Grappling with mismatched values...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Grappling with mismatched values...
5
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:32pm
I'm struggling with what I should let go and what I should hold true to my heart when I'm dating someone whose values don't exactly match mine.

How would you deal with learning that a person you're dating has some views on people who are different than them such as homosexuals or people of another race? And I'm not talking about radical "kill people with differences" view. I'm talking more along the lines of being a bit ignorant in their views... I meet a lot of great guys and then I find out a view that is along those lines and their greatness just melts in my eyes. How would you handle this?

Thanks.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:34pm
Hi there,

You ask a very interesting and difficult question. To share, what I have found most significant about on line dating is the extent to which I meet people who test my "values" boundaries - I know you did not meet him this way, just sharing that I too have faced these issues quite a bit lately.

Here's the thing - if you believe his views come from ignorance plus an unwillingness to learn - to expose himself to differing views- to read up on it, talk to people, etc, then I do not see a relationship working out if those views you hold are deepseated. For example, I can - and have- dated men who do not believe in G-d but could not date a man who was not open to those people (like me!) who do.

Another example comes to mind - in 1987 I student taught in Harlem. I grew extremely attached to the children and showed my then bf the class picture with such love in my eyes - he took a look at it and said "wow - there's one white kid!" - I wanted to be sick right there - I showed him "my kids" and all he could comment on was color - when I didn't see color in those children. I definitely lost some respect for him at that moment and I remember that feeling to this day.

I could not date a man who made ignorant comments about homosexuality or racial differences - I want someone who, like me, aspires to - if not always succeeds - to form connections to others who are different and to relate to others rather than to turn a blind ignorant eye. It shows true depth and inteliigence and class to be able to admit what you do not know - and, if you have a view, to be able to back it up with knowledge. To me it is low class/ignorant to blind yourself to knowledge and react only to stereotypes and rumors and myths about those who are different from us.

I can understand why you lose respect in those situations - I would, as well. and, I worry that if I introduce a person to my openminded friends/family he may say something ignorant and that would embarass me to no end.

There is no easy answer - not a black/white issue ;-) - you balance the importance of the value to you against the extent of his narrowmindedness and perhaps you explore with him whether he was mostly joking, whether he has done any reading/discussions about the subject to see if there is room for improvement.

and understand that your thought process is very valuable in finding the right relationship for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 9:36am
Thank you. You gave an excellent response, one that is sparking a lot of thoughts... :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:08am
It's just that it is a subject that is near and dear to my heart - and here's the other conflict -and I bet you feel the same way - look, neither one of us is perfect in the sense that we've both been narrowminded/stereotyped - maybe even had a racist thought or made a stupid racist comment or joke despite it being inadvertent - it happens and we each try very hard to be self aware and compassionate and openminded - so when you are faced with a person like this I bet you, like me, remind yourself that even you are not perfect - so it just becomes a boundary analysis - a very personal analysis because what to some would be perfectly acceptable to others would not be. And, you add that to the fact of the "a good man is hard to find" and you question whether you are being accepting enough of a narrowminded remark, etc. Finally sometimes it has more to do wiith the fact that the remark makes the man sound dumb or less than intelligent than the fact that the remark offends your value system - and that's ok too.

I am reminded of a blind date I had once at my favorite cafe for blind dates in manhattan - I was a regular there - my date needed a knife so he sort of snapped his fingers at the dark skinned waiter and asked for it in spanish (to try to impress me?) - well not only was he completely patronizing - the man was not hispanic and spoke no spanish. I was mortified. Next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 12:37pm
Yep, you hit the nails on the heads... I realize I am human and have my own prejudices so who am I to judge. And men are scarce, etc. But then I say to myself I just can't see myself making a life with someone who thinks homosexuals are morally wrong or something to that... I have gay friends and hell so long as you don't give me details of what you're doing in bed I don't care what you're doing. And I apply that same standard to my hetero friends--sure tell me you're happy but I don't want to know the nitty gritty. So I do struggle when I find a seemingly nice guy who has those biases.

Funny about your cafe story--my ex-husband used to go with me to Barnes & Nobles and would leave all the books he wanted to look at on the table when he left. I would always put them in the bin to be returned. He had this idea that it was "beneath him" and that B&N had hired people to do that. It just showed me what he really thought and really twisted my gut.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 4:51pm
I agree with Deena that online dating seems to bring up these issues. Personally before I started online dating I had never been in that situation before - until the very first guy I met online. First date (coffee) went well and he seemed like a nice guy. Second date, we went to dinner, and over dinner he starts telling me that he thinks homosexuality is wrong. I asked some questions, and his view was that he was Catholic and the Catholic church said homosexuality was wrong and thus it was. He had never examined/ thought about church doctrine on his own, just blindly followed it. Which is certainly his prerogative, but not something I want in a partner. I want to have children and what if one of them turns out to be gay? I don't want their father to be someone who would have an issue with that, who would turn the kid away.

My last ex was less tolerant of homosexuality than I am, but was tolerant. That is a bare minimum for me, with a myriad of issues, from sexual preference to race to religion, etc. But that's me. You have to decide for yourself what you can live with. But I'd rather be alone than with a bigot, personally, whether there is a scarcity of men or not.