Guy who needs advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Guy who needs advice
2
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:26pm


I met a woman 4 months ago at a club, we danced and talked together the whole night. After leaving the club we went on a long walk and clicked really well, we ended up talkng for a few more hours. After the walk she invited me back to her friends house and we ended up sleeping together, we didnt have sex we just cuddled all night. During our walk I told her that I was leaving in a week because I had to work in another state and she told me that she was also leaving for college in a few weeks. We are both from the west coast and shes going to school on the east coast. Our schedules conflicted so I didn't get to see her again before I left the state and by the time I got back she had already left for school. A few days after I left she emails me asking me how things were going. An that she was sorry we didnt get to see each other but that she would be back in December and she wants to hang out. So we end up sending emails back an forth. That night I felt very strong feelings for her and I think she felt the same way. Those feelings continued to grow as we continued to send emails and chat, as I got to know her better. I wanted to tell her how I felt but couldnt think of the right, time until she sends me an email asking me if Id met anyone special and if I talked to my friends about her. I took that as a hint that she had feelings for me and told her how I felt about her. She said she felt the same way and she got good vibes from me that night. So a month or so when by, things were going good, we were talking frequently. Then I asked her how she would feel about being in a relationship and she freaked out. She did this because she had just gotten out of an abusive long term relationship a month before we met. I didnt know about this obviously. She said that she had feelings for me, that she liked talking to me, that I was sweet but just wanted to be friends. She said she didnt want a long distance relationship and she needed time to heal. So I said ok, Ill wait until your ready and she tells me she doesnt want me to wait shes afraid I might meet someone or she might meet someone. So we continue to talk and about a month later she starts opening up to me telling me about problems at school and how shes lonely, how she misses being in a relationship, she misses the support, sex, and love that come with a relationship. So I tell her I can support her and show her love. I ask her what she misses most from a relationship and she says the sex, she wants a sex partner, not a boyfriend so she can feel that connection agian but that all the men at her college are assholes. So I tell her it doesnt work that way, you cant have a sex partner that will only have sex with you, and in the long run it will only make you more lonely or hurt you. So we continue to talk and one night we get into a question and answer session. I allow her to ask the questions. So she asks me what I want in a woman? Does she have any of the qualities I want in a woman? Where I want to get married? What Im going to do the next time I see her? And she tells me she wants to cuddle with me the next time she sees me, that she has feelings for me and asks me if I want to go to New York for thanksgiving with her. A day later she tells me she reread an poem I sent her about the night we met telling her how I felt that night and she asks me if im in love with her?(This was about three months after we met). An I tell her yes I love her and she says I wish I felt the same way but I dont, I have feelings for you though. So I tell her I dont expect her to feel the same way I do. An she says she doesnt want a relationship she just wants to be friends. An lately shes been going back and forth. Sometimes she tells me she just wants to be friends and other times she tells me she has feelings for me and treats me like more than a friend. She calls me before she goes to bed, at weird hours of the night just to say hey. A few nights ago we are talking and I tell her I had sent her an email earlier that day and asked her if she had gotten it. She said she hadnt and I told her I wanted her to read it and tell me what she thought about it. So she automatically assumes its about my feelings for her and tells me "Yah, I know you have feelings for me and I dont", Im a bit confused and frustrated by this statement so later in the conversation I tell her Im glad she doesnt have feelings for me. So she tells me she does have feelings for me but that shes confused, that she still loves her ex boyfriend. Now this guy was a jerk they were together for 3 years, he verbally and physically abused her, but she finally broke up with him before we met. She says she needs room that eventually she will move on. What should I do? I dont know how she really feelings about me because she is always saying conflicting statements? She says she wants to be friends but has feelings for me. How does she really feel about me? What can I do to help her heal? She says she doesnt want me to wait but should I? If so how much time do I give her? How should I act around her when she comes back for Christmas? ID GREATLY APPRECIATE ANY ADVISE.

Thanks


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 4:15am
Greetings manseekingwisdom,
Bellina here,how is your confused poor heart and mind? I feel for you in the complex
gal you're smitten with.I was in a similar relationship 10 years ago.Resided then
in north England(my country)then I thought I'd found my true love.Started out in the
same manner,being friends,even slept over(on his sofa,just cuddling after our
heart to heart chats,laughing,etc.)Both of us were similar in our hobbies,careers(both
in the art/decorating field),passion for art/museums,concerts,simple nights at home
cooking,dancing,close family-ties,backgrounds,etc...Also had deep physical attractions,
shared similar tastes in movies,music,politicalviews,even some idosyncrasies(our detesting
of smokers,health conscious/organic foods,but had incredible addictions to chocolate..)
Perhaps too many similarities.Life seemed good,we were romantic,then suddenly the
passion seemed to lose its intensity.He'd go away on business to Florence,Italy,for
a fashion magazine(he'd had some photography/art work for).I said luv to come,he'd
just kiss me and said,I'll be back in know time,ring me from the Italian hotel.etc.
This was recurring in monthly trips without me,tried to be understanding.Said he
cared for me deeply.I was a fool and declared the I love yous first. A pause,he said
he was so happy,but never repeated love you back.After 4 months,dating,feeling this
strong love on my end,he'd say give him time..He too was hurt by an older lady
who he claimed dumped him and remarried her exhusband..Dear heart,I truly,empathize
but don't put yourself last,give her a time frame to decide if she loves you.She
maybe not yet over this abusive chap,frankly I don't see why.Anyone who hit me would have a restraining order,in a blink of the eye!You seem like a very nice,caring young fellow.
Take heathe,don't get your heart broken,tell her either you remain friends,or if she's unsure in love connections to part.I know this sounds harsh luv,but you seem far
more decisive in your emotions than she does. Know I'm someone who's mended a past
broken heart.Presently I've found a dear fellow,not yet lovers,we do share
a deep bond,emotionally commited to seeking a serious relationship.I truly wish this
works out for you,take care..Your Brit friend,Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 10:26am

Hi manseekingwisdom,

I just got out of a relationship of three years, so I can relate to the girl you have feelings for. With women, emotional ties take longer to heal than physical ones. And by this I mean, "Sara" was in an abusive relationship just a month before you guys met and even though her wounds/bruises have healed, her heart hasn't. It takes a while to get over someone that you've invested time a lot of time in. In "Sara's" case, I am going to assume that she didn't leave the first time he hit her. She probably tried to stay and work it out, but her ex didn't really care. I believe that it takes a woman in an abusive relationship more time to heal than it does for a woman coming out of a "normal" relationship. For one, there is a season when she's going to think it was all her fault, when it's not. The jerk she was with had so much control over her, that he still has her thinking that he didn't do anything wrong and it was all her fault. After this season, there is a time of lonliness. She forgives the guy and wants to see him again, which is very unhealthy. So many women have gone back to abusive relationships. only to never make it out again. After this season, is the time of heartache. Hopefully, after not seeing the guy, she realizes what he was and feels sorry for herself and sorry that she put herself through her past relationship. This is when she needs her girlfriends the most. But anyway, I've gone off on a tangent. But basically, what I am saying is that "Sara" is not ready for a relationship. Though she may have feelings for you, they may be there for the wrong reason. She may feel that you are filling the void that is now in her life and is enjoying the feeling. Like she said, now she's looking for someone to give her sex. To me, that sounds like she justs wants to use someone in order to either forget about her ex or to retaliate how she feels he treated her onto someone else. It's plain to see that "Sara" is confused, so I suggest you give her time. I know that it hurts to have someone play with your heart, but as "Sara" has found out, there are other fish in the sea. Don't jump in too deep without wearing a lifejacket. Save yourself and let "Sara" deal with her problems.