Guy needs to improve dating skills
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:10am |
Hi, I'm a first time poster and I need some advice or opinions from ladies.
I'm going to be frank and open as possible. So this may be long.
First some background:
I'm a shy 29yr old Asian American male.
I never been in a relationship. I never kissed a girl. Hell I never even held hands.
My teenage yrs I was ugly, geeky and shy, so I don't have many friends.
I have very little social skills when it comes to girls I like.
I come off as shy or nice/quiet or one with no confidence when it comes to girls.
Anyway I'm have a slender physique and I do go to the gym.
I would say my looks is probably about a 7.5 out of 10.
I based this off of several pics I posted on www.hotornot.com
and averaged the results out. But that isn't reliable way to judge looks.
At work I'm pretty sociable cuz my I.T. job requires it.
But I'm the type of person that needs to know you before I can open up.
---------
I've only been on dates with 3 different women before this one in the last 5 yrs,
but nothing came out of it.
So I went on a date recently, it was our 2nd date. Our 1st was about 7hrs,
just movies, coffee, barnes&nobles.
Anyway I felt the 2nd date was kinda awkward and
we were just going thru the motions of conversation.
I felt it was pretty platonic and a get to know each other thing.
I just feel like that wasn't very me and I become my own worst enemy..
Like I was more worried whether she was interested in me, or am I boring her,
or how can I say something witty/funny...or should I throw a compliment there or should I bust her chops, should I be flirty(I'm not the flirty type) Crap like that.
I think its going to be more of a friend thing with her.
Anyway I just want advice on how can I improve my situation.
How can I open up and more outgoing with people I date?
What do females think of someone like me who has virtually no experience?
Thanks!
Joe

Pages
Well, the fact that she did accept a 2nd date with you is a good sign. You must have done something right to get her to that point. Even if it does turn out you are just meant to be friends- that can't be a bad thing! You will have a friend to gain more experience & female insight with, which can come in very handy when dating.
It sounds like you are dwelling too much on what to say & how to act, then just being yourself & trying to go with the natural flow of the conversation. Rehearsed lines always come off as just that- rehearsed.
You said that you were sociable at work because your job required it. Well, why not pretend that you are required to be sociable & act confidently on your next date? It may sound like a crazy idea, but I do believe faking it actually works. I think if you can fake that you're confident, you will eventually start believing it yourself.
Believe me. I speak from experience. I've been where you are. I was always shy throughout my school years & never dated in HS either. Once I was out of school, I realized that I wanted to change all of that. I just started pretending that I wasn't shy & that I was confident & fun to be around. It really does help. My self-esteem is so much better now & I have a lot more friends. :)
As for what women think of men that don't have much experience, well, I can't speak for everyone, because every woman is different, but it really doesn't bother me. The guy I'm seeing now is 25 & doesn't have very experience with women, either. In fact, his 1st date was with me. :) It's been interesting so far, but I'm also the type that doesn't mind taking the lead, so maybe it just works better for me. I'm also a sucker for shy, awkward type guys. :)
I think the bottom line is you just need to get out there more & gain more experience with girls. Have fun & good luck!
singlmomv1,
Thanks for your insight.
I'm going to try faking the confidence but I wonder if people will see thru it.
On a side note, the girl I'm seeing invited me to this Christian meeting on Friday and dinner afterwards with the group. I'm agnostic.
I wonder if she's trying to convert me to get brownie points with the Lord.
I decided to go as I'm curious but maybe it will help me understand her better.
After awhile "acting" confident just comes naturally, so don't worry too much about whether or not people can see through the act.
It's very possible that she's trying to convert you or something. Does she know you're agnostic? I guess if it were me I would still go & keep an open mind about the whole thing. Just don't let her push you into anything you don't want to do, just because you want to hang out with her.
Good luck, josephwon! :)
I am sure there are plenty of great books out there for men on dating. I suggest you go to the library and start reading. Several magazines like Men's Health often have articles about dating.
If you are already sociable then I would use that and be as friendly as you can and get to know women through organizations, clubs, Internet or work related opportunities. The more you date the more you will feel at ease doing it. I don't think women care how much experience you have, just that you treat them well and practice good dating etiquette.
I am a little concerned about the 7 hour date, if you take the date down to 3-4 hours you will leave her wanting more rather than wear somebody out from too much togetherness.
Hi,
So she invited me to her Christian group meeting this past Friday.
I think we had a nice time. She asked whether I was into biking or blading and said it was too bad that I didn't have any bike or blades. Bottom line I felt the chemistry was there.
Afterwards us two had dessert and had some deep discussion about religion and got to know each other better with lighter normal dating conv. We spent about 3 hours together.
Looking back I felt I was pretty stupid and I didn't make moves or show her that I was interested. Or wasn't really funny which is odd as I'm a pretty funny guy with others.
I feel like I put myself into this platonic hole that I can't dig out of.
She invited me to join her and her church friends in the park this past Saturday.
It was ok but I felt pretty introverted. At the same time I feel myself sinking into more platonic quicksand.
Then on Sunday, we went to Church. Afterwards have lunch with her church friends and that was it. One thing I notice is when I tease her, there really is no reaction but when her friends tease her she hits them or fires back with a smart remark. I feel like she's more playful with her church friends(probably cuz she knows them longer).
Any thoughts?
I just have this feeling like I messed up and its too late.
Maybe I should just come out and tell her "I think she's attractive and very interesting and I would like to get to know her better, what do you think of me?"
I don't want to damage the friendship but I also don't want to waste my time.
I'm a little concerned about this "church group" dating arena. Dates are conducted in restaurants and cafes, not in front of somebody's church friends. You have let this woman take control over the dating arena. Either take it back or figure you are going to be good buddies instead of romantic partners.
Call her up, ask her to dinner in the evening and refuse any church daytime event gathering that she wants you to attend. With dating, the man should always be in control for the first few meetings unless she offers to cook you dinner or take you to meet her parents. The first dates are just you and her, not her friends.
You haven't blown it yet.
Thanks
I was planning to call her up today and ask her if she wants to join me for dinner tomorrow. But I'm wondering if we have been exposed to each other too much in the last few days where it became over-saturated.
She is planning to take vacation this coming weekend and then go back to her rigorous school schedule. Her free time is dwindling.
I was speaking to a female friend about this and she said I should just come out and tell her what I think. I'm worried by doing that it may come across as odd behaviour when you compare it to the way I was during this past weekend.
If you think you have been overexposed and she is going away over the weekend, call her up and tell her to have a great weekend but next Wednesday you would like to take her out to that new Italian place that you have been dying to try. You will call her on Monday of next week to firm up plans.
No explanation necessary and no more church picnics for you.
don't overdo anything that it scares her away, and dont do too less of anything that she starts wondering if u are really interested. it's nice that she is open to meeting you. that is a positive sign. it's also nice that she is including you with her friends and u get to see her in social situations and learn more about her, but yes, as the previous poster mentioned, it'd be good for you to keep a balance and take the initiative too. do you think she likes to spend time with you alone. u should find that out soon. being shy is fine. personally, i like shy guys! and if that shyness or modesty is combined with a good self-assurance (a guy who is secure with who he is) then it makes the guy that much more attractive. once u focus on listening well, then u will naturally have something to speak or something to ask and you could keep the ball rolling. at the same time, dont be afraid of silent moments. they are natural. when we are focussed inwardly, we miss a lot happening outside. take ur time, there is no rule that says a couple has to get intimate immediately. The time could vary from couple to couple depending on comfort level and other factors. go with the flow. with some guys i dated, i could never reach a point where i felt like holding their hands. that feeling of intimacy never developed. and there were others, with whom it did develop. don't take anything personally. it's not your fault if nothing develops. for me, the foremost thing that matters is being treated with respect. once i see that care coming from the guy i know i am not wasting my time. the chemistry might or might not develop later due to various factors. and many of those factors, u dont have control over, so don't tax urself, learn what you have to, and just move on. there were many great guys with whom i never did develop any chemistry more than friendship.
and there was this guy who literally came over me physically, and that was a huge turn-off. i broke up with him shortly because that never changed. he was too physically focussed. never ever pressurize a girl. once u see she is uncomfortable, apologize and withdraw. one can lightly caress a finger and still send the strongest signal that they feel close to the person. one doesnt have to be so obvious by overdoing it and scaring someone off. letting u know my experience for what it's worth.
a point might come when u'd want to know what she thinks/feels about you. ask her. it's good to find out if both are on the same page. don't be afraid of a good, honest conversation. it's what makes a relationship more stronger and genuine. make her feel comfortable, share what you feel, and ask her what she thinks. there are people who are so polite that they keep something on, just so they dont hurt feelings. so make sure she is not feeling pressurized into anything, and let her know she can always be honest with you and state her mind. goodluck, and dont worry about anything. u will certainly get more comfortable as you interact with more girls. just treat them as a human being first, and the pressure will lessen. goodluck, u will do well.
This is all great advice. Thanks.
Well I called her and left her a voicemail saying
I would like it if she wants to join me for dinner tomorrow night.
4 hours later she sent me an email saying she'll go to dinner with me tomorrow, let her know the details tomorrow.
Pages