Guy going thru a divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Guy going thru a divorce
7
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 8:42am

So last month I started dating a guy who is going through a divorce. I was very cautious at first... told him I wasn't going to be the rebound girl. He has been so great... leaves me flowers, cards, cute messages, etc. I've asked if there was any chance that he and his wife would get back together and he said "No". My question is should I put the breaks on things until after the divorce? I mean he hasn't even dated anyone except me. He told me the other day that he hadn't been looking for anything, but then he found me. I ended a year long relationship in March because the guy was a complete jerk. Now I find myself really liking this guy. I don't know that many married people and know even less divorced people. I just don't understand why he would want to jump into something so soon... I mean he wants me to meet his family!

I would love to hear any thoughts on my situation. Should I just let things ride... or back away? I just don't want to get hurt again.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:35am

I'd be very cautious. It takes some time to get over a breakup, and especially if they were married. There is a good chance that he's rebounding.

Some questions I'd have would be how long were they married, and how long has it been since they separated? If the time of marriage was long and the time of separation has been short, then be extra cautious. If they were separated for a long time and the divorce is just a formality way after the fact of the marriage being over, then maybe it's not quite so bad that he isn't officially divorced yet. If the divorce is very disputed and traumatic, then that would be a reason to maybe back off for now so he has the space to deal with things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:02pm
They were together for like 3 years, married for a year and a half, and separated for 7 months. I am going to be very cautious, it's just really hard when he is being so great. I'm a very independant person and it takes a lot for me to let someone in my life. I've told him that I want to take things very slow and he doesn't seem to have a problem with that. Thanks for getting back to be so soon. Any more insight you have would be great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:06pm

I dont know how long he was married, how long he's been separated, his feelings for ex, etc. Have a talk with him and share your reservations


Anyway, it is wise to be cautious in such a situation. I'm not saying it's impossible but you don't want to end up rebound girl.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 8:24pm
i have to question why would a guy want to introduce his family to his new girlfriend and he isn't even divorced yet. when you say introduce the family to you i'm assuming he means his children which i think is not that healthy for the kids. most men who have been married enjoy the thrill of being with somebody new and i think that's why he's wonderful with the gifts but i would go with your gut feeling on this one and i think something is telling you that something is not right. if it was me i would probably look at the entire picture. is he really getting a divorce, do you feel he is being honest with you. good luck to you, and honestly if things are going to work and they are right for you both it will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:42am
I started dating a guy last year that was separated for 8 months before I met him, I was concerned about being the rebound as well and he didn't file for a divorce until 3 months after we started dating. He was married for 8 years but together for 12 years ... so I was very cautious too. He also wanted me to meet his family shortly after but I told him I felt it was best to wait until after he was divorced, he is divorced now and I have met his family but stuck to my guns on socializing with his family until then. It has been 10 months since we met and we are moving in together in 2 months.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:28pm
And does he talk about her alot, does he seem open in time to remarrying or somewhat bitter about that institution?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 8:32pm

<< I've asked if there was any chance that he and his wife would get back together and he said "No". >>

Smart question to ask. On the flip side of the coin, what other answer would you expect? That he would actually say "yes, there's a chance of that, but I just want to date you to fill my time just in case that doesn't happen." Of course he's not going to say that. LOL

Only time will tell. You asked << My question is should I put the breaks on things until after the divorce?>> ... IMO, if/when the ink is dry on the divorce papers, then you've got the proof you need that there's no chance of him going back to his wife. But, until then, regardless of what he says, by dating him, you have to accept that that IS a possiblity. If you can't accept that as a possiblity, with your eyes wide open, then it would be best to not date him until he's divorced.

For all intents and purposes, he is still married. Which makes him still obligated to his marriage and not legally an "available man." Now, that doesn't mean that he can't or shouldn't date ... but, anyone who chooses to date someone who's going thru a divorce needs to do so extreme caution, with very few if any expectations.

And, as far is his "availability" goes ... his being seperated makes him physically available; however, how emotionally available is he? I FIRMLY believe that anyone going thru a divorce or break up of a signficant relationship owes themselves healing time. This healing time is what readies us to be "emotionally available" to others. In the meantime, without this healing time, he could just be filling a void, meeting a need that he didn't have met in his marriage/prior relationship. That makes him a likely candidate for, in 6 months or so, for him to say to you "you know, I just didn't give myself anytime after my marriage for myself" and the like. Happens all the time. Right now, you're both in the throes of infatuation ... it's all "feelings, feelings" ... and true, we often can't help who we have feelings for or who we "find" when we least expect it ... but, it's my take on things that, if things feel right between you and you're right for each other ... that there's no reason to NOT put the brakes on it until he's divorced and has had this time to heal from it. I mean, what's the rush, right? He owes it to himself, though he may not see it that way right now, because he's awash in the feelings he has for you.

At the very least, take things slowly and cautiously, don't solidify the relationship as exclusive, keep your options open (ie, don't put all your eggs in his basket) and let it ride. If he wants to "push it forward" too quickly, with meeting the family and all that, just maintain your boundaries and let him know that its best for you if you keep the formalities to a minimum. It's self-preservation, that's all. I do think that by pushing it quickly, wanting to meet the family so soon or what have you, he may be trying to compensate for his failed marriage and prove to himself (and others) that he can make it right THIS time. But, if its right ... it can progress slowly and takes its time.

Good luck!