Girlfriend vs my daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Girlfriend vs my daughter
5
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 1:40pm
I have a dilema, I have been in a divorce for the past 21 months and just finalized last week! My ex has moved 15 times in this time period and we share custody of my 12 year old daughter with near 50/50 placement. I have been seeing a girl that I have strong feelings for. My problem is my daughter does not like her for the fact that the girlfriend holds very stong morals and is very blunt to situations, cut and dry. Yes my daughter is somewhat spoiled but she is a very good kid and she knows what I expect etc. I live in a town other than my girlfriend. In order to keep 50/50 I must live in the same school dist as the ex and I wouldn't have it any other way as I am the one that assists my daughter with school work etc. Her grades have been slipping and I feel it is due to the unrest in her living situation (I have to sell the farm due to divorce) as I/we are not sure where we are going to call home and mom has rollers on all of her furniture. Anyway.... Girlfriend and I get into spats on issues with my daughter and some have been dilly's!! I try to talk things out with her but nothing is resolved.. my daughter does not want anything to do with her or her kids! What is a guy to do?? I feel the relationship is doomed at this point. Should I keep going on or end it now??? My daughter comes first and I feel girlfriend is jealous for the time we spend together since I can't be with her all my free moments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 11:35pm
You said it yourself--your daughter comes first. Period, end of story. Your daughter is your priority and anyone who gets involved with you needs to understand and accept that. I think you already have the answer to your question... Have one last talk with the gf and you'll know where to go from there. Good luck.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 11:19pm
It sounds to me like your child hasn't yet gotten over the divorce...and by you dating someone else, you're blowing her fantasies of you and mom getting together to smithereens. Kids will be kids. I think that no matter what, she's going to hate ANY woman that you are dating until she gets more acclimated to the notion that you're not getting back with mom. Contact the school and see about what support groups they offer on campus, what resources there are for her in your area. Consider enrolling her in a divorce class.

How long have you been dating this woman? How was the introduction done and how soon after you started to date? What are your spats about, exactly? Parenting? What sort of stuff are you arguing about? It doesn't sound good to me if you're both arguing to win instead of trying to resolve things (reading between the lines when you say they're dillies).

I think you're right about this woman not being a good fit for your family. You may have feelings for her, but do you really think that you're going to be able to live together in one household AND have a moment of peace between the two women? Or are you going to have a kid rebeling, rebeling, rebeling and leaving as soon as she can.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 9:12am
difficult one. my ex partner had three children and they were constantly ferried between one parent and another. It was a very unsettled time for them and to show this they did try to cause trouble to 'test the water'. After a time we sat them down and explained that their parents were not getting back together and even if their daddy wasn't dating me there was a possibility there would be someone else in the future etc. Things were difficult for a while but i think if this woman is going to be permanent in your life then everyone needs to find their 'middle ground'. You say you don't spend enough time with your new girlfriend because of you time with your daughter. It's very easy to do both, they could spend time with each other as well as yourself at the same time. Your probably feeling guilt at splitting with your daughters mother and maybe you are over compensating for this? The main thing you need to do is realise that although your daughter is a priority in your life, and always will be. You cannot put your own life on hold just in case your child doesn't like her fathers choice of girlfriend. what if you do split up with this woman? meet someone else, split with them cos of grief and arguements, same again and a cycle begins where your daughter has no stability in her life and stops getting attatched to people because she doesn't know if they are going to stick around. It's a difficult time for all concerned but your daughter knows you'll always be there for her. decide if you have a future with this woman, if so then they need to work at being friends. Your daughter already has a mother and a father so she doesn't need a replacement for either. good luck with your future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 9:45am
Sorry your girlfriend sounds immature and selfish. You make the rules pertaining to your daughter and your girlfriend should keep her nose out of it, unless you two are engaged then she doesn't have a say.

I'd end the relationship, the girlfriend sounds controlling and to be jealous of a child is immature. Whose the adult here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2000
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 10:40am
Maybe you should try sitting down with your girlfriend and daughter one day and discuss what their problems are with the situation...give everyone a chance to talk and speak their mind without anyone interupting.
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