Guy spends all day with ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Guy spends all day with ex
3
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:06pm
Can I just get an opinion from you guys? What would you think if you were seeing a guy for 3 months and his ex wanted to spend the whole day with him for his birthday- to which he agreed? You tell him how much this hurts you and disrespects your budding relationship. Is this overreacting? I mean, who spends a whole day with their ex when they are in a new relationship? This isn't normal, right?
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:29pm

According to my bf, "that's not normal".

There are some who have unique relationships with exes, and can maintain close friendships, but the whole day on his birthday?

A few questions - are the 2 of you exclusive? Have you met the ex? Has he hung out with her before? Does she know about you?

If you've told him that it's hurtful to you, and he's going to spend the day with her anyway, it would seem that he's putting HER before YOU.

Can you give more details to this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:51pm

Sure, and thanks for your reply--

He was still "sharing a mortgage" with her when we first met, but I didn't find out about it until later on. We already had the exclusivity talk. No, I've never met her. They dated for 4 years, were engaged, and had been broken up since this past Jan/Feb. They had a house that they still shared but she had moved out in the last couple months, although she still dropped in every now and again- cuz ya know, they "still shared a mortgage" and of course, technically, that was still her house, too. There are 2 other roommates in that house, which is quite large- I saw it once when I dropped him off one night. I was never allowed to go inside the house, though, because she and he had had an agreement that neither would bring dates to the house, cuz it would be awkward and hurtful, or that's my assumption.
She does know about me. He told her one day on the phone, and she wasn't happy about it. According to him, she "wasn't happy about it and hung up on me." WTF???? If you're broken, you have every right to expect that your ex is going to be dating other people, right???

I broke up with him on Friday, because this was all TOO MUCH!!!!! I just wanted to get an opinion from everyone, though, on what they thought. Yes, I definitely felt like he was putting her above me. Oh and his birthday was a week ago, but she had come up this past Sunday (she lives in another town now, I guess) to spend the day with him for his birthday. OH and he knew that I was off on the same day, but he chose to spend the day with her instead because he'd "already said yes", and he didn't want to "go back on his word". What a sweet girl. >:(
The thing that infuriates me above all else what that he actually made it out like I was being selfish and dramatic about the whole thing, during our last phone conversation. He said that my breaking up with him was an "overreaction" and that "the punishment didn't fit the crime" !!!!!!!!!

WTF?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:33pm

WTF????? is right! Hate to say it, but ... sounds like you were the rebound girl. She just moved out 2 months ago, they were engaged and they had a house together ... it takes a little time to get officially "moved on" from stuff like that. They still had an "arrangement" of not bring dates to their "shared house", etc. See, that's all a SIGN that, while it's technically OVER, it's not yet in that "moved on" stage. And unfortunately, anyone who comes along during that stage isn't going to be prioritized in the way that a growing relationship should be. There's still a lot of past interferring with the present stuff ... and if/until he's in a place to put you (or anyone new) ahead of her, he won't be able to fully commit to a NEW relationship.

While he may have felt it was an overreaction, in the long run ... I think you did the right thing by ending it now. Spending his bday with her, and not you, is NOT normal ... that's just a big "red flag" that he's still in that stage where he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, because he has more invested with her than you, even though they're not "together" anymore ... her feelings still matter to him more than yours. Basically, means he's not ready for a new relationship yet.