Guys and coming over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Guys and coming over...
10
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 9:38pm

Trying to not be cyncial or jaded here, but answer me this...


What has happened to just going out and enjoying a gal's company? Why are guys lately all about hanging out at the girl's house? And is the assumption just sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 10:24pm
I kind of think it is mainly sheer laziness. Also I think some guys think that if they wine and dine a woman it might end up at Tiffanys within the month whereas a woman just likes and respects a guy who can show their interest in her by planning something and going OUT to do something just the two of you.
I dont let anyone into my place unless I am ok with the idea of their being something sexual happening. I wish I could feel comfortable and safe just letting guys up to hang and have a drink but I honestly just dont. It isnt that I think we are sending a message and must follow through - it is more that I believe that not everyone is who they seem to be and you are better off waiting as a woman before letting a guy enter your home.
This is a great topic - cant wait to read what other people think is going on with the "hey lets hang out tonight" stuff...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:06am

I would be very leery of someone I don't even know well, wanting to be at my place. My experience has told me that there are many guys who will do it just to get that privacy for a chance to get intimate with the girl. And that's their only goal. Rarely has that NOT happened, unless, the guy and the girl are really just pals. But even if ONE is attracted to the other, things are bound to happen when inside a home. Also, unless, both are mature enough to know their limits and show that restrain. There is this guy infact, who, everytime he comes in town, calls me up and asks to meet me and shows up (yup! just shows up while on the phone) at my door, "to see me for a few minutes". Never EVER has he shown an interest to meet outside as buddies. And guess what happens when he is inside. He tries to get close to me. Not for sex, but for being physically close. This guy has a GF. Let me not even get into that. The next time he pops in, I know what to do. I am not opening the door. I regret that I trusted him and told him where exactly I lived, during those initial days when I met him. So just a warning to all the ladies there.... don't let the man know exactly where you live, until you feel you can trust him. But even after that, it's really at your own risk, coz you never know.

Yes, when both the guy and the girl are quite comfortable with each other, then home just becomes a comfortable place to be in and relax. I really see nothing wrong with that, but it gets tiring if there's no balance. Most guys I have seriously dated and have known actually DID NOT wanna be home all the time. They preferred being out doing something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 7:38am
I had one guy last week pull that one on me. I was walking my dog and he struck up a conversation with me. We spoke for about 10-15 minutes and then he offered to walk me home. I said, nah, I'm okay with going by myself but he insisted. So we get to the door of my building and he asks if I want to go up for drinks. I was like ".....do you mean to my place?!" I couldn't fathom that anyone would be so bold. He said "yeah" and I said, "I've got stuff to do!" I swear, I don't know where someone like that has the nerve to ask you that after knowing you 10-15 minutes. My dog's poo stinks less than this loser. I should have known though since he kept asking me to make sure that I live by myself with "just you and your dog" and I was just thinking, what about a woman living alone don't you get?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 6:08pm
Yeah....I think guys Seriously start getting IDEAS in their minds once we tell them that we live alone! I have noticed that everytime, even if the guys *don't show it*. I live by myself too, and I learned that in SOME situations it's best to say you live with someone. I know, I hate to lie...but it's for our own safety. I learned this lesson when once a taxi I sat in on my way back from the airport had this young driver asking me all sorts of questions. I thought he was just being friendly, but it got slightly personal. He asked who I live with etc. I told him matter-of-factly that I am by myself. When I got out of the taxi by my building, and was on my way upstairs, I turned back and saw the taxi still standing there and him looking at me!!! :O Can you believe it....I was so creeped out! I lived in utter fear for the next few days. I learned my lesson. I need to make-up stuff in CERTAIN situations. It could be a matter of life or death.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 10:13am
I don't know, but I'm quite annoyed at this new "trend" as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 10:30am

There is much going on in our twisted American culture (I don't speak for anywhere else). Men somehow have this notion that many women are gold diggers, after them for marriage, babies, a life of leisure and interested in their take-home pay.

Women have gained more independence, getting good jobs and great apartments. So some men figure that if they avoid standard dating techniques, dinner and dates, they can circumvent having to commit, pay, and return phone calls. All they have to do is worm there way into a "hang-out" situation with a woman and they are off the hook.

You see the same confusion on this board repeatedly. Women are "hanging out" with men and then can't figure out whether they are in a relationship or not.

If you don't want to be confused about your dating status there is a very simple solution, quit letting men "hang out" on your sofa.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:28pm

Things have changed a lot since I started dating. But there are some things that never change because they are make SENSE.

If you don't want your "dates" to consist of hanging out at home, don't invite anyone over your house.

If a man suggests it would be a great idea to have you come over and watch a video, don't go. Politely decline by saying you don't know each other, and if he wants to get together, you'd be happy to meet somewhere.

Trust me... if he's really interested, he'll want to make a good impression on you. Which means he'll HAPPILY agree to take you out. If he isn't happy about actually dating you, you've got a dud anyway. Better to move on and avoid wasting time.

I just don't believe men (as a group) have become so paranoid about being someone's meal ticket. It just doesn't make sense... when so many women have their own money and are perfectly willing to pay half the dating expenses!!

I do believe that men are getting away with doing a lot less because WOMEN are letting them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:29pm

This is a very interesting topic. I am a very independant woman and i will admit to giving a lot of people the benefit of the doubt. I will also admit to going over to a guy's place after a date just to hang out (and that is exactly what we did). It does bother me though that guys are out there expecting that hanging out means getting some.

I find it strange when guys also expect this from me. I in no way ever give anyoen the impression that i will give it up right away. In fact i give the opposite impression to people based on the way i talk, dress, etc. Yet it seems as though i have encounted guys who think that within one night the yare going to get something from me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:31pm
That's ok sometimes of course but it's important to always maintain the courtship element and to have him take you out - romance is hard to sustain if it's constantly takeout and grey's anatomy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:02pm
Again once you've started dating hanging out is fine and maybe sometimes at his place too but it also should be mixed up with going out. You're still in courtship mode
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