Grappling with mismatched values...
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Grappling with mismatched values...
| Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:32pm |
I'm struggling with what I should let go and what I should hold true to my heart when I'm dating someone whose values don't exactly match mine.
How would you deal with learning that a person you're dating has some views on people who are different than them such as homosexuals or people of another race? And I'm not talking about radical "kill people with differences" view. I'm talking more along the lines of being a bit ignorant in their views... I meet a lot of great guys and then I find out a view that is along those lines and their greatness just melts in my eyes. How would you handle this?
Thanks.

You ask a very interesting and difficult question. To share, what I have found most significant about on line dating is the extent to which I meet people who test my "values" boundaries - I know you did not meet him this way, just sharing that I too have faced these issues quite a bit lately.
Here's the thing - if you believe his views come from ignorance plus an unwillingness to learn - to expose himself to differing views- to read up on it, talk to people, etc, then I do not see a relationship working out if those views you hold are deepseated. For example, I can - and have- dated men who do not believe in G-d but could not date a man who was not open to those people (like me!) who do.
Another example comes to mind - in 1987 I student taught in Harlem. I grew extremely attached to the children and showed my then bf the class picture with such love in my eyes - he took a look at it and said "wow - there's one white kid!" - I wanted to be sick right there - I showed him "my kids" and all he could comment on was color - when I didn't see color in those children. I definitely lost some respect for him at that moment and I remember that feeling to this day.
I could not date a man who made ignorant comments about homosexuality or racial differences - I want someone who, like me, aspires to - if not always succeeds - to form connections to others who are different and to relate to others rather than to turn a blind ignorant eye. It shows true depth and inteliigence and class to be able to admit what you do not know - and, if you have a view, to be able to back it up with knowledge. To me it is low class/ignorant to blind yourself to knowledge and react only to stereotypes and rumors and myths about those who are different from us.
I can understand why you lose respect in those situations - I would, as well. and, I worry that if I introduce a person to my openminded friends/family he may say something ignorant and that would embarass me to no end.
There is no easy answer - not a black/white issue ;-) - you balance the importance of the value to you against the extent of his narrowmindedness and perhaps you explore with him whether he was mostly joking, whether he has done any reading/discussions about the subject to see if there is room for improvement.
and understand that your thought process is very valuable in finding the right relationship for you.
I am reminded of a blind date I had once at my favorite cafe for blind dates in manhattan - I was a regular there - my date needed a knife so he sort of snapped his fingers at the dark skinned waiter and asked for it in spanish (to try to impress me?) - well not only was he completely patronizing - the man was not hispanic and spoke no spanish. I was mortified. Next.
Funny about your cafe story--my ex-husband used to go with me to Barnes & Nobles and would leave all the books he wanted to look at on the table when he left. I would always put them in the bin to be returned. He had this idea that it was "beneath him" and that B&N had hired people to do that. It just showed me what he really thought and really twisted my gut.
My last ex was less tolerant of homosexuality than I am, but was tolerant. That is a bare minimum for me, with a myriad of issues, from sexual preference to race to religion, etc. But that's me. You have to decide for yourself what you can live with. But I'd rather be alone than with a bigot, personally, whether there is a scarcity of men or not.