Going crazy and don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Going crazy and don't know what to do
6
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:08pm

Hello...

I've got a long story and it's been driving me nuts and I need some advice from someone who is impartial. I'm going into first year college, and I have been friends with a guy.. we will call him Bob for now.. for three years. We've always had a little bit extra and had a bit of a thing, but had never tried dating until a few months ago. We tried dating when he had come home for a long break, but when he went back.. he broke up with me because he found it too hard to do long distance. About a month after our break up, we stopped talking.. mainly because he chose to ignore me. I got very upset and when I questioned why, he stilll chose to ignore. Months later, he came back into my life and apologized for all his wrong doings. After three months of puttings things back together as friends, we have decided to try things again. Call me a fool, but I believe in second chances and I really love this guy. And we are also going to the same school, so I figured.. why not? Our relationship was going pretty well.. although sometimes I feel like he doesn't put in the effort. We also talked about taking things slow.. as he had a bad experience with a previous ex and wasn't ready to FULLY jump into a serious relationship right away. We had been seeing eachother about 2 or 3 times each week. Everything was going fine until one of his friends told me of some suspiscious behavior of his. He said that his friend, "Bob" had been seeing this girl he met and that he really liked her. He calls this cheating, as they have gone out.. although some may argue that cheating only happends when you introduce the sexual aspect. He also said my guy (BOB) talked badly about me and wanted to break it off, but is just using me for the physical aspects of our relationship. He said I should break up with Bob, but not to mention that he had said something. I talked to another friend about this, and he said that first friend had over exaggerated a bit (he used to have feeling sfor me and is dramatic).. but the basics were true. I talked to yet another friend who said that Bob didn't have romantic feelings for the girl he met and that he wasn't cheating on me. I was furious when I first heard about this, an dmarched over to Bob's house.. and broke it off.. saying I knew about everything. That day, he called me over and over .. until finally I let him say his side.. and now I'm stuck. He said he was beign honest with me and that he does not like this girl at all.. but just finds her an interesting person to be friends with. I'm totally stuck, because I've given this guy many chances.. but I don't want to make the wrong decision. We've only been going out for a month.. and I don't want to close this in before I decide exactly what the wrong thing is. My friends and family all do not approve of him. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:33pm

First thing: Why don't family aand friends approve of him?

Second thing: How many chances in all have you given this guy? Is this a pattern? If it is, then it all changes.

Third thing: The friend who went to your with this entire story of your BF being interested in this girl seems to have been acting on a second interest....split you both up. He may have some other intetests in mind.

Fourth: You shouldn't have reacted impulsively as you did and rather calm down and seek an answer with a cool head. He came around and apologized. He said the girl is an interesting person to get to know.

Only you can decide what to do. Weight it all out and see if this guy, who you've give many opportunitites, is worth your time and effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:49pm

Ashley...

Pianoguy suggests that you end your 'earlier life chapter' with BOB....NOW!

You are entering a new one (first year college) and the "adventures" will be interesting and exciting! Focus on THE NEW STUFF...and not on what BOB may or may not be doing while you're away!

Hope you have a great new year and plenty of fun in college?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 12:14pm

Ashley,

I am no expert on guys but I can sense your emotional frustration. There is a man that I onced dated and we broke up over 2 years ago. He has recently come back into my life and we are now currently JUST friends. He doesn't want anything more. I think for the most part he has clarified that for me. Perhaps you need more clarity on the relationship? I have to accept that I can not build illusions on what will happen between us. It is hard to know when to believe someone or not but perhaps you can be friends with this girl too and see what her intentions are. Don't dislike your first friend for telling you. I think as long as its out there that now you know about their friendship is a good way to put you on alert or send you in a panic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:26pm

Having been there, done that, the best advice I can give you is

1. Listen to your gut. If you feel more inclined to trust him than not, then hold on (for now)

2. Keep your eyes and ears open and mouth shut while quietly observing your relationship and any significant or worrisome changes.

3.Maintain interest in your relationship and be a loving, caring, and classy partner, but retain a life and interests for yourself. Be or become someone he can respect and admire and KNOWS that other guys can and will, if he doesn't mind his ps and qs.

4. DO NOT get too intimate. Women for far too long have allowed men to treat them like the municipal parking lot. If he is not ready to make a "commitment", why should you. You may not realize it now, but he'll respect you MUCH more in the long run. Remember, a relationship means BOTH people showing love and respect and treated EACH OTHER that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:23am

You either believe what Bob is telling you about the other girl, or you don't. There's no way for anybody here to assure you that Bob didn't cheat and that he won't ever hurt you again. You have to make your decision based on your own history with him and whether you TRUST him. If you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship.

You didn't say why you have given Bob so many chances, but it sounds like it's never been smooth sailing. Maybe you 2 should forget about romance (with each other) and concentrate on college. You have a lot to look forward to, hon.

Take care and good luck with school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 10:38am
I go with lightandbright 100% on this one, I think you jumped the gun on this, crucified your boyfriend based on what someone outside the relationship said, someone who oh-by-the-way,

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