Had a great time last night but....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Had a great time last night but....
14
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:27am
I want to thank each of you for your advice yesterday. tg - you were right. I was making myself half crazy over something that wasn't a big deal.

I went to the bar last night and he was there by himself (I was not). He made the first move to speak to me and we just kept it casual for awhile. Of course, after a few drinks the conversation turned to some other things and he told me that he was not ready for a relationship. I told him that I did not ask him for a relationship!! Why do guys think that if you want to hang out a little and get to each other better that you are looking to name their unborn children. Anyways, we got all that cleared up and we have plans to continue on with a growing friendship that could lead to more. Is that a crazy thing to fall for??? I think that he was being honest with me. He never talked to anyone else the rest of the night and he really has no reason to lie. I really think that he is a nice guy and I would like to see if something comes of us. Any ideas/thoughts on how to do this without being the one left standing alone in the end???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:42am
I think he is trying to tell you in a nice a way as possible that he is not that into you - beyond friendship - of course you didn't ask for a relationship he just wants you to know right off the bat that he knows you are interested and you are barking up the wrong tree. He could change his mind of course but I wouldn't continue a friendship unless you will be sincerely happy if he dates others. And I can predict with confidence that he will be dating others and you will be crushed and feel like he lied to you. He didn't, he just didn't want to hurt you so he told a white lie. Move on, is my advice.
Avatar for happychick01
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:51am










I know where you are coming from and since he was being honset with you I would just be this guy friend and go from there it worked for and my hubby we were friends for 3 months and then started to date each other and we have been together ever since so be this guy friend and go from there I see no harm in it and if things don't work out then you just made yourself a new friend - Lots of Luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:06pm
You ask:

"Why do guys think that if you want to hang out a little and get to each other better that you are looking to name their unborn children"

Because sometimes that's the way it is! I know a guy who when he was just shy of twenty had someone who after knowing him for about two weeks was falling all over him, literally, with her clothes off, wanting unprotected sex (no birth control). Fortunately, he had more sense than she did.

I think your response was a tinge nasty, but it sounds like you got it about right with him. I can't tell whether he's interested in more than just being a "friend". I'd just take time with him and see, if you're interested. Don't count on anything.

One thing I'm pretty sure of, if you push him too fast, he'll scram. That much I am sure he was telling you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:22pm
happychick - thank you!!! Someone that understands. I just don't think that it is a big deal to be friends first. I may get a few months down the road and not even like him in that way. i just don't think that I am being unreasonable to try?? Do you??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:22pm
You may be setting yourself up for some more disappointment. The "friends" thing may not lead where you want it to. Men who say they are "not ready for a relationship" usually are not interested in the woman, they say this as a way to be nice, you know?

I hope that my words don't come across as harsh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:23pm
You're saying two things at once... You told this guy that you are not looking to get into a relationship with him and that you only want to be friends. Then you say you want to get closer to him to "see if something comes of us." Are YOU being honest with him? And yourself?

Right now, you stand a pretty good chance of being left standing alone. Because you have hopes of turning this friendship into a romance. The guy has already told you he is not ready for a relationship... maybe not with you.. maybe not with anybody. (I don't know if that includes sex, but I don't think it would be a good idea for you to go there with him...)

This is not likely to work for either of you unless you sincerely change your attitude. You must be totally OK with the idea that he may never want to get into anything serious with you, and that's hard to pull off when you're attracted to him. You might save yourself some anxiety by directing your dating energies toward someone who is clearly interested in you.

I wish I could be more optimistic, but I just believe that when a man tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, you should believe him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:38pm
"He made the first move to speak to me and we just kept it casual for awhile. Of course, after a few drinks the conversation turned to some other things and he told me that he was not ready for a relationship."

What a ridiculous world we have turned into! They just met and are already talking about whether a "relationship" is in the works. How could any sane person possibly know at that point? (I know, sometimes what look like one-night stands turn into lifelong loves, but nobody should count on it.)

And if he is just giving her the brushoff -- what a crude way to have to put it!

It's a strange world.

I would still say, don't count on anything, see him for a while, and see what happens. She didn't say she doesn't ever want a "relationship" with him, only that she's not ready to jump into bed with him. And he may feel the same way. I say bully for both of them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:03pm
Okay, I guess I should have told my story a little better. I did yesterday in another post but I guess you did not read it.

We have not just met. We workout at the same gym and have for quite awhile. We talk everytime we see each other and we have called each other. I just ended a long lasting relationship a little while back and I thought I was ready to maybe get back into dating a little so during one of our conversations I asked if he wanted to go hang out sometime. He said "We'll see" and then told me where he was going to be last night and asked if I was going. I went because I go there every Thursday and that is what led up to last night. We kissed last night but nothing else. That is why I feel that I am getting some mixed signs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:50pm
No, she said NOTHING about going to bed with this guy. I don't think "bed" or sex came up at all in her post.

My question to her was "are you being honest with yourself about just wanting "friendship with this man?" Because the most important thing to remember is that HE has already said he ISN'T ready for a relationship. If she's looking for more, she could be in for disappointment. And she didn't "just" meet him.

Now, she writes on this board wondering how she can enter into a so-called friendship and not be left "standing alone." Re-read the woman's post. Then re-read mine.

You will see that it is her ANXIETY that I was trying to help with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:14pm
Whatever. Maybe "relationship" means different things to different people. Sure it does. Usually it means sleeping together sooner or later -- no?

You know all those personals ads from women that say "friends first"? I interpret her response as "I might be interested but not too fast".

Anyhow, she'll just have to see.

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