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guy with girl problems
| Sat, 11-19-2005 - 5:41pm |
I have been dating 'Carol' for 3 months as of next week. We are both divorced twice she's 46, I'm 49. Carol has 4 children, 2 on their own and 2 at home -girl 13 and boy 6(I have none). We live 25 minutes apart and Carol doesn't have a car. So I pick her up, go home, drive her home and drive me home. It's 50+ miles per visit(total). I have a large (2450 sq.ft.) home that is quite beautiful and Carol lives is a 3 bedroom condo which she really loves. After our second date we came back to my place and made love. The first sexual encounter is usually awkward for me but this was different-and fantastic. And that is where the problem is. I am finding that I'm starting to like the sex too much that it clouds how I REALLY feel about her. She was the first one to say "I love you" and I replied the same just to avoid the awkwardness. It seems that every time we meet Carol is thinking of things to buy her. It started out with buying a bottle of rum. A month later another bottle of rum (I drink vodka too at the same pace).Last week "did you buy me another bottle of rum seetie?" We've done out for drinks 3 times(I work shift work and don't have every weekend off)and dinner twice. After a few weeks she told me "you'll have to buy me a house coat" since she found my house on the cool side. Next came "you'll have to buy me some slippers-your floors are cold". The next thing was that her birthday is in 10 days. "If you don't know what to buy me for my birthday or x-mas- I have a list". Carol has sworn she has this unconditional love for me, but I'm starting to get the hint that my wallet is important too. She's told me she has no interest in my house or the things I have. When I hear the words"I love you soo much" it makes me feel hard not to think I'm a cheapskate and open up the wallet abit just to get that affection("Im ok being alone). It just doesn't feel real. Carol has not put one cent into contributing into this. I think saying I love you and making love is good enough to her. Her idea for a x-mas gift to me is candles (we make love with just candles lit) and saying that's all she can afford. Our provincial government is handing out $400 for every person after x-mas. Carol will be getting $1200. And this from a person who claims "candles is all I can afford so don't expect much". Another thing that bothers me is Carol's continuing saga of bringing up the past with her former second husband and how much of a low lying *sshole he was. I've told her point blank that I'm tired of hearing about it. I'll listen very well to the first two or three times-after that it's a downer.Another thing I get Is "I love you-do you love me?" and 1/2 hour later "I'll miss you when your're at work-will you miss me?" And after we make love"did I make you happy" and ask the same question 15 minutes later. I've started to laugh at how insecure Carol is and definately DON'T FIND IT ATTRACTIVE.
WE've talked lately about my future plans-she eventually wants to be married (to me or anyone-just doesn't want to be alone) and I have no interest at this point as I just got divorced a year & 1/2 ago. She hates her job, the kids get on her nerves, and not having a car puts a strain in her life. I come along and I'm the white knight. She's happier than she's been in a long time. I went away for a week to see my parents (my mother has Alzheimers) and came home and spent the weekend by myself. It was an emotinal week for me and didn't want any company. Carol understood at the time , but our first meeting all she could talk about was how much I've been ignoring her. I don't see her after nightshifts the first night (as I'm on an emotional rollercoaster), and the day before dayshifts- I'm up at 05:20 a.m. I don't spend much time with her family,her 13 year old daughter is a great kid-sometimes. The boy is a hellion with no discipline. His school has given Carol 2 warnings-after 2 more she has to find another school.
I'm getting deeper into this mess than I want. I had my doubts at the start, but now with her bithday 10 days away, I'd hate to end it now, or just before Christmas. I think I know what to do already, but would like some input.Thanks.
WE've talked lately about my future plans-she eventually wants to be married (to me or anyone-just doesn't want to be alone) and I have no interest at this point as I just got divorced a year & 1/2 ago. She hates her job, the kids get on her nerves, and not having a car puts a strain in her life. I come along and I'm the white knight. She's happier than she's been in a long time. I went away for a week to see my parents (my mother has Alzheimers) and came home and spent the weekend by myself. It was an emotinal week for me and didn't want any company. Carol understood at the time , but our first meeting all she could talk about was how much I've been ignoring her. I don't see her after nightshifts the first night (as I'm on an emotional rollercoaster), and the day before dayshifts- I'm up at 05:20 a.m. I don't spend much time with her family,her 13 year old daughter is a great kid-sometimes. The boy is a hellion with no discipline. His school has given Carol 2 warnings-after 2 more she has to find another school.
I'm getting deeper into this mess than I want. I had my doubts at the start, but now with her bithday 10 days away, I'd hate to end it now, or just before Christmas. I think I know what to do already, but would like some input.Thanks.

Hi Skuzzi and welcome to the board!
And please feel free to stick around even after you've resolved this problem. We don't have a lot of guys here and it's always nice to have men around to give a different perspective.
As for you post, since you know what you need to do and since I agree with you, I don't think there's a lot more that can be said. I understand being in a bind financially, however the fact that she's telling you what to buy, etc is... well, obnoxious. Have not, want not. The first thing that came to mind when I started reading your post is Kanye West's song, "Golddigger." Have you heard it? If not grab a copy.
I agree with you... you know what you need to do. Don't let the sex muddle your judgement.
Keep us posted. Good luck!
While I can understand her overwhelming desire to say "I love you" since she's so happy to be with such a great guy, I can also understand how it would be a little overwhelming for you and make her appear insecure.
I'm sorry but Carol is either a) clueless or b) highly manipulative. Either way, not great choices. The words and behaviors you've described make her seem very needy and dependent.
<< It started out with buying a bottle of rum. A month later another bottle of rum (I drink vodka too at the same pace).Last week "did you buy me another bottle of rum seetie?" >>
Any alcohol dependencies/problems on either of your parts?
<< We've done out for drinks 3 times(I work shift work and don't have every weekend off)and dinner twice.>>
In three months, you've only been out together 5 times? That's not much. So, the rest of your time together is either a) you picking her up, driving her around or b) just spending time at your house?
<< We live 25 minutes apart and Carol doesn't have a car. So I pick her up, go home, drive her home and drive me home. It's 50+ miles per visit(total). >>
Seems that Carol is looking for someone to be dependent on. This is not good. May I ask, what did she do to "get around" prior to YOU?
<< I am finding that I'm starting to like the sex too much that it clouds how I REALLY feel about her. >>
One of the disadvantages of having sex too early in the dating process. Easily clouds our judgment; plus, you aren't really getting to know the person and how you feel about the PERSON, prior to making a sexual connection ... which is SO important (kind of like putting the cart before the horse).
<< Carol has sworn she has this unconditional love for me, but I'm starting to get the hint that my wallet is important too. >>
I'd be skeptical of anyone who SWEARS unconditional love at any rate, much less at 3 months of dating. The first few months, even up to a year, are all about getting to know a person, learning about their values, etc, finding out if you want the same things out of life ... therefore, it's REALLY hard to know if you LOVE a person at this stage ... it's more about infatuation than love ... and unconditional love, pul-leeeze (sorry, but that's baloney).
As for the importance of your wallet ... hmmm, yah, I think you're onto it there! ;-) Not just that, but with 4 kids ... 2 still at home ... she's probably got "white picket fence" syndrome ... after all, you said << I have a large (2450 sq.ft.) home that is quite beautiful >> and what she's thinking is "hmmm, I could see me and the kids living here, this place is GREAT!"
Sounds like she's looking for a man to provide her and her children with all the 'fixins'. Nothin' wrong with providership, but ... what's she bringin' to the table? With no car and not a lot of income ... what Carol isn't doing is saying "how can I make my life better?" ... she wants someone else to do it for her ... because, she's not willing to do it herself.
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I wonder how "unconditional" her love would be if you didn't buy her a gift of her "list" or didn't buy her a gift at all ... but, showed her that the BEST gifts are a person's time and attention. Gifts don't have to cost money.
<< She's told me she has no interest in my house or the things I have. >>
If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell ya! Why believe that when her words and actions point to a) taking advantage of your generousity (ie, her "no car" situation) and b) constantly requesting that you BUY HER things.
As for ... << you'll have to buy me a house coat" since she found my house on the cool side. Next came "you'll have to buy me some slippers-your floors are cold". >>
What ever happened to bringing over a few things from home? That's what I've always done. Can't imagine the words "you'll have to buy me" ever coming out of my mouth.
<< Her idea for a x-mas gift to me is candles (we make love with just candles lit) and saying that's all she can afford. >>
Well then, she can darn well afford a pair of house slippers from Target!
Don't get me wrong ... most certainly not saying it's not cool to buy things for our SO's ... but, when it's in the form of "you have to" or sounding demanding ... umm, no ... that's not cool. The beauty of gift giving is in the giving, not the expectation of getting stuff.
<< Another thing that bothers me is Carol's continuing saga of bringing up the past with her former second husband and how much of a low lying *sshole he was. I've told her point blank that I'm tired of hearing about it. >>
Double UGH. You've done the right thing in letting her know that it bothers you to hear about it over and over. Has she refrained from bringing it up since you let her know that?
Secondly, does it bode well for her knowing that she has no problem bad-mouthing her ex's. IMO, that's just tacky. I mean, you could be on the other end of that trash talk someday! The past is in the past ... it certainly does NOT make her look attractive to speak of her former husband that way. I mean, what purpose is that serving?
<< She hates her job, the kids get on her nerves, and not having a car puts a strain in her life. I come along and I'm the white knight. She's happier than she's been in a long time.>>
It's not your job to RESCUE her. She's a grown woman who needs to deal and cope with life on her terms, not life on life's terms. Of course she's happier than she's been in a long time ... why shouldn't she "feel" that way ... she thinks she's met someone who could be the answer to all her problems. But, I'd to 'CAROL dahling'... happiness is inside, it's what you make of it, it's not what someone ELSE can do for you, it's what you do for yourself! Being truly happy means being happy with yourself, and those you align with ADD TO your already happy life ... but, what they cannot do is make you happy if you weren't already. That's a facade.
Question: are YOU happy? Are you happier with her now than you were before? Is she adding value and happiness to your life? (be honest, because it DOES sound as though she's draining you).
Here's the thing about relationships and the "gauge" of whether or not they're going to WORK: healthy attracts healthy, unhealthy attracts unhealthy. If you feel the need to rescue her from her life, that's not healthy. And, that's something for you to address within you. If you want a balanced relationship with equality, respect and common goals, you seek out someone who's "on your level" ... doesn't mean they have to earn the same income or have a 2400 sq ft house (those things are material) ... I mean, someone who has a sense of independence, doesn't want or need to be rescued because she's already doin' "just fine" on her own, someone who will add to your life and not make demands on it.
<< WE've talked lately about my future plans-she eventually wants to be married (to me or anyone-just doesn't want to be alone) >>
What more do you need to know? If you haven't yet got the message that this is woman who simply wants to be RESCUED from her life so she doesn't have to do the "hard work" herself ... you're seeing the signs ... the 'red flags' ... but, if you're not choosing to "obey the signs" ... then, yes ... you're just allowing it to go on deeper and deeper.
<< I had my doubts at the start, but now with her bithday 10 days away, I'd hate to end it now, or just before Christmas. I think I know what to do already, but would like some input.Thanks.>>
It's a tough spot to be in ... with the holidays 'n all ... but, you have to do what's best for you. Otherwise, if you know what you need to do, but ... you're just going along with it because of "timing" ... well then, you're not being true or fair to yourself ... or to her (even though I think she's nuts).
Ok, anyway, I hope this helps!
Good luck.
E
trust your doubts. Dating is difficult even in the best of situations.
I agree with everyone on the board. This gal is interested in your checkbook. I am dating a man that makes 3x-4x as much as I do. I would NEVER DREAM of asking him to buy me a house coat, a bottle of rum, slippers.....I bring over my own slippers, I pack a sweatshirt or wear one of his...I pick up the check when I am allowed.....its nice to treat him sometimes too.....Oh and we have not exchanged I Love you's....we have dated since labor day. In my opinion its way too soon to know if I love him. Yes I like him, but that is a much different thing.........
I would not wait to slow things down with this gal. If you dont want to break up with her then at least sit down and have a discussion about boundries. A relationship is a two way street......
it would be interesting to see what her reaction would be if you said something to the effect that "you had hinted that you wanted to have a small christmas that it was not in your budget to have a big christmas. I was thinking that it would be nice to exchange handmade gifts this year to keep in that theme."
skuzzi,
Sounds like you've got a good handle on the situation. Now, it's just a matter of how to handle it, right? You put your foot down and let her her know that you didn't want to hear about her ex anymore, but ... if she hasn't taken any steps to respect your request, then ... she isn't respecting you much. You don't have to take being her "venting bag" (a little term I coined for being someone's verbal punching bag). If she wants to vent, you could (again tactfully) let her know that she can "vent" with a girlfriend, but that it's not appropriate for her to vent about her ex with YOU! (that is, if it's even worth it, at this point ... considering the other issues ... the demands on your wallet ... that, in and of itself, is probably the key dealbreaker, IMO).
So, question skuzzi, what's ya gonna do?! Is it time for advice on how to let this woman go without her freaking out?