Guys who are just "friends" with a girl?
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Guys who are just "friends" with a girl?
| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 9:01pm |
Just out of curiousity...can a guy ever really just be "friends" with a girl? I have many guy friends myself--and I know all of them would do anything for me. Moreover, they are all aware that I am currently seeing a guy.
They are all real, genuine, nice guys. I will never see them as anything more, but I've heard that guys think differently, (i.e. think that they'll have a chance to hook up with the girl, think she's hot, attempt to date her, etc.)
I think it all goes back to a scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where this was also pointed out: A girl can be friends with a guy, but not vice versa.
Any thoughts? I'd especially love to hear from a guys' point of view.
Thanks!
C

I'm not a guy, so sorry. But I don't believe that men and women can be truely friends, like in the purest sense of the word "friends" like how people of the same sex (providing that they are not gay) can be friends. The sex does get in the way and it is almost impossible to not have a sexual undercurrent alive and well between the two people. One or both are attracted to each other in some sexual way. One or both may accept an arrangement called "friends", used loosely to describe their relationship, but may pine for each other.
I have stayed away from fix-ups with any man that any woman I know describes him as "someone I would have dated, if I didn't marry so and so." Time to run, not walk, run from this situation because this is an explosion waiting to happen. A woman that uses that phrase is hooked on the "friend" and will make sure to interfere with his relationships with other women because she wants him to want her. It doesn't matter that she may be married, she is selfish and will want his undivided attention. A disaster!
No man I have ever been friends with didn't want or express that want of more from me down the road. I thought I could be buddies with guys, it has never worked for me. I have never been in the opposite scenario, where I secretly wanted the guy. I probably wouldn't befriend someone like that, because it would get in the way of me meeting another guy and who wants to hang around someone who doesn't want you inthe same way?
I am not a guy either, but I absolutely completely disagree. I think guys and girls can be "just friends." I have had many of guy friends in my history and they are some of the best friends that I have ever had. Yes, there is a risk that you could fall for them/they could fall for you, and then you have to go through the whole process of rejecting which could affect the friendship. But this does not happen in every instance. One of my best friends is a guy. I have known him for 8 years. He is happily married now, and I hang out with him with and without his wife. I have multiple friends like that.
So, I think it is entirely possible.
Well, unless all my guy friends secretly want to sleep with me (which I really, really doubt), I would say that yes, it's entirely possible for guys to be platonic friends with women.
Even if there is some attraction there, when you're friends, you make a decision that you're not going to act on it and you just don't.
Sheri
Yep, I have male friends like that too. Sometimes I see them with their wives (and I'm friends or at least friendly with their wives as well) but sometimes not, like if I'm visiting back east and have lunch with one of my old fraternity brothers (yes, I was in a fraternity, LOL!). I've been friends with these guys for over 25 years, went to their weddings, etc--there's nothing non-platonic happening there.
Sheri
For some people, sure, but not if both people conduct themselves with integrity, have appropriate boundaries, etc. And honestly, I've found that even if I was attracted to someone I'm friends with at first, the attraction goes away after we've been friends for a while, because I'm so used to thinking of the person as a platonic friend. I just don't even see them that way any more after a while.
So I don't worry about it if a SO of mine has women friends IF I trust him and believe he is a person of integrity. And if I don't think that about them, then it doesn't make sense to be dating them, LOL. And I would hope they would return the favor with respect to me and my male friends. I actually prefer to date men who have close platonic women friends, because that tells me they are capable of seeing women and relating to women other than as sexual beings.
Sheri
It is so amazing how many different thoughts and opinions there are out there. For me, I would not feel comfortable with your scenario because I have seen too much bad come from it over the last 25 years. I have seen that the opposite sex friend eventually takes the place emotionally of the spouse or SO and that threatens a relationship. I have also seen how slick some guys are and move in when things go bad in someone's relationship, posturing themselves as a shoulder to cry on. I have seen both men and women use "friends" of the opposite sex to make each other jealous. I have seen men try to force threesomes on women with their female friends. It hasn't been pretty.
I have seen that when exes become friends and hang out together, the flirting never stops and it hurts the woman who stands there being overlooked by her guy, because, "I dont' get to see Sally very often." It is so easy to fall back into bed with an ex when they are there to wipe away your tears. Not me of course. I don't do break up sex. Never have...never will. In fact, after my first marriage broke up, my ex spent one night at my apartment and I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him because I didn't trust him.
But I wouldn't become buddies with any of my exes anymore. I did with my second husband and he used it as a ruse to be able to vandalize my home because I didn't want to give him any money for it. I didn't force him to sell his bread route like the other vendor's wives do.
It is one thing to say that you are "friends" with someone (I put it in quotes because I feel, today, noone understands the meaning of friends or places any value in having and being a friend) and another to hang out alone with them. Sure, I can say that I have had male friends, but I didn't socialize with them alone. I feel that if I did that I would be disrespecting their wives. I'm from the old school.
I had a heck of a time with my coworkers at a pharmaceutical company. 3 of my "teammates" or "partners" were married men. And when I called their houses to discuss business (we work from home) I found a very chilly reception from their wives, especially at first, and they just wouldn't stay on the phone with me, so I ended up having to call their cell phones during our field time. Eventually when I would call I would have some nice conversation with the wives, and actually enjoy it more than talking to my teammates. The 3 were younger than me, and they were not at all attracted to me physically because I was "the old lady" to them. I'm sure they told their wives that but it took about 5 years for it to sink in their minds.
You see, from my viewpoint, a guy that needs to be around alot of women needs alot of attention that is obviously not coming from me or enough from me. I don't see it, like you do, as that they are capable of seeing women as non sexual creatures. I also see women who do that the same way - needing more attention to confirm their specialness. Our viewpoints are so opposite but it is interesting to see a different point of view. Since you and your SO are the same, thank goodness you found each other.