Going from lovers to friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Going from lovers to friends...
14
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:52pm
First, I want to say hi to all those who remember me. After a surgery, a long (and still ongoing) recovery, I am finally back. And hello to all those I don't know yet. /me waves to all.

I do need some advice if you don't mind. :)

I'm wondering if there is a way for a friendship to return after you've reopened old feelings. Here's the situation:

10 years ago, I dated a Haitian man for 2 years. We were very much in love and had a connection that we've never been able to replace. However certain members of his family had a real issue with the race difference and that led to us breaking up because he couldn't deal with the pressure. (He's very family-oriented.)

A year after we broke up, I contacted him again (I was with someone else) and we re-established our friendship. (Mind you, in the time we were broken up, he did try to get back together with me but I was afraid that the issue of race would come up again.) Fast forward 8 years and here we are today--great friends who have seen each other through a lot.

A few months ago, we went to a wedding together and the conversation of us getting back together came up. He told me he's never found another girl like me who understands him so well, etc. I told him the same. Though we knew the issue was still there, we started hanging out more and more and eventually crossed the lines of friendship. Our old emotions came back and both of us have feelings that are stronger than just friendship. However, the issue of race is still there, it's not something he's willing to go against his family for (though he knows I think that's stupid) and we've had the conversation of us not getting back together. So here we stand.

There's an awkwardness in our relationship now (has been a few days now) and there's a definite distance that wasn't there before. He's told me that he wants to get back to being friends on the level we were before where we hung out, etc. but I told him that there has to be distance if he's going to find a girl his family will accept because it's not fair to her if he's still in love with me. I'm torn inside because I love him and think we'd make a great couple and I don't respect his decision. At the same time, I love him and don't want to lose his friendship or lose the way we were. Though I think the way we were together was due to the love and hope we felt for a future.

Can it go back to just being friends? Does anyone have any ideas on how to get rid of this awkwardness and distance? And how do you shut down feelings? (I'm afraid every time we see each other, those feelings will still be there.) Any insights would be great. Thanks!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:46am
Hi Bklynchik,

Thanks for the comments. Sorry that I haven’t posted in a few days.

Sorry to hear that he feels the same way. I’m pretty sure he will regret it in the future. He can’t have his parents control his life anymore. It’s time for them to let go. I hope he thinks very hard about it all and realize that he is giving up a great person who cares about him, loves him as much as you do. It will be very hard to replace someone like that. Yea it does suck to have it all thrown away twice in a lifetime.

I was reading through some of the other discussions that you and Sheri have been discussing. Yes it can get un-postponed. There are times that it can be even better than before. You know each other so well, be able to communicate more, feelings are stronger. Then there are other times that it just turns out to be a great friendship like Shari has mentioned. I agree with Shari that your feelings for him may never be gone and not meant to be together. But you should look at the positive things on it all. That you had a great relationship with him. It just wasn’t meant to be on his side due to his family. Which is sad but it sounds like he isn’t willing to make himself happy and believe that he has found someone that he cares about and loves a lot. Then it’s not worth being in a relationship with him. You deserve to have someone that cares about you, loves you, and willing to be with you.


For Scottandkat, I had the same problem also. The outside forces made it very hard for the two of us. It sad that it happened that way. And that people would be like that but it gave us a chance to move on and find our self again. But in the long run it worked for the best because we have a great friendship and we are taking things slow again.

Giggles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:27pm
You're very sweet Giggles, thank you. Things have just gone crazy with us at this point and I've become so angry about it all, it's hard to really deal with it. So we're both doing the "guy" thing and withdrawing to our caves... I have some serious decisions to make if he doesn't change his mind.

Thanks for your help. :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:19pm
Well what throws me off is that he wanted to be more than friends now he does not. Well I say first figure out if he wants to be friends or not then if he does your love for each other should over come any ratial dispute. If he loves you he should be able to follow his heart. But if he just wants to be friends then I would say try...try hard to forget about those "more than a friend" feelings. It will take some time but if you BOTH don't want the relationship thing to happen any more than it's not fair to either of you for one to still have those feelings. I say follow what YOU think is the right thing to do. You could try talking to him or/and his parents, you could step away and forget, you could wait, it is totally up to you and him to make this desition. I wish you the best of luck and I hope it turns out the way you want it to.

Dragonsbabybluexxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 12:09pm
Thank you for your reply. The fact that he crossed the line again with me confuses me too. If he knew how it was and knew how far it would go, then why bother to do it?

At this point, I don't even know if we're going to continue our friendship. We haven't spoken in a few days after a phone call in which I called him out on a lot. And after mulling it over, I'm still torn as to what I want. Can I be friends with someone who "thinks the world of me" yet it would never go further? Can I be friends with someone who condones racist ideas? And then that makes me feel used... I'm good enough for him to a point but then that point ends... so it feels like I'm being used on some level.

I don't know. A lot to sort out before I decide anything.

 

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