good enough to marry?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
good enough to marry?
3
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 7:35am

I was unexpectedly pursued by one of my best guy friends, and now we're dating. Although he hasn't come out and said the words, I believe he is falling in love with me. Recently he asked me to move in with him, and I agreed (so far, we have an amazingly close and exciting relationship). I care about this person very much, and am thrilled by this unexpected turn of events. However, he's simply not the type of person I saw myself marrying. He is wilder, more rebellious, less career-oriented, and overall less traditional than the type of man I always pictured as my husband. So my question is, if I care about this person enough to date him, and LIVE with him, why do I feel trapped when I think about a serious commitment like marriage? Does it mean the relationship is doomed to fail?

I'm a control freak, and because he chose to pursue ME, I have not been in control of the pace of this relationship. Every guy I've ever dated, I pursued first. In the past, I always rejected guys who pursued me. But this time is different, and this relationship is proving to be more serious than my previous ones. I'm nervous about it getting serious -- is that simply a case of cold feet, or should it be a red flag??

My real question: if he's good enough to date and try living with, should he also be good enough to marry? Is this question (linking a boyfriend to a husband) even legitimate? We have both graduated from college and are in our early 20s, and I'm not even sure if I should worry about this now. Your opinion would be MUCH appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:37am

Unfortunately, life is not a fairy tale. Prince Charming does not ride up on his horse, fall in love with you and then you live a perfect life forever and ever.

If you are interested in marriage in the near future, and this man won't fulfill your needs, why are you wasting both your time? Perhaps an honest discussion with this guy is in order. Tell him what you are expecting out of life and if he isn't going to fit the bill he needs to know.

If you are putting marriage on hold for a number of years and aren't interested in planning your life right away, I'd see where things go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:55am
Thanks for your message...I'm not interested in getting married soon, I was just thinking of the future now. I don't want to waste our time either, but I don't see a reason to stop things yet...just nervous I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 9:07am
You guys are both so young you will probably change a lot before you are even 30. You never know what will happen - he could settle down a bit and you could loosen up a bit and you could possibly meet somewhere in the middle. I think it is too early to be thinking about marriage because there is the chance you will grow apart in a few years after you figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. Of course if you live together for a certain amount of time in some states its considered "commonlaw marriage" and there are legal ramifications. I would look into it if I were you.