Give it a chance or end it now?
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|Tue, 04-30-2013 - 7:40pm|
Hi there! So I have a dating situation that I'd love to get some objective advice about. My friends are probably sick of hearing about it and just tell me what I want to hear. I've been "single" for almost 2 years. I use quotations because I've dated a lot and had 4-5 month relationships in the past 2 years but nothing really serious like I had with my ex (live-in) boyfriend of 2.5 years. Prior to my last serious relationship I was a serial monogomist. The past 2 years have been challenging because people can't seem to commit and date multiple people and don't ever really get serious. Whenever my relationships turned into relationships the guy would tell me he wasn't ready for anything serious. So I decided to take a break, focus on myself, spend time with my friends and try to be more selective about the next guy I went out with. I met someone, who said he wanted to settle down and get married in the near future. He asked me out and we began a whirlwind romance. I got really caught up in the high of it all and made some critical mistakes. I slept with him right away and when we realized we had an intence sexual compatability and connection, our physical relationship became pretty intense. We saw each other every single day. We chatted throughout the day and spent the night together nearly every night. It was all raindows and lollipops until I asked him to come to a party with my friends. We'd spent most of our time holed up in his love nest, making dinner, watching movies in bed and having sex. I wanted to take our relationship out into the real world to see if it really had potential. I believe you really get to know someone by experiencing a variety of things together and if he was really interested in getting to know me, he would want to meet my friends. He knows they're important to me and I would think he'd want to get to know them. He totally clammed up and said he preferred to get to know me one on one without outside distractions and wants to make sure we're going to work out before getting involved in each other's outside lives. He then asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. I thought he was PROPOSING it, as in offering it, and I said I was open to it since we were sleeping together and had a good thing going. I'd give it a chance. I thought things were great. We went to bed, had sex and then as we were lying there he asked me what he should do about this girl he had gone on a date with right before he met me. She was texting him and asking him out. He said he wasn't really into her, but hadn't had a horrible time. He said he was trying to do things he wouldn't normally do--which is why he went out with me in the first place. He usually dates really young, train wreck type girls and wanted to date me because I have my life together and am strong. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I said, you want to go out with this girl? And he said, I don't know why not? How do you feel about that? Of course I got very upset ... given that we were in bed together. I said he could do whatever he wanted but I might not be around anymore if he did. He said going out with anyone else didn't have anything to do with how much he likes me and all of the qualities he loves about me. I was like the hell it doesn't. He told me everything was fine and I should relax. We went to sleep but in the morning he was super weird and didn't make me breakfast like he was doing every morning. Then I didn't hear from him until 10 pm that night. Just a text saying goodnight. The next day he sent me an email saying he wasn't ready to be in a committment relationship with one person just yet. That he doesn't want to have sex with anyone else or date a bunch of people and that he does like me. He's just not ready for a full-blown relationship (which is NOT something I asked him for). He said let me know if this is okay with you. I called him but was going into a meeting and said I was busy but wanted to talk. He said okay, call me after your meeting and we can get together to talk. I did and he didn't answer. I was in his part of town and waited for 15 minutes for him to call back and he didn't. As I was driving home a friend called and asked me to go to dinner. While I was at dinner, he called. I didn't answer. He sent a text saying to call or just come over. I didn't respond. Then he sent a text with an inside joke. I called him back at 10:30. He questioned me about where I was. I said I was tired and going to bed. He asked to see me the next night. He picked me up and gave me a hug and a kiss. Complimented my blouse and told me I looked sexy. He had only taken me out once before to a restaurant. I was really tense. He INSISTED that we talk like "adults" even though I told him we hadn't been dating long enough to be having these deep discussions and should just enjoy each other's company. But he insisted. I told him that I hadn't asked him for a relationship but I did wonder why after all of the time we'd spent together and having sex that he all of a sudden wants to date someone else. He said there is no one else, he just wants to be able to do what he wants and if he happens to go on a date, I shouldn't take it personally. He just wants to be able to "compare and contrast" different people. Gee thanks. I told him he was free to do what he thought was the right thing to do. I did criticize him for his lack of contact with me over the past few days. He got quiet and said he was uncomfortable. He said he didn't want me to feel sad and that he doesn't want to lose me either and he needed to sleep on it all. He said he was open to this becoming a relationship but wants it to "just happen." I asked what that meant and he said he didn't know. He took me home and gave me a nice kiss goodnight. Then the next day ... radio silence. Same thing on Saturday. I did know he had family stuff going on Friday and Saturday. He briefly texted about getting together on Sunday, as we already had plans. On Sunday I went over to his place and he fixed a dent in my car. He had bought paint and everything for it. Then we went to lunch and he took me on his motorcycle. After that he brought me to his neighbor's place and we had a drink. I would say he was distant. One thing to note is that he told me he got into a huge bar fight at his friend's engagement/birthday party and felt really ashamed of his actions and like he ruined her special day and everyone thought less of him. I had asked him if he was hurt in the fight and he said he was emotionally hurt. So that may explain the distance. Also, when we were alone while he was fixing my car, I asked him to talk to me (just conversationally, not about US) and he said, "I'm afraid to say anything to you, I always seem to upset you lately". I said I didn't want him to feel that way and I was sorry I was so critical but that my feelings had been hurt, I felt afraid and that I may have been projecting things from past relationships onto the present. I told him I wasn't mad at him and I was okay with taking things slow. That was best for me too and that I'd like to get to know him better. He then said, I want to hang out with you too and see where things go as long as there aren't obligations. I let it go at that but I still have lots of questions and don't want to continue sleeping with him if he's seeing other people. I didn't hear from him yesterday at all. I broke my rule and IMd him in the evening (when we used to hang out) and asked if we were still getting together tonight. He said, I will have to let you know in the morning. He used a smiley and we exchanged some small talk. This morning he was true to his word and contacted me but said he couldn't get together and asked if I was free tomorrow night. He said he wanted to put a clear coat on my car. I said sure, that's fine ... are we hanging out too? And he said, yes we can do that. I said, "Ok. Thanks for letting me know about tonight. I appreciate it. Have a good rest of your day". I was very disappointed but didn't tell him. So I'm assuming our convo is over and he responds with "You too!!!!! :)" And then "Make sure you eat lunch" (because I have a habit of not eating). And he kept the conversation going, talking about food lol. I said I had to go. This last exchange is more like what it was like before so I'm wondering if he's coming out of his cave (that I know I helped push him into) or what. I'm really, really confused. He told me last week at our dinner that he might just be scared of getting hurt again and realized we were getting closer. I think he may view relationships as traps where you have no freedom. Of course I called him out on blowing me off for two days and he said he hates that kind of guilt tripping. I regret coming across so needy. I'm really not. Anyway, I feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm ignoring warning signs or making too big of a deal out of the whole thing. Does it sound like he's still interested? Do guys spend three weeks straight with a girl and then decide to date other people and come back to the one girl? I sort of feel like he really does want to get married soon (he has said so) and wants to be absolutley sure he's choosing the right person. All of it is so confusing because he has talked about serious things like marriage and children and then acts like I'm the one pushing for a commitment. Should I stay the faith or run for the hills? I don't want to keep investing energy in someone who's lost interest. But if he'd lost interest, he would have blown me off altogether right? He wouldn't fix my car and continue to spend time with me? I haven't slept with him in over a week either, so I know it's not just for sex.