Got rejected but need to be friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Got rejected but need to be friends
5
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 11:07pm

I asked a girl for a date who has been my friend for awhile.
I'm pretty sure she knew how I felt about her beforehand as girls are keen to that.

Anyway she said "she will consider it".

A few days later, she EMAILED me saying she's not rejecting me but was in a bad relationship plus other baggage. Now she is over that experience but she has no feelings for dating in general and believes no one can make her happy. She don't want me to date her cuz she believes I will be hurt by her and doesn't want to hurt a good friend.

That's pretty much it. She then said she will be on vacation but checking email.

Now I'm wondering how to reply to that.
I'm not one to hold a grudge becuz i got turned down. Its fair.

I don't want to make things awkward and I don't want to sound needy/desparate or easily attainable. At the same time I don't want to close the door. I still want to seem like a catch. Although I don't think anything good can happen due to the baggage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:27am
Honey, the girl is being honest with you and that's a lot in your favor. If she has baggage from a bad relationship you DON'T want to date her. She's not healthy to carry on a good relationship. Noone can make her happy because she has to make herself happy and she may be looking into doing some self improvements to do so. In reply to her message you could say that you understand and that you'd like to remain friends OR don't reply at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 6:31am

Thanks lightandbright! You are absolutely right.
And she has said that she feels she is the only one who could make herself happy.

I was thinking of replying briefly something like this:

expressing that i'm sorry to hear what has happened to her.
I wish she would've let me know about them and if I knew I would
not have done anything to invoke these negative feelings.
I understand how she's feels but lets not stop us from chilling again.

Then I wish her well and suggest to have a few beers when she gets back.
--------------

I hope that sounds friendly and non-pressuring and putting me in a dignified light.
I don't want things to be awkward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 4:59pm
Your reply sounds good to me. Just wait to see what she says. Will be OK with just being friends given that you had/have feelings for her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 8:46am

Well I'm concerned with any awkwardness now.

As far as my feelings go, I have a strange quirk where once I get turned down or rejected its a huge turnoff for me and in my mind I start looking for the next girl. For me, its her loss. I bear no grudges because everyone has a choice whether its a valid reason or just not attracted.

I still would like to be friends but I don't know if I could be the same person I was before with her. Like in my mind, I'm thinking I have to watch what I say or she may get the wrong impression. I guess be me just not very attentive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:08pm
It could be akward at first because she knows how you feel and you know that she's not ready to get into a relationship. In time though, every thing will be OK if you want to save the frienship. It's important that you can talk about your possible gF with her and that she can talk to your about her crushes without you feeling jealous because friends are open about their feelings. I think that if you both have that talk about you both being friends it'll clear the waters. Changing your ways (i.e. being attentive) wouldn't work because that who you are. Anyhow, good luck to you both.