Giving him a key to your place???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Giving him a key to your place???
23
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:14pm
How long would/should one wait to give their boyfriend/girlfriend a key to their place? How soon is too soon, etc. I'm considering this, but for some reason thought maybe there should be a time table for something so big. It is a big deal right? Just curious! Any insight would be greatly appreciated :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:07am
Coming from different life experiences than you all here, I cannot understand for the life of me why would anyone want to give someone else a key to their own home - unless that other person was PAYING for it with their own hard earned MONEY.

I could never picture myself doing that...unless there was something in it for me financially, maybe, even then...I don't know about that even.

Aren't any of you afraid that is opening the door to possibly being used, walked on, further abuse - to say the least?




Edited 5/21/2004 2:53 pm ET ET by dannyboone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:33pm
Whoa! Hold up! No, I don't think it is an invitation or an opening to be walked on or used. The only way that could happen would be if the person came over, ate your food or stole things while you were not there. If you had ANY doubts about that possibility, you wouldn't be giving someone a key!

I have been used/abused by men...but I have learned from those mistakes. Learned enough to trust my instincts and to be a good judge of character. These women probably feel the same. They have known their bfs for a considerable period of time...I've only known mine for 4 mos and I would give him a key. I trust him that much. Not because I am blind or foolish - bc I have seen him go out of his way to be a responsible, kind, respecting, considerate human being. I haven't been wrong about those things for MANY years now (10) so I can trust my gut on that. I think its really sad that you can't. It means you have some healing to do. And some decent men to find...even just as friends...so you can learn to recognize the "signs" of one. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:05pm
I knew a guy once who said this chick gave him a key to her home and one day he decided to get rid of it by just tossing it out his truck window, then he stopped himself and thought no, he had a better idea, he drove over to where he met here and put the key on the exact spot they first met each other. And no he never told her. He jsut blew her off never talked to her again. And if this woman had "trusted" him enough to give out her key, what makes anyone think that their guy is any more trustworthy??

I don't think this is a matter of me finding someone "trustworthy". Someone "trustworthy" for me would be someone who would never dare ask for my key, let alone come over uninvited, let alone ask me for my address even in the first place.

This is a matter of stating a fact, that most women do not take appropriate measures to protect themselves.

Do you think a guy would ever put himself out on the line as much as a woman does? HELL NO.

I'm jsut saying, ladies, be careful. They're not as sweet and charming as you think they are!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:46pm
dannyboone,

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:57pm
Wow. Hmm, well I take it that your friend and the chick broke up and he was mad over that and left her key for the taking....

I'd say that is an extreme example. Not to mention unless the guy left the girls address with the stranded key, eh, might not be a big deal. Still that wasn't very cool. Like it was stated before, I would not even think about giving out my key to my bf if I had any questions about how he would use it. You are right, there aren't any guarantees in a relationship or how a person is, but unless you take the chance (after following your gut instincts) how will you ever know. You could be missing out on something great. I don't go around trusting everyone. Actually it's very hard to earn my trust, so I thought this thru and feel good about my decision.

>I don't think this is a matter of me finding someone "trustworthy". Someone >"trustworthy" for me would be someone who would never dare ask for my key, let >alone come over uninvited, let alone ask me for my address even in the first place.

Yikes. Are you saying you do not date or have never been in a long term relationship? You never let the guys know where you live? Do you only go to their places?? I will agree that if my bf had ASKED for a key, I would have thought a lot longer about that...but that's not how it worked out.

Believe me, I know guys aren't as sweet and charming as they sometimes appear. That's why you let them slowly win your trust (and them yours) over time as you get to know each other. It's all part of the relationship process. Who knows where my bf and I will be in 3 months, until then I'm going to enjoy the time we spend together and not worry about all that.


Edited 5/21/2004 4:02 pm ET ET by mindyourstep

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:16pm
That is exactly one of the "signs" I refer to...respectful, considerat men do NOT refer to women as "chicks"...and I wouldn't be dating anyone like that. The men I date pay for my meals, drive me around, etc. They are certainly not out to "use" me. My bf will drive 40 mins to my house at 10pm to give me a foot massage when I've had a bad day. He is a giver...in fact...he's had women use HIM...and I could easily use him if I were that type of person. But I am not.

It works both ways. Men or women can be "users"...friends can be "users"...I have been victim of that many times! Learning to judge who ppl really are and who you can trust is an important skill that is required in all aspects of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 1:14pm
Mindyourstep, he wasn't really a "friend", but some guy I had a childish crush on for the longest time that never felt the same back. I tell myself, look at how lucky I am for getting rejected by him, because he could, likely to have treated me just as poorly.

No, I don't don't date, had one long term R/s about 10 years ago.

Guess you can say I never really made time for it, because I never saw that much benefit from it, but am starting to think about it now, I mean, I might actually be missing out on something, just don't know what that is yet, what's the big deal about it. Why do people get all so worked up about R/s anyway? What's the big deal anyway? Just curious is all, and trying to find some answers is why I'm here, really. Kind of hoping I might learn something I never knew before. I appreciate you all posting and tlaking about this, it is helping me learn about different perspectives in the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 3:38pm
You have to realize that everyone here comes from a different place with different experiences. They are at different stages of their lives and of different ages and knowledge.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:17am
Just a little update. My bf used his key to my place for the first time last night. I went out walking and was out with my friends, when I got a call from my house! It was my bf letting me know he was at my place and asking when I'd be back...there is a tv show we watch together sometimes. I was planning on being home by then and told him I'd be there in time. He said okay and I finished my visit with friends.

It didn't feel weird at all. I didn't know if he was going to come over last night, but I was hoping he would. I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to go in and wait on me to come back. He did say he sat outside in his car for about 20minutes when he saw my car was gone. hehe, but realized he could call me. I'm glad he did. He was taking a nap on my couch when I walked in...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:04pm
Did you have the feeling that it brought the two of you just a little closer together? Wasn't it a comforting feeling to arrive home and find him waiting there for you?