For Guys: Do you ever 'go back'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
For Guys: Do you ever 'go back'?
30
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:38am
This is a question for the guys out there - do you ever go back to a girl that you met and felt an attraction to but the timing wasn't right? Here's my story, let me know what you think my chances are:

Date 1: I met a guy and we totally hit it off, conversation was awesome, attraction was mutual - we couldn't keep our hands off each other (but no sex). Fed each other strawberries - and both agreed we definitely wanted to see each other again.

Date 2: Talked, watched a movie and made out some more - guy asked me to stay the night but I declined thinking it was too soon.

Date 3: Went running, met some of his friends, but he was kind of running hot and cold with me that day.

Next day: I talked to him about why he seemed uncomfortable the day previous and he said he is not in the right 'headspace' because his ex fiancee has moved back to town and he's not dealing well with it. Said he guessed he thought he was more 'ready' than he is. Still wanted to see me but said we'd have to 'scale it way back'

Over the next few weeks I saw him a couple of times very casually - once by coincidence of running into him unexpectedly. He doesn't seem to call me but if I call or write an email he'll call me or write me back. I asked him to see me once more to talk, and he agreed, saying not to worry about what had happened and 'we'd set something up.'

I know he felt something for me and had a great time until he started 'thinking' too hard about it. It's been one month since our first date. What do you think? Will this guy ever come back to me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:26pm
May I just ask you a question? I've been following this situation from the beginning and have read all the advice you've gotten. What I'm wondering is why would you continue to keep hoping for him to change his mind when he's made it clear through behavior and words that he doesn't want anything serious from you?

I think it's so dangerous (emotionally) for you to do this to yourself...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:06pm
You're overthinking this.

Basically, the guy has no adversity to meeting someone, finding them attractive, and indulging in whatever physical interaction they're willing to ocnsent to.

He doesn't know you as an individual. There is no respect, admiration, acceptnace of you as an individual and someone of merit in his life. Nothing has established that - no contact, no exeriences, no time spent in doing anything other than finding one another physically desirable and engaging to some extent in that physical desire.

He's telling you that his head in not in a place where he's seeking more commitment, obligation, responsibility, requirement to communicate and compromise. HE's got an ex fiance that he did all that with/for (that is what arelationship requires) and it didn't work out....she's moved back....he's finding that space/time didn't resolve his "desire for the dreams of the future" that he has...and he has not maturely and logically separated those dreams from her...so that he can pursue the dreams without her involved.

So anybody that comes along, taht he finds attractive, he indulges in whatever physical pleasure is mutually consented to. Taht's it. His values justified his actions. Values always do justify actions - for everybody.

There is no 'feelings" about you. He finds you attractive, he saying he doesn't mind physical interaction and probably sex - but without obligation on his part.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:08pm
No offence, but I posted asking for guys' opinions. I appreciate all the female responses but just would like the opinions of the opposite sex. And I personally don't think there is anything wrong with having hope for someone that really means something to me.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:13pm
What do you think? Will this guy ever come back to me?

You had three dates...when was he ever "with you"? I think you really need to let this one go. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Thats how men work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:14pm
Thank you, I can see what you are saying. I don't 'know' the guy either, but I guess that is what I wanted to have the chance to do - get to know him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:19pm
No, I never have. My reasoning is that if it's not right the first time around chances are very good it's not going to have changed for a second time around. It would be a rare circumstance IMO where the "timing" would be the ONLY obstacle causing something to not work out.

You only dated him a few times so in his mind he probably never really was "with you" in any sense of the word. If he's messed up over an ex, he's not going to be able to move ahead with you or anyone until he gets that sorted out (if ever). The bottom line is that he's not available for a healthy relationship at this time and it could be a long long time before he is. If you felt you were IT for him, he wouldn't be bothered by an ex moving into town. You still might be good to hang out with or to take his mind off her, but hopefully you're not willing to settle for that, and you'll move past this. Good luck.


Edited 5/5/2004 1:54 pm ET ET by giefan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:45pm
londoness, while his ex-fiancee was gone his head may have been more clear due to internalizing his emotions for her. It's much like "out of sight is out of mind"... but, now she is back... whether he has plans with her or not, it is confusing him... thus the "headspace" remark... what he is really saying here is that he isn't emotionally free to go any further with you at this point. He has unresolved feelings that the sight of his ex brought to the surface.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:46pm
Flip your question around....do girls ever go back to guys that they've left with the objective statement "you're a great guy, I never should have dumped you."

No, women go back with "I'm afraid to be alone, you might be the best I can get".

If you honestly believe that someone is great, wonderful, intelligent, mature, responsible, and that person shares your values and meets your needs appropriately - you don't leave in the first place.

This guy was looking to get laid....you put out physical affection without sex early on. He kept in contact for a limited period thinking "she'll give it up, she doesn't know me as a person and she was all over me like white on rice". When you didn't give it up - he moved on because "it" was all he was really looking for. "it" being more than just sex - distraction, ego boost, etc. etc.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:49pm
WEll I'm not 'waiting' - if someone else asks me out, great - in the meantime noone has... so I obviously still think about him and would like to see him every now and then. Is it ok for me to keep in touch with him? He did agree to see me again - it was just left unspecific as to when or who would call to arrange....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:53pm
You teach people how to treat you...now if you want to keep in touch to pursue more physical affection primarily - that's great. Because that is what he's indicated by his level of interest in you that he's primarily willing to engage in with you

He calls, you two hang out and make out......and if you want more of that, you can keep in touch letting him know if he has nothing better to do - he could hang out and make out with you.

But don't get it confused with that he's pursuing getting to know you. He's not....if you're being convenient, free, easy, available, and beneficial - if he has nothing better to do he'll avail himself o your offers.

If he were pursuing more contact because he was interested in you as a person, or potentially dating to pursue a relationship...he'd be specific and make plans with you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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