Is good company enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Is good company enough?
5
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 11:51am

I've been dating a guy for a little over three months, and we've sort of settled into a pretty mellow pattern. Some of this is to be expected after you've been in a relationship for a bit, and some of it is probably because he has a lot of competing demands in his life. While this isn't always my preference, I have to take responsibility for some of it, because often when we get together, I generally just go with whatever he feels like doing and I don't express my interests as much (for example, sometimes I'd much rather go out somewhere social and active rather than stay home and rent a movie).

So, with that very little background, I'm in a bit of a quandry. In a few email exchanges, I get the idea that in his mind, it shouldn't matter *what* we do since we just generally like each others company.

It kind of makes me feel bad to say this, but I feel like it's about more than just the company. Lately we've been doing a lot of hanging out and watching TV/renting movies/going to movies/making dinner, etc. Not that I'm a big party girl, but I woudl also really enjoy going out to some of my favorite bars, for example, and getting a drink with him instead of staying in. I don't feel like it's unreasonable to feel like it's about the company, yes, but it's also about doing fun and interesting things together, because that's how you can grow in your relationship sometimes through shared new and interesting experiences.

The questions are: 1) am I being fair/unfair/too high maintenence in thinking it, and 2) if I am being fair, how do I express this need/interest without it going over wrong?

In regards to #2: In the past when I have suggested (okay, maybe not in the nicest way) that we could do something different, he has gotten offended by the implication that he doesn't make me happy just being himself. I don't want to go down that road again.

Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 12:59pm

But it's not all about HIM.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 1:05pm

You are absolutely right in feeling that part of keeping a relationship alive is by doing fun things together -it can get old quick if all you do is sit around. I think the way you expressed it in your email was lovely and could be said to him - it's because you do enjoy being with him so much that you want to share experiences with him. It's not about him not pleasing you - it's about wanting to experience things together to add to your "memory bank" as a couple.


Sherry

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:22pm

Hi emiliana!

First...Pianoguy likes your ivillage name. It sounds very "intriguing and mysterious!"

As the others have mentioned, any relationship between a man and a woman involves BOTH HALVES OF A COUPLE TRYING TO PLEASE THE OTHER! If one half is doing all the work while the other constantly "takes"....it's a slave/master arrangement!

From my vantagepoint, you've got 2 choices:

1. Tell this man what you need from him....and if he refuses to compromise enough to occasionally make you happy....DROP HIM!

OR

2. Quit complaining about a "stiff" that will love and accept you "only according to his terms!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:13pm
Rather than have yet another deep conversation you could say, "Hon, there is a great new bar down the street that I would like to try, how about you and I go out on the town Friday around 8PM."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:01pm

Thanks - all very good suggestions. I'm thinking the last one (thanks chamey101) really was a very good suggestion to uncomplicate things. Telling someone what you want doesn't have to be a big deal - a simple suggestion sometimes works to get things moving in the preferred direction.

I was anticipating a big deal because the last time I suggested that this was a problem, I think I made the mistake of doing it while I was upset, and that made it seem to him like a much bigger deal than it really was. He got upset because he thought I was asking for fancy dinners, etc, which he can't afford and he was hurt because he thought I was implying that he didn't make me happy. And I didn't mean for either one of those messages to register! I imagine that if I had approached it differently then, I wouldn't have been a bit gunshy this time.

We did some different "outside of the house" stuff this weekend. :-) A really nice change. Now I just have to keep reminding myself to speak up when I have preferences instead of falling back to the "sure - whatever you want to do honey!"

Thanks again!