Guys especially, please advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Guys especially, please advise.
1
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:24pm

Would especially like a response from the fellas, though all are welcome. We're both 53 and have been dating 25 months as of this Wednesday. Last April, I started asking about when we'd get engaged, hoping we'd marry next fall ('06) when his 3rd is off to college. On about our 3rd or 4th date I told him I wanted to get married again, someday, and that I was looking for a man to build a future with. So it's not like he hasn't known.

I've been like a wife to him for the past year and a half. Yet, he still seems to come up with reasons why he's reluctant to get engaged. Now it's my idea about going to grad school, which I thought about over the summer and I'm now having serious doubts about (too much time and money at my age). I've told him I won't go, I've told him I'll quit after the first class if that's what he wants.

He's a physician, widowed 3.5 years now, and has enough money that he wants a prenup. I've told him I'll sign a prenup, even though I was very against it a year ago. I've conceded on absolutely everything there is.

Yet.... he still says things like "What will happen if it turns out you have real problems with my kids after we're married?" I say to him, "Have I EVER had any problems with them up till now?" You see, I haven't. But he still throws these "what if" situations out there.

And he still says he's worried about the "responsibility" a wife will bring.

My heart is breaking. I am feeling more and more foolish, more humiliated, more conned as time goes by. I've told him we need to decide by the end of Oct. Last night, he said he will probably "give in". I said to him, "I don't want you or any man to give in." And I don't. And I've told him that if he can't bring enthusaism and interest to the idea of our getting married... what's the point. I don't want to "force" or coerce or twist any man's arm.

Please, fellas especially, tell me what you think. These past several weeks especially, I am so sad and depressed about this that it is now greatly affecting our relationship. Do I believe him? Do I trust him? Does he really want me - can he really - after putting me through this? He keeps asking me why I have a "2 year deadline". I just don't know what to say. I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. This is the longest relationship I've had since my divorce 20 years ago. I've been counting on it working out. It's one thing to date a man 6 months or so and have it not work out. But at this point, after 2 years, he knows me. You know? I feel competely and utterly rejected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:44pm

I know you'd rather a response from a man, but as a woman I want to tell you something that you already know (we're good at this, aren't we?)... listen to your gut. You know what you're feeling. You said yourself you feel strange about making all these concessions and still not getting what you want. It really sounds like the two of you want different things and that you can't compromise. And at this point, do you really want to compromise?

You may be seeing your age as a disadvantage. Why? Why, at this point in your life, would you want to concede on "everything" just to be married to a man who doesn't want it? He may be great in every way but if he's not ready, he's not going to make a good husband. Rather than feeling like you're on a schedule, I'm betting that if you go out and control the things in your life that you can, you'll see what will truly bring you satisfaction. And I don't mean just "acting" like you're living your life (we ladies love to do this, too), I mean really being in control and enjoying what right now has to offer. Think it over.