For Guys: Do you ever 'go back'?
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| Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:38am |
Date 1: I met a guy and we totally hit it off, conversation was awesome, attraction was mutual - we couldn't keep our hands off each other (but no sex). Fed each other strawberries - and both agreed we definitely wanted to see each other again.
Date 2: Talked, watched a movie and made out some more - guy asked me to stay the night but I declined thinking it was too soon.
Date 3: Went running, met some of his friends, but he was kind of running hot and cold with me that day.
Next day: I talked to him about why he seemed uncomfortable the day previous and he said he is not in the right 'headspace' because his ex fiancee has moved back to town and he's not dealing well with it. Said he guessed he thought he was more 'ready' than he is. Still wanted to see me but said we'd have to 'scale it way back'
Over the next few weeks I saw him a couple of times very casually - once by coincidence of running into him unexpectedly. He doesn't seem to call me but if I call or write an email he'll call me or write me back. I asked him to see me once more to talk, and he agreed, saying not to worry about what had happened and 'we'd set something up.'
I know he felt something for me and had a great time until he started 'thinking' too hard about it. It's been one month since our first date. What do you think? Will this guy ever come back to me?

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I think it's so dangerous (emotionally) for you to do this to yourself...
Basically, the guy has no adversity to meeting someone, finding them attractive, and indulging in whatever physical interaction they're willing to ocnsent to.
He doesn't know you as an individual. There is no respect, admiration, acceptnace of you as an individual and someone of merit in his life. Nothing has established that - no contact, no exeriences, no time spent in doing anything other than finding one another physically desirable and engaging to some extent in that physical desire.
He's telling you that his head in not in a place where he's seeking more commitment, obligation, responsibility, requirement to communicate and compromise. HE's got an ex fiance that he did all that with/for (that is what arelationship requires) and it didn't work out....she's moved back....he's finding that space/time didn't resolve his "desire for the dreams of the future" that he has...and he has not maturely and logically separated those dreams from her...so that he can pursue the dreams without her involved.
So anybody that comes along, taht he finds attractive, he indulges in whatever physical pleasure is mutually consented to. Taht's it. His values justified his actions. Values always do justify actions - for everybody.
There is no 'feelings" about you. He finds you attractive, he saying he doesn't mind physical interaction and probably sex - but without obligation on his part.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You had three dates...when was he ever "with you"? I think you really need to let this one go. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Thats how men work.
You only dated him a few times so in his mind he probably never really was "with you" in any sense of the word. If he's messed up over an ex, he's not going to be able to move ahead with you or anyone until he gets that sorted out (if ever). The bottom line is that he's not available for a healthy relationship at this time and it could be a long long time before he is. If you felt you were IT for him, he wouldn't be bothered by an ex moving into town. You still might be good to hang out with or to take his mind off her, but hopefully you're not willing to settle for that, and you'll move past this. Good luck.
Edited 5/5/2004 1:54 pm ET ET by giefan
No, women go back with "I'm afraid to be alone, you might be the best I can get".
If you honestly believe that someone is great, wonderful, intelligent, mature, responsible, and that person shares your values and meets your needs appropriately - you don't leave in the first place.
This guy was looking to get laid....you put out physical affection without sex early on. He kept in contact for a limited period thinking "she'll give it up, she doesn't know me as a person and she was all over me like white on rice". When you didn't give it up - he moved on because "it" was all he was really looking for. "it" being more than just sex - distraction, ego boost, etc. etc.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
He calls, you two hang out and make out......and if you want more of that, you can keep in touch letting him know if he has nothing better to do - he could hang out and make out with you.
But don't get it confused with that he's pursuing getting to know you. He's not....if you're being convenient, free, easy, available, and beneficial - if he has nothing better to do he'll avail himself o your offers.
If he were pursuing more contact because he was interested in you as a person, or potentially dating to pursue a relationship...he'd be specific and make plans with you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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