Good/bad things with a new girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Good/bad things with a new girl
22
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 9:38pm

Hey all, I know this board is mostly used by women, but I posted here a few times before and have always found the advice useful...so heres goes.

I recently broke things off with my ex. Also recently I've met a new girl. She is easy to talk to, fun to spend time with and I am extremely interested and attracted in her.

The only problem is that she is currently seeing someone. This guy shes seeing though treats her like complete crap. Their relationship is so bad that she hasnt even seen him in 3 weeks almost. He'd rather be with his friends than his girlfriend.

So last night we are just sitting on my couch and starting talking. Talking was as far as it went, but god was it amazing. I learned so much more about her and she did the same with me. We decided to say something true about the other person and then that person would return something they think about that person that is true as well. From that we both learned that we are attracted to each other, that we like spending time together and that we do want to be together. She also mentioned how she liked that I payed attention to the little things about her that her current partner could careless about. We ended things with a hug and it was just the perfect night all around.

My only problem though, is that although her partner treats her like complete you know what, she seems somewhat hesitant to break up with him. I don't know if its the fact that we've only known each other a little while and have only just started having long phone conversations and hanging out, or that she really just wants to be with him rather than me. When we're in person things are amazing, we get along great and I get the impression she wants to be with me, but when she brings up her bf she constantly complains but yet never does anything about it.

I was thinking about asking her straight forward after a few more hangouts that she needs to make a decision, but I don't want to be pushy, but at the same time who would want to be with someone who wouldn't even give you the light of day? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Any help/advice as to how I should approach this situation would be very very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 3:02pm

Sheesh, this is simple ... if only take yourself out of the equation for a moment, and look at it from the outside-in. Meaning if YOU were your own best friend, what would you tell/advise him? You'd probably say "look, the girl has a BF ... she knows you like her, so, let her know that you'd like to date her ... and when the air is clear/dust is settled and she's BROKEN UP with her BF, for her to give you a call."

Period. It's that simple. In the meantime, everything else is just a complication.

And fwiw, the late night phone calls with her crying on your shoulder, complaining about her boyfriend ... that needs to STOP ASAP! That is, if you ever want anything to come of this. You're allowing yourself to be an emotional crutch. Don't. That's what GFs are for. Do you want to be lumped into the girlfriend category? Probably not.

So, stop enabling her ... start speaking up for what you want, and stop this guessing game! The RIGHT thing to do is put the ka-bash on the flirtations, late night calls, crutching and all that ... and let her know that if/when she's AVAILABLE and has her crap figured out, to let you know.

Done and done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:09am

Sorry, but as another guy's perspective, I say you're still not sure of what YOU want.

In your earlier post you shared...

Me: No, I'm done with that part of my life for good, we tried to work things out but they just didn't work.

Her: You had time apart you'll get back together it always works that way...

Now, your comment sounded firm and she shared what she has probably seen in her past or that of other guys. Thus the "you'll get back together it always works that way" remark. You had a great opportunity to be even more assertive and add "No, I'm really over her."

Possibly a clincher might have been to add, "I really do care about you. I'd rather not see you continue to get hurt."

Now in this post you add........

"Things with my ex are kinda starting to happen too now and she wants to take things slow and work things out between us and I'm at a crossroads,"

You're getting a little wishy washy here guy. Stand firm if you're really going to stay apart for good. By going back to her, you're simply going to prove to your new love interest that she was right all along. Remember? "you'll get back together it always works that way". By sharing what you have said here about "I'm at a crossroads" says you don't know what to do. And then you add..."I need to decide which path I want to take and I think by telling this girl how I feel, I will have a better idea what I should do."

Yes, you DO need to decide which path to take. Then you follow through and actually do it!
Don't let her reply determine which way to go. You don't go back to your ex simply because of how your new interest reacts when you tell her you care. Life has many difficult decisions. But you bite the bullet and go for it. Take the consequences and do what is necessary as things happen.

I sense that she senses your indecisiveness and that is what is hurting your chances. Don't go thinking that "saying I want to be the ONLY GUY in her life might not play out as well as I think it could". Yes, it MIGHT not play out as well. Life, unlike death, has no guarantees. You're never going to make a bold financial decision like buying a house if you feel this way. If you can't get past seriously telling her how you feel, what are your chances of asking to marry her?

Understand that my harshness in what I say is because I'm telling you this as if you were my younger brother. You need to grow up and make firm decisions in life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. If you're learning to ride a bike for the first time, you'll likely have to fall off the bike some time. Frankly, if you never decide, you will always lose. Well, good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 10:58am

thanks to all for the help with this entire situation.

I do want to be with the newer girl in my life. She didn't call last night but tonight I'm going to call her and flat out say it. I'm just going to tell her that I have feelings for her and that I would like to be the only guy in her life, and if she doesn't want that, at least she'll know how I feel.

I know that there will be awkwardness over the situation for sure, especially in class tomorrow, but I'm going to try my best and hopefully I can win her over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:15pm
It's not your call for her to break up and she's obviously still very enmeshed in the dysfunction. You need to try to be a friend here and let her reflect and vent, etc. But try not to get too emotionally involved right now because until she's out if, understands why she needed to be in it, etc.,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:36pm
I second the hoping
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:40pm

I've tried the letting her vent to me thing but honestly it seems like when she calls thats the only thing she wants to talk about anymore, as pianoguy said i've become a cushion for her emotionally, but I want to be more than that to her....the thing is though, I feel like she's kinda fading away from me but at the same time is on the fence with her decision with her bf.

I've been out of the relationship for a few weeks, almost a month...I wasn't looking to jump right into another thing, but rather let this girl know how I feel.

I just can't understand how we go from one week ago talking about how much we enjoy each others company, to how attractive we think the other is, and how she loves how I pay attention and treat her better than her bf, to not even talking on the phone..

I think just telling her how I feel will relieve a load of the pressure and at least I can go to bed not wondering and making myself crazy over what will happen the next day...I'll feel the burden lifted off my shoulders

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 2:56pm

toughtimes99...

PG has probably offered too many suggestions on this one, but here's his final thought:

BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS...BUT EXPECT NOTHING!

I'm a firm believer in the adage that some of us have "personal reasons" why we can only take things so far with another human being. "Casually liking" VS "Truly Loving" require RISK!

In the first case...you can be nonchalent with your suggestions about permanency.

In the 2nd...you can express a full range of emotional feelings, but this doesn't guarantee the lady will meet them!

If you honestly want to bring up the subject of "where things are headed between us"---then GO AHEAD! But if I was in your position...I'd play things very cool while continuing to be a good friend!

And that's my final "musical note" on this.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 9:49pm
Hi again. I think you're finally on the right track here. Be assertive to tell her how you feel. Yet, at the same time, be respectful of her needing to decide. It will take her some time and you yourself don't want to rush into things. You both have only begun to know about each other. So, as good as it may feel, take it a step at a time. Being friends and just hanging out is nice. It's possible that one of you may realize that it wasn't meant to be as far as a more serious relationship. Just enjoy each other's company and see how it goes. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:05pm

First off I want to thank everyone for their advice because I really did need it.

I told her today how I felt. I basically said that I needed to know how she felt as well. She told me that she does like me, and that right now she doesn't know what she's going to do...her bf has been nice to her the past few days, but she herself knows hes just being fake. I told her I would wait for her because she was worth it to me, and she told me she wants to talk and hang out as much as we can.

So right now we just need time to let things pan themselves out. Hopefully she does go for me because I know I could treat her 10000 times better than her bf right now, and she deserves it.

So although she didn't say yes she wants me and jump on top of me, I got an answer that I am very happy about. Right now things are in my hands and I intend on making this work out with her...if anything else happens I'll be sure to update, but for now..thank you to everyone who helped me with this situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:48pm

<< I told her I would wait for her because she was worth it to me, and she told me she wants to talk and hang out as much as we can. >>

Well, I hate to burst your bubble (because you really do sound like a really sweet guy!) but ... as a rule, whenever/if you ever find yourself pining for someone who is already taken/otherwise unavailable, there really is only ONE solution:

That is, you tell that person "if/when you figure things out and would like to give us a go, you know where to reach me"

And, then ... its NO CONTACT from there on out.

The rest is just details ... different people, varying situations ... but, the solution (in the end result) always applies ... regardless of the people involved or the situations.

By doing what I said above, that's the only way you don't a) get hurt, b) waste your time and c) increase your chances of not being lumped into the "friend" category.

It isn't EASY in the short term (because you lose a friend) ...and there are no guarantees that you'll end up as a couple, but ... in the long term, you increase your chances (as you said, "I intend on making this work with her" if you back off rather than enable the situation.)

You can "intend that" all you want ... but, that really is up to her, isn't it? You're being there for her as "emotional support" isn't any guarantee. It's more of a liability, if you are there for her!

Why? Because by telling her "I'll wait for you" and agree to hang out as much as possible, all you did was put the benefit further into HER court ... you said << Right now things are in my hands and I intend on making this work out with her..>> ... thigns are no where close to being in your hands.

This simply makes it easier for her to stay with her BF and give him chance after chance, while you're there with your shoulder for her tears.

Sorry toughtimes, but ... if you continue on this path, it will only be more TOUGHTIMES, more longing, more wishing and hoping, more "I know I can treat her better" ... sure, you may KNOW THAT ... but, if she truly believed it and wasnt invested in hoping that her BF treats her better, then ... she would be breaking up with him. But, she's not breaking up with him ... she's HOPING that things work out with her BF while you're hoping things don't.