Had a sort-of date. What to say now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Had a sort-of date. What to say now?
10
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 3:27pm

I was going to try and keep this short, but I have too much to say!

I have a crush on a man who works at the grocery store where I shop. We don't know each other well, yet, but are working on it. He has a visible physical disability... as a non-expert it looks like it may be scoliosis because his back and shoulders are crooked. I'm at a point now where I hardly notice it, and all I can think when I see him is how cute he is. However, he is extremely shy. I have to deal with social anxiety myself, and the more I try to talk to him, the more I realize he has social anxiety, too, and probably worse than I have it.  I suspect this disability has probably hampered his social life and dating life a great deal, which probably lead to his social anxiety.

So we have two people with social anxiety trying to make a connection. This could be a long, slow process, but I'm okay with that.  At first, we'd just smile and talk to each other a lot, but at the grocery store, there just isn't a lot of opportunity to build anything more from that, so one day, I slipped him a note when I was paying for my groceries, and I gave him my number and said maybe we could go to coffee some time. He got back to me a few days later, and said if I wanted to see him outside of work, he is on a bowling league, and I could see him there. He gave me the time and location and so I showed up the next Friday. I'm assuming that, because of the social anxiety, that was a more comfortable place for him to meet.

The day after, I texted him and thanked him for inviting me and said I had a good time. I didn't know how to get myself invited back, so I didn't go back for a few weeks. Finally, a friend suggested that I text him that I had a good time and ask if it would be ok to come back to his bowling league. I did and he responded that it will always be great if I want to watch him at his bowling league. So yay!! I went last Friday and I enjoyed being there. The good thing is I was able to ask lots of questions about the game, so that gave us something to talk about and I showed interest in what he is interested in.

Now, I want to text him again, just to open us up to being more familiar with each other. Even though the invite to watch him at bowling was open-ended, I feel awkward just showing up, without saying something to him first. I don't want to say the exact same thing every time... "I had a good time. Can I come again?" 

I want to text him and let him know I'll be there, but I don't want to be a robot that says the exact same thing every time. Please, help this socially awkward girl come up with something to say!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 6:35pm
Because he seems a little shy to you, are. You comfortable asking him to a movie? A casual, 'I am thinking of seeing dadada this weekend. Are you interested?' Maybe sent on Wednesday? That gives him options to pick a day/tine if he is interested, or to say something kind if he isn't. You might need to take the lead with this guy, which some people don't agree with, but if you know it might be hard for him to move things forward, I say go for it. Be prepared to pay, and maybe suggest coffee or a drink after the movie if it feels right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 8:42pm

I am, and I probably will at some point. But I think I should go to the bowling league a couple of more times. I get the impression that his social anxiety is worse than mine.  For both of us, chit chatting is so hard, that I think a couple of more times just getting comfortable with each other without a lot of pressure is probably a good idea.

I just want to go to the bowling league next week, and try to think of something to text him this week. I'm probably over thinking this, but I just didn't want to say, again "I had a good time, is it ok to come again this Friday?" I wanted to vary up what I say a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 8:54pm

How about...I am looking forward to learning more about spares and strikes..hope it is OK if I continue my education on Friday? I enjoyed meeting your team last week...or if his team is doing well, maybe, OK if i come and cheer for you and your team Friday?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 9:02pm

So you asked him to coffee, and he said,"you can see me while I bowl".  That does not sound like a date to me.  On the off chance that he ISN'T shy, but is, instead, married, or gay, I'd take the bull by the horns and ask, "A catch like you, I can't imagine still being single.  So, why doesn't your wife, or best friend, like to come watch you bowl?"  PAY ATTENTION to how he answers.  You might chat up some of the other bowlers on the league, and ask them what your friend does when he's not bowling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 9:12pm

I have a feeling you may have just skimmed over my original post. Smile I did mention his physical disability, so for me to say "a catch like you..." would probably sound disingenuous. I don't notice it as much anymore, and I just think how cute he is when I see him. But I'm not naive... I'm sure other women don't respond the same way to his disability.

I also think his bowling league is his comfort zone. We both have trouble chit chatting, we both have social anxiety, so this isn't going to go the same as your average people dating --- which has enough anxiety involved, and we have even more. So it may seem unusual to you, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 10:05pm

Since he already said that you could come to bowling any time I don't think you really have to ask.  Is there some kind of topic that you talked about besides bowling that you could mention just to strike up a text conversation?  I'd think that for anxious people that texting would be comfortable because you can respond after thinking for a while, so say you talked about movies or TV shows, you could try starting a conversation on this topic and see if he responds favorably.  Then at the end you could just say "I think I'll come to bowling again on Friday"  I also would not consider this a date.  This might be semantics but to me a date is on one on and has some romantic overtones--unless he seemed romantic like holding your hand or hugging you good night.  I have a friend who I met this summer at a dance event that we went to every week.  He even hugs me hello & good bye when we see each other and we've gone out for pizza a couple of times, but I know we aren't dating (mainly because he tells me about other women he is interested in).  I'd look at this situation as a way to get to know him socially and become friendlier--eventually you may get to the point of dating (I hope you do).  Maybe if you look at it like you are just friends and getting to know each other, it will take some pressure off you too.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 12:10am

<<<I did mention his physical disability, so for me to say "a catch like you..." would probably sound disingenuous. I don't notice it as much anymore.... But I'm not naive... I'm sure other women don't respond the same way to his disability.>>>

You may not be naive, but you ARE at best foolish, and at worst, discriminatory.  What makes you think a physical disability detracts from him being desirable to others?  What has that to do, on ANY level, with his being a great catch???  I know many people with disabilities who live full lives and are happily married.  And they were disabled since childhood.  One of my BFF's, with severe Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, is married and has two kids.  One of whom has JRA, AND cerebral palsey, is 24 and has been married 2 years.

And unless he has said SPECIFICALLY to you, "I have Social Anxiety Disorder, which makes it difficult for me to carry on a conversation",  there is a very good chance you are projecting YOUR issues onto him, and misreading the whole situation.  People with SAD rarely work with the public, and are even less likely to participate in team sports.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 12:32am

It "shouldn't* detract from other being interested in him. I, personally, think he is a great catch. But I live in this world. I have a daughter who is autisitic, and I see first hand how ignorant people can be. It's a dagger through my heart when someone hurts my daughter, and she has it much worse than my two typically developing children. My comments aren't discriminatory, they are based on my personal real life experience.

If he has had an active dating life, then great! I'm happy for him. I,personally, think he is a great catch, which is why I'm trying to go out with him, and seeking advice about this situation. However, my experience with people in general is that many are discriminatory or insecure, and that the disabled do have more difficulty in dating. Not that it's impossible, obviously, and not that it means the problem is with them. The problem is with other people. Having a disabled daughter, I understand this concept more than you could possibly know.

I'm trying to make sense of what's going on, based soley on my own observations (because as of now, that's all I've got), and trying to get some advice about a guy I really like.

Thanks for your thoughts, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 12:44am

Musiclover - I'll have to give this some thought. We basically only talked about what we did for Thanksgiving and about bowling. Since we both have trouble just making small talk, there wasn't much else. It helped that he was bowling, because it meant we could just hang out without always having to have something to say. So it was good in that respect, but I'm just having trouble figuring out what to say next. I'll have to try and go over what we talked about, and see if I can figure out a way to tie it in to a text this week.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 12:45am
double post.... sorry