The girlfriend, the boyfriend and the ex
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 1:21pm |
The duration of my boyfriend and his ex's relationship was horrible and ended badly as well. She cheated on him several times, used him for his money and his connections.. she basically treated him like garbage. When their relationship ended neither of them talked to each other, nor did they want to. After about a month into our relationship with my boyfriend, his ex-girlfriend found out about me, and that her ex-boyfriend had a new girlfriend (myself), all of the sudden she became interested in him again. She continously called/calls, and gets him to come by and see her before/after work. He feels bad for her because she is such a basketcase and in so much financial/emotional difficulty. It's coming to the point where I'm getting fed up with her trying to butt into our relationship just because she's jealous that he has a girlfriend now.
I keep getting into arguments with my boyfriend about her because it seems like he always has to go see her when she calls and wants to see him. I told him that she's just trying to cause problems for us, reason being that she's always questioning why he's with me because of our age difference, that I'm a snotty bitch, ugly and way too fat. I don't have a problem with him seeing her, but the problem arose when I asked my boyfriend to come see me after he was finished work, he told me he was too tired.. but later on I found out that he had gone to see his ex-girlfriend after work. I got angry and questioned why he would do that to me. He proclaimed that I am paranoid, over-reacting and acting completely stupid for no reason and that I should just leave it alone, and learn to live with the fact that he wants to remain friends with his ex. I told him if she was really a friend, she would be saying nice things about me and be happy for him, not try to cause problems.
I'm not trying to force him to stop seeing his ex, I just want him to see from my perspective. I don't appreciate her saying nasty things about me to him and his friends/co-workers. I do trust him, the whole point of this is that I don't trust HER to try and do something stupid to my boyfriend or myself.
Am I over-reacting? Should I back off? I've already tried telling his ex that if she wants to say something to me, to say it to my face. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! :)
Thanks.

Hi,
No I don't think you are overreacting and should back off. In fact I think you should tell him to tell her to back off. If he doesn't, give him an ultimatum, it's either her or you. I know men don't like ultimatums but you have nothing to lose here, if he says her well then you can stop wasting your time with him. I would not be happy that mine continue seeing an ex, especially when he is too tired to see you but not her. I wouldn't be so understanding. Listen, not to alarm you but I recently went to CA for my best friend's wedding and the day before the wedding he called it off because he was returning to the ex. It seems that she started pestering him when she found out he was getting married and he started spending more time with her because she was having difficulties. He difficulties were in his and my friends relationship that she successfully broke up. Don't take this lightly, call him on it. Good luck. Lucy
There are a lot of red flags. This guy is putting his x first, he's lying to you and he's telling you to get over yourself. They're involved in an unhealthy relationship and dragging you in the middle of things. Get rid of him.
In my opinion, you have to start placing emphasis and blame on him, his actions, not hers. It is always so much easier to blame the ex, or the person that is tempting, rather than the person that falls into temptation by their own choices and free will because we don't want to believe it is possible for our loved ones to do such a thing. You say you trust him, but I am not sure if you have me totally convinced. She isn't "getting him" to do anything he doesn't want to do -- he is making his own choices.
Obviously, those choices are somewhat disrespectful, and a bit shady, towards you. Sometimes it can be easier to rationalize actions for what they really are -- I think the raw truth is that those two aren't "done" with whatever dysfunctional patterns and addiction towards each other that they once had in the past....And, are you sure what he tells you in 100% true about her being a "nutcase" etc...? Sometimes it is good to be somewhat skeptical when people so easily throw those words and blame others and take no responsibilities for a failed relationship -- you have to wonder what it is about them that they are hiding.
Also, the fact that he lets her talk about you that way is alarming...
Why on earth would someone that loves, respects, and cares about your commitment and relationship with you let someone come in between that when you are obviously upset? Why would he want to be "friends" with someone who would put the love of his life down? Why would you want to be with a man that allows this lack of respect happen? Being friends with an ex is one thing, and acceptable if you are included in the relationship, or at least don't feel like this person is a threat because of them putting down.... but she is being unnecessarily rude towards you --
Does he enjoy the fact that two women are throwing attention his way? Something doesn't sit right about this guy... I would really look at this man's actions for what they are.. and there is no excuse for him lying to you, and choosing to see his ex over you. Don't minimize that... If he could sneakily and easily do that behind your back, who knows what else could go on by his own choice and will with her, or another woman. Something is not right here. The fact that he twisted and projected his own guilt on you by putting you down for your "own stupidity" kind of confirms those beliefs. Usually when people feel guilty within themselves, they project their own negative emotions/actions about themselves onto someone else to make themselves feel better.
The only real advice I could give you to bettering this relationship is to talk to him and tell him that you are seriously offended by this woman calling you names, etc, and that he is not only allowing it, but continues to be friends with her, and goes behind your back to do it. What compromise could be possibly made except for him to lose her as a friend? It doesn't even sound like a possibility to be included in this friendship and I don't see why you'd want to be. By the way, where is she getting all of this ammunition (put downs) from except possibly the source of encouragement (your bf)? This whole thing is unacceptable and I wouldn't tolerate it. This confrontation could probably lend to this guy being even sneakier about covering his tracks better... but, could it get any worse then this?
Sorry for being cynical about this, but, I say, you might feel you love him, but love yourself more, and lose him.
~~SD~~