Going from lovers to friends...
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| Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:52pm |
I do need some advice if you don't mind. :)
I'm wondering if there is a way for a friendship to return after you've reopened old feelings. Here's the situation:
10 years ago, I dated a Haitian man for 2 years. We were very much in love and had a connection that we've never been able to replace. However certain members of his family had a real issue with the race difference and that led to us breaking up because he couldn't deal with the pressure. (He's very family-oriented.)
A year after we broke up, I contacted him again (I was with someone else) and we re-established our friendship. (Mind you, in the time we were broken up, he did try to get back together with me but I was afraid that the issue of race would come up again.) Fast forward 8 years and here we are today--great friends who have seen each other through a lot.
A few months ago, we went to a wedding together and the conversation of us getting back together came up. He told me he's never found another girl like me who understands him so well, etc. I told him the same. Though we knew the issue was still there, we started hanging out more and more and eventually crossed the lines of friendship. Our old emotions came back and both of us have feelings that are stronger than just friendship. However, the issue of race is still there, it's not something he's willing to go against his family for (though he knows I think that's stupid) and we've had the conversation of us not getting back together. So here we stand.
There's an awkwardness in our relationship now (has been a few days now) and there's a definite distance that wasn't there before. He's told me that he wants to get back to being friends on the level we were before where we hung out, etc. but I told him that there has to be distance if he's going to find a girl his family will accept because it's not fair to her if he's still in love with me. I'm torn inside because I love him and think we'd make a great couple and I don't respect his decision. At the same time, I love him and don't want to lose his friendship or lose the way we were. Though I think the way we were together was due to the love and hope we felt for a future.
Can it go back to just being friends? Does anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of this awkwardness and distance? And how do you shut down feelings? (I'm afraid every time we see each other, those feelings will still be there.) Any insights would be great. Thanks!

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As for getting rid of those feelings, that takes 3 things: time, no contact and acceptance that the two of you aren't right for each other. Unfortunately, the race/family issue makes you not right for each other (because he isn't willing to stand up to his family), so every time you start daydreaming about a future together, I'd force yourself to stop, and say to yourself, "it can't work. He is not willing to be with me. I accept that and am moving on". You may have to do this dozens of times a day but eventually it will become habit and you'll start to accept it in your heart and bones.
Sheri
I’m going through something similar. After my ex and I separated we started to see other people but our feelings were there at all. We started to figure out where our feelings were. It took a while but we found it with the last month or so. The answer was with each other. Yea we do have some issues that we need to work on and were willing to work on it together. If your feelings are as deep as my ex and I it is meant to be. Your friend will have to stand up to his parents/family and say hey this is the person that I care about and love. I’m going to be with her no matter what. See what happens then. His parents and family will notice it and be happy for the both of you. I wish both of you the best of luck.
Thank you. :)
I love your spirit--I can feel the romantic in you. And I do think along the same lines as you... The only problem is, I don't think he's thinking along those lines. We had a few conversations since I posted and he's made it pretty clear that this is what he's deciding, that he may regret it but he thinks it's for the best. Ugh. To find something special and have it be thrown away twice in one lifetime sucks.
Sheri
It's not the same as our romantic r'ship, of course, but it's definitely a friendship I value.
Sheri
Thanks so much for your responses... if I may be a pain in the butt one more time: Since my ex and I were already through this once... we were together for close to 2 years, we didn't speak for one, then came back together as friends for 8 years and then these feelings resurfaced... well I'm apt to think that even if we have a break, the feelings will still be there.
What are your thoughts?
Sheri
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