Give it a chance or end it now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Give it a chance or end it now?
5
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 7:40pm

Hi there! So I have a dating situation that I'd love to get some objective advice about. My friends are probably sick of hearing about it and just tell me what I want to hear. I've been "single" for almost 2 years. I use quotations because I've dated a lot and had 4-5 month relationships in the past 2 years but nothing really serious like I had with my ex (live-in) boyfriend of 2.5 years. Prior to my last serious relationship I was a serial monogomist. The past 2 years have been challenging because people can't seem to commit and date multiple people and don't ever really get serious. Whenever my relationships turned into relationships the guy would tell me he wasn't ready for anything serious. So I decided to take a break, focus on myself, spend time with my friends and try to be more selective about the next guy I went out with. I met someone, who said he wanted to settle down and get married in the near future. He asked me out and we began a whirlwind romance. I got really caught up in the high of it all and made some critical mistakes. I slept with him right away and when we realized we had an intence sexual compatability and connection, our physical relationship became pretty intense. We saw each other every single day. We chatted throughout the day and spent the night together nearly every night. It was all raindows and lollipops until I asked him to come to a party with my friends. We'd spent most of our time holed up in his love nest, making dinner, watching movies in bed and having sex. I wanted to take our relationship out into the real world to see if it really had potential. I believe you really get to know someone by experiencing a variety of things together and if he was really interested in getting to know me, he would want to meet my friends. He knows they're important to me and I would think he'd want to get to know them. He totally clammed up and said he preferred to get to know me one on one without outside distractions and wants to make sure we're going to work out before getting involved in each other's outside lives. He then asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. I thought he was PROPOSING it, as in offering it, and I said I was open to it since we were sleeping together and had a good thing going. I'd give it a chance. I thought things were great. We went to bed, had sex and then as we were lying there he asked me what he should do about this girl he had gone on a date with right before he met me. She was texting him and asking him out. He said he wasn't really into her, but hadn't had a horrible time. He said he was trying to do things he wouldn't normally do--which is why he went out with me in the first place. He usually dates really young, train wreck type girls and wanted to date me because I have my life together and am strong. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I said, you want to go out with this girl? And he said, I don't know why not? How do you feel about that? Of course I got very upset ... given that we were in bed together. I said he could do whatever he wanted but I might not be around anymore if he did. He said going out with anyone else didn't have anything to do with how much he likes me and all of the qualities he loves about me. I was like the hell it doesn't. He told me everything was fine and I should relax. We went to sleep but in the morning he was super weird and didn't make me breakfast like he was doing every morning. Then I didn't hear from him until 10 pm that night. Just a text saying goodnight. The next day he sent me an email saying he wasn't ready to be in a committment relationship with one person just yet. That he doesn't want to have sex with anyone else or date a bunch of people and that he does like me. He's just not ready for a full-blown relationship (which is NOT something I asked him for). He said let me know if this is okay with you. I called him but was going into a meeting and said I was busy but wanted to talk. He said okay, call me after your meeting and we can get together to talk. I did and he didn't answer. I was in his part of town and waited for 15 minutes for him to call back and he didn't. As I was driving home a friend called and asked me to go to dinner. While I was at dinner, he called. I didn't answer. He sent a text saying to call or just come over. I didn't respond. Then he sent a text with an inside joke. I called him back at 10:30. He questioned me about where I was. I said I was tired and going to bed. He asked to see me the next night. He picked me up and gave me a hug and a kiss. Complimented my blouse and told me I looked sexy. He had only taken me out once before to a restaurant. I was really tense. He INSISTED that we talk like "adults" even though I told him we hadn't been dating long enough to be having these deep discussions and should just enjoy each other's company. But he insisted. I told him that I hadn't asked him for a relationship but I did wonder why after all of the time we'd spent together and having sex that he all of a sudden wants to date someone else. He said there is no one else, he just wants to be able to do what he wants and if he happens to go on a date, I shouldn't take it personally. He just wants to be able to "compare and contrast" different people. Gee thanks. I told him he was free to do what he thought was the right thing to do. I did criticize him for his lack of contact with me over the past few days. He got quiet and said he was uncomfortable. He said he didn't want me to feel sad and that he doesn't want to lose me either and he needed to sleep on it all. He said he was open to this becoming a relationship but wants it to "just happen." I asked what that meant and he said he didn't know. He took me home and gave me a nice kiss goodnight. Then the next day ... radio silence. Same thing on Saturday. I did know he had family stuff going on Friday and Saturday. He briefly texted about getting together on Sunday, as we already had plans. On Sunday I went over to his place and he fixed a dent in my car. He had bought paint and everything for it. Then we went to lunch and he took me on his motorcycle. After that he brought me to his neighbor's place and we had a drink. I would say he was distant. One thing to note is that he told me he got into a huge bar fight at his friend's engagement/birthday party and felt really ashamed of his actions and like he ruined her special day and everyone thought less of him. I had asked him if he was hurt in the fight and he said he was emotionally hurt. So that may explain the distance. Also, when we were alone while he was fixing my car, I asked him to talk to me (just conversationally, not about US) and he said, "I'm afraid to say anything to you, I always seem to upset you lately". I said I didn't want him to feel that way and I was sorry I was so critical but that my feelings had been hurt, I felt afraid and that I may have been projecting things from past relationships onto the present. I told him I wasn't mad at him and I was okay with taking things slow. That was best for me too and that I'd like to get to know him better. He then said, I want to hang out with you too and see where things go as long as there aren't obligations. I let it go at that but I still have lots of questions and don't want to continue sleeping with him if he's seeing other people. I didn't hear from him yesterday at all. I broke my rule and IMd him in the evening (when we used to hang out) and asked if we were still getting together tonight. He said, I will have to let you know in the morning. He used a smiley and we exchanged some small talk. This morning he was true to his word and contacted me but said he couldn't get together and asked if I was free tomorrow night. He said he wanted to put a clear coat on my car. I said sure, that's fine ... are we hanging out too? And he said, yes we can do that. I said, "Ok. Thanks for letting me know about tonight. I appreciate it. Have a good rest of your day". I was very disappointed but didn't tell him. So I'm assuming our convo is over and he responds with "You too!!!!! :)" And then "Make sure you eat lunch" (because I have a habit of not eating). And he kept the conversation going, talking about food lol. I said I had to go. This last exchange is more like what it was like before so I'm wondering if he's coming out of his cave (that I know I helped push him into) or what. I'm really, really confused. He told me last week at our dinner that he might just be scared of getting hurt again and realized we were getting closer. I think he may view relationships as traps where you have no freedom. Of course I called him out on blowing me off for two days and he said he hates that kind of guilt tripping. I regret coming across so needy. I'm really not. Anyway, I feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm ignoring warning signs or making too big of a deal out of the whole thing. Does it sound like he's still interested? Do guys spend three weeks straight with a girl and then decide to date other people and come back to the one girl? I sort of feel like he really does want to get married soon (he has said so) and wants to be absolutley sure he's choosing the right person. All of it is so confusing because he has talked about serious things like marriage and children and then acts like I'm the one pushing for a commitment. Should I stay the faith or run for the hills? I don't want to keep investing energy in someone who's lost interest. But if he'd lost interest, he would have blown me off altogether right? He wouldn't fix my car and continue to spend time with me? I haven't slept with him in over a week either, so I know it's not just for sex. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 10:43pm

I think this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too.  I would be extremely offended by him mentioning he wants to have the option to date other people; would show him the door so he has the opportunity to do so; and would tell him not to come back until he knows for sure he wants a relationship with you.  And don't demean yourself by being afraid to tell him you want a relationship -- that is what you want, you know it, and you deserve it.  This guy does not deserve to be in your bed and in and out of your life at his whim, with no responsiblity or obligation to you and your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 10:52pm

I think this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too.  I would be extremely offended by him mentioning he wants to have the option to date other people; would show him the door so he has the opportunity to do so; and would tell him not to come back until he knows for sure he wants a relationship with you.  And don't demean yourself by being afraid to tell him you want a relationship -- that is what you want, you know it, and you deserve it.  This guy does not deserve to be in your bed and in and out of your life at his whim, with no responsiblity or obligation to you and your feelings.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 05-01-2013 - 9:05am

shortcake76 wrote:
<p>Hi there! So I have a dating situation that I'd love to get some objective advice about. My friends are probably sick of hearing about it and just tell me what I want to hear. I've been "single" for almost 2 years. I use quotations because I've dated a lot and had 4-5 month relationships in the past 2 years but nothing really serious like I had with my ex (live-in) boyfriend of 2.5 years. Prior to my last serious relationship I was a serial monogomist. The past 2 years have been challenging because people can't seem to commit and date multiple people and don't ever really get serious. Whenever my relationships turned into relationships the guy would tell me he wasn't ready for anything serious. So I decided to take a break, focus on myself, spend time with my friends and try to be more selective about the next guy I went out with. I met someone, who said he wanted to settle down and get married in the near future. He asked me out and we began a whirlwind romance. I got really caught up in the high of it all and made some critical mistakes. I slept with him right away and when we realized we had an intence sexual compatability and connection, our physical relationship became pretty intense. We saw each other every single day. We chatted throughout the day and spent the night together nearly every night. It was all raindows and lollipops until I asked him to come to a party with my friends. We'd spent most of our time holed up in his love nest, making dinner, watching movies in bed and having sex. I wanted to take our relationship out into the real world to see if it really had potential. I believe you really get to know someone by experiencing a variety of things together and if he was really interested in getting to know me, he would want to meet my friends. He knows they're important to me and I would think he'd want to get to know them. He totally clammed up and said he preferred to get to know me one on one without outside distractions and wants to make sure we're going to work out before getting involved in each other's outside lives. He then asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. I thought he was PROPOSING it, as in offering it, and I said I was open to it since we were sleeping together and had a good thing going. I'd give it a chance. I thought things were great. We went to bed, had sex and then as we were lying there he asked me what he should do about this girl he had gone on a date with right before he met me. She was texting him and asking him out. He said he wasn't really into her, but hadn't had a horrible time. He said he was trying to do things he wouldn't normally do--which is why he went out with me in the first place. He usually dates really young, train wreck type girls and wanted to date me because I have my life together and am strong. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I said, you want to go out with this girl? And he said, I don't know why not? How do you feel about that? Of course I got very upset ... given that we were in bed together. I said he could do whatever he wanted but I might not be around anymore if he did. He said going out with anyone else didn't have anything to do with how much he likes me and all of the qualities he loves about me. I was like the hell it doesn't. He told me everything was fine and I should relax. We went to sleep but in the morning he was super weird and didn't make me breakfast like he was doing every morning. Then I didn't hear from him until 10 pm that night. Just a text saying goodnight. The next day he sent me an email saying he wasn't ready to be in a committment relationship with one person just yet. That he doesn't want to have sex with anyone else or date a bunch of people and that he does like me. He's just not ready for a full-blown relationship (which is NOT something I asked him for). He said let me know if this is okay with you. I called him but was going into a meeting and said I was busy but wanted to talk. He said okay, call me after your meeting and we can get together to talk. I did and he didn't answer. I was in his part of town and waited for 15 minutes for him to call back and he didn't. As I was driving home a friend called and asked me to go to dinner. While I was at dinner, he called. I didn't answer. He sent a text saying to call or just come over. I didn't respond. Then he sent a text with an inside joke. I called him back at 10:30. He questioned me about where I was. I said I was tired and going to bed. He asked to see me the next night. He picked me up and gave me a hug and a kiss. Complimented my blouse and told me I looked sexy. He had only taken me out once before to a restaurant. I was really tense. He INSISTED that we talk like "adults" even though I told him we hadn't been dating long enough to be having these deep discussions and should just enjoy each other's company. But he insisted. I told him that I hadn't asked him for a relationship but I did wonder why after all of the time we'd spent together and having sex that he all of a sudden wants to date someone else. He said there is no one else, he just wants to be able to do what he wants and if he happens to go on a date, I shouldn't take it personally. He just wants to be able to "compare and contrast" different people. Gee thanks. I told him he was free to do what he thought was the right thing to do. I did criticize him for his lack of contact with me over the past few days. He got quiet and said he was uncomfortable. He said he didn't want me to feel sad and that he doesn't want to lose me either and he needed to sleep on it all. He said he was open to this becoming a relationship but wants it to "just happen." I asked what that meant and he said he didn't know. He took me home and gave me a nice kiss goodnight. Then the next day ... radio silence. Same thing on Saturday. I did know he had family stuff going on Friday and Saturday. He briefly texted about getting together on Sunday, as we already had plans. On Sunday I went over to his place and he fixed a dent in my car. He had bought paint and everything for it. Then we went to lunch and he took me on his motorcycle. After that he brought me to his neighbor's place and we had a drink. I would say he was distant. One thing to note is that he told me he got into a huge bar fight at his friend's engagement/birthday party and felt really ashamed of his actions and like he ruined her special day and everyone thought less of him. I had asked him if he was hurt in the fight and he said he was emotionally hurt. So that may explain the distance. Also, when we were alone while he was fixing my car, I asked him to talk to me (just conversationally, not about US) and he said, "I'm afraid to say anything to you, I always seem to upset you lately". I said I didn't want him to feel that way and I was sorry I was so critical but that my feelings had been hurt, I felt afraid and that I may have been projecting things from past relationships onto the present. I told him I wasn't mad at him and I was okay with taking things slow. That was best for me too and that I'd like to get to know him better. He then said, I want to hang out with you too and see where things go as long as there aren't obligations. I let it go at that but I still have lots of questions and don't want to continue sleeping with him if he's seeing other people. I didn't hear from him yesterday at all. I broke my rule and IMd him in the evening (when we used to hang out) and asked if we were still getting together tonight. He said, I will have to let you know in the morning. He used a smiley and we exchanged some small talk. This morning he was true to his word and contacted me but said he couldn't get together and asked if I was free tomorrow night. He said he wanted to put a clear coat on my car. I said sure, that's fine ... are we hanging out too? And he said, yes we can do that. I said, "Ok. Thanks for letting me know about tonight. I appreciate it. Have a good rest of your day". I was very disappointed but didn't tell him. So I'm assuming our convo is over and he responds with "You too!!!!! :)" And then "Make sure you eat lunch" (because I have a habit of not eating). And he kept the conversation going, talking about food lol. I said I had to go. This last exchange is more like what it was like before so I'm wondering if he's coming out of his cave (that I know I helped push him into) or what. I'm really, really confused. He told me last week at our dinner that he might just be scared of getting hurt again and realized we were getting closer. I think he may view relationships as traps where you have no freedom. Of course I called him out on blowing me off for two days and he said he hates that kind of guilt tripping. I regret coming across so needy. I'm really not. Anyway, I feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm ignoring warning signs or making too big of a deal out of the whole thing. Does it sound like he's still interested? Do guys spend three weeks straight with a girl and then decide to date other people and come back to the one girl? I sort of feel like he really does want to get married soon (he has said so) and wants to be absolutley sure he's choosing the right person. All of it is so confusing because he has talked about serious things like marriage and children and then acts like I'm the one pushing for a commitment. Should I stay the faith or run for the hills? I don't want to keep investing energy in someone who's lost interest. But if he'd lost interest, he would have blown me off altogether right? He wouldn't fix my car and continue to spend time with me? I haven't slept with him in over a week either, so I know it's not just for sex. </p>

This guy has straight up let you know that he wants to date others while seeing you.  Instead of you walling yourself off from others, you need to keep dating, too, until such a time where he determines that he doesn't want to date other women and wants to see/be with only you.  If at that time you feel the same for yourself, then that is when you stop dating other men and enter into exclusivity with him.  His definition of dating is not your definition of dating; nor does it have to be. He is entitled to his interpretation and to proceed in his life the way in which he chooses, as are you. You are under no obligation to give him exclusivity if he isn't interested in giving you the same.

If this doesn't work for you, then you're with the wrong guy and you need to either really stop dating men, definitely stop sleeping too quickly with men with whom you want much more or date men for the purpose of meeting new people.

when a guy tells you he doesn't want the obligation of a full blown relationship, then all you're going to have with them is a casual dating thing, perhaps a FWB. That's it.  He's going to date others despite what you think or what your definition of dating is. Don't make more out of it than what it is.  That's how you're confusing yourself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Wed, 05-01-2013 - 1:35pm

Thanks to those who answers. I know my story was really long. Clearly I'm an overthinker. So today he put his status on IM to busy (never done that before that I've seen) and sent me an EMAIL saying he had to cancel tonight. His week is "super hectic" (am I really that stupid?) and could we reschedule for Saturday. I called him and said could he be honest with me (I used a soft tone). Were things over between us? He said no, they aren't at all. He just has an appt. tonight and tomorrow night and is babysitting for his sister on Friday (I know that part is true). I said, well I have plans on Saturday so that doesn't work. Then he said, okay come over tonight at 7. Just like that. This guy needs to figure his sh*t out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-01-2013 - 7:00pm

I don't know if I would give this guy another chance.  I'm not going to judge you for having sex with the guy too soon--sometimes it works out & sometimes it doesn't.  I've been married twice & both times I had sex with the guy really soon but it was also like instant relationship and not dating other people.  I'd find it difficult to rationalize casual dating and being able to date others while continuing to have a sexual relationship.  For me, the only way to not get that attached & keep things casual at this point is probably not to have sex until someone agrees that we are exclusive, not necessarily serious because you don't always know that.  I think it's a stupid comment on his part to say that going out with other women doesn't have anything to do with how he feels about you.  It doesn't?  I'd think that if you really found someone that you liked a lot & wanted to be with and had great qualities, etc. then you really wouldn't want to date others cause they would be a poor 2nd choice.

I do think a mistake here is that you said that you didn't go on dates but basically just were hanging around the house spending time together & having sex--wow!  talk about making it easy for a guy to make no effort at all.  How did you even end up in this position?  Did he say to you on the first night why don't you come to my house & watch a movie?  Frankly that's like a signal to a guy that you'll have sex (even if you don't mean it that way).  Unless it was someone I knew extremely well, like we worked or went to school together, I would not go to his house at all for several dates--you need to make a guy work a little.  I also wouldn't want to be with a man who is not interested in meeting your friends.  I can see that meeting family might have more serious connotations but a guy who can't even hang out w/ your friends is just odd--that's like a signal that he doesn't want anyone to think of him as your boyfriend or like he has something to hide.  Not exactly romantic--if he liked you a lot, he'd be anxious to show you off to his friends and go out in public with you.  And it makes no sense to me that he says he doesn't want to have sex with or date other people, yet he doesn't want a commitment/relationship--what does he want then?  

If you even want to be with him any more, then I would take him at his word that he is still looking around and maybe dating other people & not ready for commitment.  Don't call him, make him ask you on dates--go on with your life so you aren't available all the time and he has to make plans to see you.  Don't settle for a relationship where he just texts you "come on over" and you run over there.  In fact I'd stop going to his house.  Then when he asks why you are acting like this, tell him that you are doing what he said he wanted, which was not having any obligations to each other and you are both free to see other people.  (Usually when a man says that kind of thing, they want to be able to see others, but they don't really want you to see others also.)