Going from lovers to friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Going from lovers to friends...
14
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:52pm
First, I want to say hi to all those who remember me. After a surgery, a long (and still ongoing) recovery, I am finally back. And hello to all those I don't know yet. /me waves to all.

I do need some advice if you don't mind. :)

I'm wondering if there is a way for a friendship to return after you've reopened old feelings. Here's the situation:

10 years ago, I dated a Haitian man for 2 years. We were very much in love and had a connection that we've never been able to replace. However certain members of his family had a real issue with the race difference and that led to us breaking up because he couldn't deal with the pressure. (He's very family-oriented.)

A year after we broke up, I contacted him again (I was with someone else) and we re-established our friendship. (Mind you, in the time we were broken up, he did try to get back together with me but I was afraid that the issue of race would come up again.) Fast forward 8 years and here we are today--great friends who have seen each other through a lot.

A few months ago, we went to a wedding together and the conversation of us getting back together came up. He told me he's never found another girl like me who understands him so well, etc. I told him the same. Though we knew the issue was still there, we started hanging out more and more and eventually crossed the lines of friendship. Our old emotions came back and both of us have feelings that are stronger than just friendship. However, the issue of race is still there, it's not something he's willing to go against his family for (though he knows I think that's stupid) and we've had the conversation of us not getting back together. So here we stand.

There's an awkwardness in our relationship now (has been a few days now) and there's a definite distance that wasn't there before. He's told me that he wants to get back to being friends on the level we were before where we hung out, etc. but I told him that there has to be distance if he's going to find a girl his family will accept because it's not fair to her if he's still in love with me. I'm torn inside because I love him and think we'd make a great couple and I don't respect his decision. At the same time, I love him and don't want to lose his friendship or lose the way we were. Though I think the way we were together was due to the love and hope we felt for a future.

Can it go back to just being friends? Does anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of this awkwardness and distance? And how do you shut down feelings? (I'm afraid every time we see each other, those feelings will still be there.) Any insights would be great. Thanks!

 

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 2:03pm
The only thing that's ever worked for me is to not be in contact until I no longer have any romantic feelings for him. It sounds like you might have been there at one point, but him bringing up getting back together made those romantic feelings resurface. So, I think a hiatus from the friendship is in order. If the friendship is true, then a break (even if it's lengthy) will not prevent you from re-connecting as friends again in the future.

As for getting rid of those feelings, that takes 3 things: time, no contact and acceptance that the two of you aren't right for each other. Unfortunately, the race/family issue makes you not right for each other (because he isn't willing to stand up to his family), so every time you start daydreaming about a future together, I'd force yourself to stop, and say to yourself, "it can't work. He is not willing to be with me. I accept that and am moving on". You may have to do this dozens of times a day but eventually it will become habit and you'll start to accept it in your heart and bones.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:55pm
Welcome back!!!

I’m going through something similar. After my ex and I separated we started to see other people but our feelings were there at all. We started to figure out where our feelings were. It took a while but we found it with the last month or so. The answer was with each other. Yea we do have some issues that we need to work on and were willing to work on it together. If your feelings are as deep as my ex and I it is meant to be. Your friend will have to stand up to his parents/family and say hey this is the person that I care about and love. I’m going to be with her no matter what. See what happens then. His parents and family will notice it and be happy for the both of you. I wish both of you the best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:05pm
I'm thinking you're right. I hate to have to do that and I hate the idea of losing a best friend but I don't see many other options at this point. If we continue to talk, etc. it will be like a psuedo-relationship I think.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:07pm
Hi Giggles...

Thank you. :)

I love your spirit--I can feel the romantic in you. And I do think along the same lines as you... The only problem is, I don't think he's thinking along those lines. We had a few conversations since I posted and he's made it pretty clear that this is what he's deciding, that he may regret it but he thinks it's for the best. Ugh. To find something special and have it be thrown away twice in one lifetime sucks.

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:20pm
What has helped me in similar situations in the past is not to think in terms of *losing* the friendship but rather, *postphoning* it, if that makes sense.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:53pm
And does it ever get un-postponed? And if so, is it ever what it once was? :/

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:04pm
Absolutely! I didn't have contact with one ex for about a year...when I started no contact, we'd been broken up for 3 years (we were together for 4 years), but I'd allowed him to keep in contact with me during that time so was unable to move on. We've now been friends for about 3 years (it's now been 7 years since the breakup), and I definitely enjoy our friendship.

It's not the same as our romantic r'ship, of course, but it's definitely a friendship I value.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:34pm
Sheri,

Thanks so much for your responses... if I may be a pain in the butt one more time: Since my ex and I were already through this once... we were together for close to 2 years, we didn't speak for one, then came back together as friends for 8 years and then these feelings resurfaced... well I'm apt to think that even if we have a break, the feelings will still be there.

What are your thoughts?

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:53pm
Well, it's certainly possible that you will never get over your romantic feelings for him and therefore never be able to be friends. But I think if you focus on WHY the two of you aren't right for each other, you'll eventually get to a place where you are able to truly accept that it's not meant to be.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:25am
I was once in love with a man who was one of my best friends before. We had strong feelings for each other, but outside forces made it too hard to keep it on. I still really feel for him, but we can get along well too as freinds. But if he loves you, he needs to know that we are all the same on the inside, color on the outside is just like a book cover. It is in the eye of the beholder.

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