deeper level, but that you feel like you are not quite at the point where you and your relationship are ready for the strains of marriage.

Oh yeah, I don't count the time my SO and I were "talking" through Match as part of our dating time frame either.


 


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