For Guys: Do you ever 'go back'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
For Guys: Do you ever 'go back'?
30
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:38am
This is a question for the guys out there - do you ever go back to a girl that you met and felt an attraction to but the timing wasn't right? Here's my story, let me know what you think my chances are:

Date 1: I met a guy and we totally hit it off, conversation was awesome, attraction was mutual - we couldn't keep our hands off each other (but no sex). Fed each other strawberries - and both agreed we definitely wanted to see each other again.

Date 2: Talked, watched a movie and made out some more - guy asked me to stay the night but I declined thinking it was too soon.

Date 3: Went running, met some of his friends, but he was kind of running hot and cold with me that day.

Next day: I talked to him about why he seemed uncomfortable the day previous and he said he is not in the right 'headspace' because his ex fiancee has moved back to town and he's not dealing well with it. Said he guessed he thought he was more 'ready' than he is. Still wanted to see me but said we'd have to 'scale it way back'

Over the next few weeks I saw him a couple of times very casually - once by coincidence of running into him unexpectedly. He doesn't seem to call me but if I call or write an email he'll call me or write me back. I asked him to see me once more to talk, and he agreed, saying not to worry about what had happened and 'we'd set something up.'

I know he felt something for me and had a great time until he started 'thinking' too hard about it. It's been one month since our first date. What do you think? Will this guy ever come back to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:21pm
From my experiences, this is all guys are EVER looking for - I honestly cannot figure out what I need to do to keep a guy beyond that week of bliss. I'm intelligent, successful, have my own house, independent, very fit, active, pretty (I'm told), kind, easy-going and spontaneous/adventurous. I am completely at a loss as to why I cannot keep a guy that has obvious initial interest in me for more than 1 or 2 weeks, max. : ( : ( : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:33pm
hi london....you wonder why you can't keep a mans attention for more than a week...i have to ask, do you often spend most of your first dates "making out" and "unable to keep your hands off each other"?....if so you certainly aren't giving the guys a chance to get to know the complete woman you are....and also, dating is a process to discover if there is a spark of chemistry and a full attraction....i had many 1st and 2nd dates where i realized by date 3 "it" was not happening for me and so i refused a 4th invitation...the only men i dated more than that were guys i got into a sincere relationship with because we mutually felt compatible and wanted to get to know each other more...it is common to have a few dates and move on, those initial dates are when the couple decided if they want to pursue further....so try to keep in mind that it is normal for daters to stop dating around date 3 when one or the other realizes there is something missing...would you expect it any other way?...do you feel people shouldn't use those first 3 dates to decide if they want to go further?...do you assume a guy you feel attracted to will be attracted likewise to you?...to me it seems obvious this guy is not interested in a relationship with you...if he was he would call and date you again...its my feeling he will not "go back" to you.

honey

    

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:41pm
Well, then you're dating the wrong guys! I'd suggest that you keep any physical contact to a minimum for the first couple of dates. I rarely kiss someone on the first or even the second date, and don't engage in anything approaching making out until we've gone out a bunch of times. I generally wait to sleep with someone until we've dated for a couple months and have agreed to be exclusive and monogamous. The idea is to weed out the guys whose primary interest in you is physical.

Also, if you tend to get attached quickly (and it sounds from your posts like you do), keep dating other people until you get to know someone well enough to date them exclusively. And keep reminding yourself on the first few dates that it's early and you don't KNOW them yet. They might *seem* great but only time will tell.

I think I may have recommended these books to you before, but I think you'd really benefit from reading "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills and "Date Like a Man" by Myreah Moore. I don't agree with everything in both of these books but overall they recommend a very sensible, realistic approach to dating and courtship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:08pm
3rd date to most men (or some) means "exclusive" dating for them. i read in both mars/venus on a date and by some other author. it doesnt mean exclusive like we think - but exclusive in the respect they like you enough to just date you for the moment.

I just wanted you to know. Ive had many dates where the 1st one was so much chemistry, and great! then all of a sudden by the 2nd date, nothing, nota.

And to answer your question. He may come back. But you must must must NOT call/email him. Do the opposite of what you want to do, go after him. Let yourself be intriguing now.

Ive had mnay men come back to me after 1/2 dates and some time passed. These are the guys I didnt question , or call etc. Just left it be. Then a month later, they are calling wanting to go out again. Recently I had a guy that i didnt talk to for 2 months!

I liked him the first date we went out. chemistry to the max. then i didnt hear from him. we played alot of phone tag and emailing.. but neve rmet up after initial first date. then 3 weeks ago i get a call from him. And now hes pursuing me like crazy! figures im not interestd, but that is a very recent example for you.

Key to it, is to let it GO. dont expect him to come back. This will build all sorts of resentment. But go on your own and continute dating. if he likes you enough, he'll call again. If he doesnt , good riddance and good thing you got this early on

There is no such thing as "thinking" too much. Men dont normally do this. His mind is probably thinking on your whole dating senario. great girl. thats it. nothing past that since his interest wasn't enough. and w/ you calling/emailing... he doesnt have a reason to think further than that. Udnerstand? confusing, yes.

But just move on your way. and date others for now.

*S

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:09pm
Very well.. You'll hear no more out of me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:05pm
IMO - It sounds like he is being nice and does not want to hurt your feelings. Often times guys dn't want to look like the a-hole and don't really relay the entire truth. Dating is a game and most men do not make emotional connections within the first three dates. You may have a no nookie 3 date rule and He may have a no nookie by 3-dates and hit the road rule.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:07pm
Sounds like because you offer the benefits, ease, convenience, support, pleasure and options of your life to them carte blanche...upon them showing any interest in you.

Which sends the message - really I'm worth nothing as an individual and to be of benefit/use is my only function in life.

People that want an equality based partner - are disgusted by that because they are not looking to have a life of ease and comfort only at some point to have a partner totally bereft of everything, totally insecure and illogical, and needing everything from them.

And people that are looking to benefit via others....flock in, eat at the free buffet, and then get out - before you want anything in exchange/return for this "free meal".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:02pm
I completely disagree! At least I have stuff to offer - what about some girl who has no motivation in life and nothing to offer? from what you say that would be more appealing to a guy?? I can't believe that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:22pm
"Is it ok for me to keep in touch with him?" Sure it is unless he has expressly stated not to... if you are on friendly terms there is no reason why you can't remain as friends and take each day as it comes.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 9:39am
Well I AM a guy and I appear to be the only one you DIDN'T reply to. You're welcome. Glad I took the time out of my day to respond.