Is this harsh??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Is this harsh??
28
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:37am
Of course, I invite anyone to reply, but I'd like to say Hi Snaf!! This is sort of a reply to her last post to me... How are you doing?
I said that he proves himself everytime because he just does the proper thing when he messes up. He doesn't even wait an entire day... he calls/comes to see me right away, apologizes and corrects himself. He doesn't really repeat his mistakes. He is really amazing. Whatever, I'm so in love with this person (lol). It's a little scary, but exciting, you know?
I'm also aware in that, I know when you're in love with someone you will tend to overlook things, but I've not done that. I have let him know when his behavior is unacceptable to me. If you let people get away with stuff, then they'll know they can treat you a certain way (i.e., like crap - ha!). In fact, have I done this *too* much? Cause now I know I've said a few times to him that when people have done x-y-z to me, I just cut them off and don't speak to them ever again. And when I say that to him, I don't mean to be mean or threatening.. just telling him how I am! Aw, now I feel bad. Should I stop saying that to him...? Am I overthinking now?
When I tell him that I cut people off this is not a lie. I really do this. I guess I say this to him to let him know that I don't put up with crap. The reason I think I feel compelled to lay this down with him is because his previous girlfriend was obsessed with him and just let him act like an ass - she forgave him everytime. I want to let him know that I am *not* her and if he acts like that with me I have no problem cutting him off *like that* (in a snap!). Is this harsh?
The day before yesterday, I called him and he just sort of blew me off. He was snapping at me and just kind of rude. He was like, um yah, I'm busy right now. Blah! What-ever! I was like oh, okay whatever then. So we hung up and I turned my phone off. The next day when I turned it on there were texts apologizing and then he called me. He was like, you turned your phone off! I was like, yah, cause I was pissed! (lol). He said sorry, he was busy with his friends. I was like, listen, I don't care if you're busy - that's ok by me! But you don't have to be an ass! Just say hey sugar, I'm doing x-y-z right now, talk to you tomorrow ok? I'm totally fine with that! I was like, next time, just be nicer about relating your busy-ness!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:47pm

As far as you being harsh...it can sound harsh, depending on the delivery. I think your actions speak louder than your words here...so I would just focus on making sure that if he disrespects you to say something. When I have cut people out of my life, it is always for a good reason...like they repeatedly do things to hurt me or they do one big thing to me that speaks volumes about their character - it is usually based on their character and their potential to do destruction to my life. Most people could care less if someone cut them out of their lives so they never learn and they stay the way they are - which means that the cycle repeats itself.

I wouldn't tell a guy that I could cut him off in a second...I never did...because after a while it sounds like "blah blahb blah" to them - empty threats. Putting your money where your mouth is...is far more effective. So the answer is "yes" maybe you should quit while you are ahead.

"I want to let him know that I am *not* her and if he acts like that with me I have no problem cutting him off *like that* (in a snap!)." -- again, your actions will paint a different picture to him. There was only one man in my past I couldnt snap out of my heart so fast. I don't know your reasons, but I do it to protect myself from danger - because I know that I am the only one, when push comes to shove,who has ever really been there for me or cared for me. It has always only been *me* who cares about me - everyone else talks a good talk, but that's about it.

"just be nicer about relating your busy-ness!" -- I totally agree with you, men need to learn how to talk to women. He may kiss his mother with that nasty mouth, but dont ever speak to me like that with that mouth. How you would speak to her -- with that "attitude" like we are bothering you or embarassing you in front of your friends...just because you, Mr. Wonderful, don't want to look whipped in front of your friends. I haven't encountered that very often, but when I have, it has been "see ya" - because I won't put up with being disrespected or looked down upon. And if, for some reason, I embarrass you, for whatever reason that has nothing to do with any uncool behavior on my part, I will be very happy to step aside to make room for someone else to stand by your side.

"I said that he proves himself everytime because he just does the proper thing when he messes up. He doesn't even wait an entire day... he calls/comes to see me right away, apologizes and corrects himself. He doesn't really repeat his mistakes. He is really amazing. Whatever, I'm so in love with this person (lol). It's a little scary, but exciting, you know." --- good, he doesn't repeat his mistakes... that is a good sign. We all make mistakes out of ignorance because we dont' automatically know someone's pet peeves or quirks. But after a while, that bit of "getting to know/learn you" should subside. You sound very happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:47pm
Now that I think about it, maybe I do have trust issues afterall *sigh* Argh, I hate admitting that. Cause he tells me that I need to believe in him more. I guess I'm on guard alot. I have my defenses up alot so that if I'm let down, it won't be so bad?
It sucks. Like he was supposed to e-mail me today, and he hasn't so I'm like, what's the f-ing deal? I'm not important enough to you? I would never ever say that to him, but I think it, you know? (lol). Blah, I hate this.
Yah, and now I do feel bad about mentioning the cutting people off stuff.. cause I think I've said it three or four times on different occasions. I feel like I'm going to blow this somehow. And then when I think that, I think, well, he should be thinking the same thing because he's blown me off twice and then was rude to me the other day on the phone when he was "busy" hanging out with friends! Ahhh.. help me, Snaf!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:20pm

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You either are on guard or you aren't. Telling yourself it won't be so bad is really the letdown - because fact is people WILL let you down, hurt you and otherwise disappoint you - just as YOU will do them. THis is part of being human and relating to others. Stop holding him or others responsible for things they had no part of. Have you ever considered how those people you've 'cut-off' have felt about you? Don't you think they were deeply hurt, disappointed and let down by YOU?

So trying to protect yourself from what is inevitable is foolish and really only keeps you from enjoying the good stuff - you can't see the sunshine if you never open your eyes.

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ok - Today lasts until 11:59 pm - what time did you counter start for him to 'fail' in meeting your expectations? Teh thing about thinking someone will hurt and disappoint you is that you are ALWAYS RIGHT - you create imaginary scenarios, set up ridiculous expectations and tests and never tell them, so that when they don't meet those unrealistic and unexpressed standards, they've proven you right. Hon, you should do both of you a favor and end the relationship before too much damage is done - you don't trust yourself to see what is real and what is not and you don't trust him to respect you or to tell him what you really feel. No trust = no relationship.

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Cutting people off is an immature and ineffective way to handle conflict. YOu've said it to him a few times because that is how you'll likely handle a conflict with him - you won't. You'll run from it. Why are you afraid of dealing with conflicts? Do you think people don't deserve to be heard or forgiven if they've inadvertantly hurt you? Wouold you want someone to offer you a chance to apologize if you did something wrong? You are holding onto unforgiveness and that will of course, keep you in a distrustful place.

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Whatever you think is what you tend to create in your life - you are focusing on all the negatives that 'he' is or isn't doing or how you will blow it, etc - and then you both resort to game playing - avoidance - for the smallest slights - I'd say its highly probable thatit won't work - because you don't know how to communicate to each other in an adult and effective manner. Avoiding conflicts do not make them go away - they get postponed - until hte conflict is so huge that you completely throw the relationship away. Wouldn't it be nice to know how to deal with conflicts effectively so that you don't keep losing friends? Wouldn't it be nice to not worry about 'blowing it' because you;ve learned how to openly and honestly share your feelings and what you want and expect from others?

Hon, until you learn to communicate in an adult manner and work through conflicts productively, then your relationships will be one conflict after another - and you'll have a trail of 'cut-off' bodies in your wake. This is on you to correct. No relationship will improve until you improve how you relate to yourself and others in all situations.

The longer you hide from your own anger and unforgiveness towards others, the more insecure you will feel in your reltionships, the more your anger and resentment will control you and the unhappier you will be. This is the pain you really wish to avoid - you are letting yourself down - so you tell me - is 'not so bad' allowing you happiness in your life?

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:41pm
I don't really have any anger or resentment, so that's that with that one... Um, definitely about the tests. Tests they don't know about. It's unfair. Communication... I mean, we're pretty good at it. For the next two weeks, we're long-distance and we've never been apart this long so it's kind of new.
As for me cutting people off... I give two chances usually and then that's it. I just don't put up with crap cause I've taken so much of it. I'm done with that. If I'm cutting someone off, they deserved it. I don't think of it as "I don't forgive you" so much as I can't take their crap anymore and keeping something going with that person (this includes friendships) will just make me unhappy so goodbye. I don't think that's immature. That's just getting rid of negative energy that I don't ned in my life.
The stuff with my boyfriend.. God, I dunno.. pure insecurity on my part, I guess. I don't even know. Trust... yah. Trust is hard, you know. I know, people are human and hurt each other, etc... I just need to deal. Gotcha. Gracias.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:59pm

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Are you clearly communicating that they've done something offensive to you and told them exactly what you need from them so it doesn't happen again? Unless you are doing this, then there is no way someone will know to not do it again. And its inevitable that they will.

If something keeps happening to you over and over again - then there is something that you are or are not doing that allows that particular behavior. There is no need to 'put up wiht crap' when you are communicating well - because the results of your communication is in the response you get - and if its not what you want, you didn't communicate it well.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 6:05pm
I've jut been abused by a couple of guys and then a couple of friends. I let them know what wasn't working, their behavior didn't change, but I still forgave and stayed in it. I don't do that anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 6:08pm
... oh BTW, it is also doesn't make sense to put it all on your communication... if they don't change their behavior it's more likely not because I didn't communicate what was wrong well.. They hear it, understand it, but just don't change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 7:55pm

"I have my defenses up alot so that if I'm let down, it won't be so bad?" -- yup.

"I'm not important enough to you? I would never ever say that to him, but I think it, you know? (lol)." -- perfectly normal to think whatever you want to think.

"cause I think I've said it three or four times on different occasions. I feel like I'm going to blow this somehow" -- you probably caught it in time.

If he doesn't send you an email by tomorrow evening, you can send him an email asking how he is doing. Since you know you keep your guard up and have possibly come across as harsh, you might want to counteract this by lightening up a bit around him so that you both just focus on love and fun and/or loving fun, hehe. If he knows he'll have a good time with you - be it sex or just light hearted humor or tv watching or doing something he's wanted todo for a while, then maybe his attitude will lighten too.

I am a little different than you in that I keep those volatile emotions to myself. I have learned to do that over the years because I have seen that opening that raw part of my heart and letting them see pain inside of me doesnt accomplish anything. Not sure if it is because of the men I dated or married or it is because of a something else that whirled around me for many years - an ambush by a group of people and that is what they wanted me to feel - alone in my hurt - the hurt of not having someone to care about what pain I feel or dont feel. Regardless....because of these experiences, I will express myself and let the guy know if my feelings are hurt and because men can relate to logical expression better than raw emotions, I have had better results with just simple expression of feeling hurt or violated or disrespected. The bad news is that the emotions have nowhere to go and they linger inside of me for a while..which is not healthy for me or the relationship. But what do you do? If he sees you getting emotional - he turns off inside. There's no winning here. I can vent to anyone or just cry alone at home, and while that's temporary relief - it is not like addressing it with the person who caused the pain. And because of raw emotional build up, when I decide I have had ENOUGH ...then it's OVER and the guy may feel like he doesn't know what hit him. Since I don't issue threats guys have not been prepared for my response to them attempting to reconcile - which is usually "no thank you."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:08pm
I agree with one aspect of what tonitoons said about communicating our disappointments and hurts in an effective way. Like you, I have had the "pleasure" of having friends and men in my life who did not appreciate me in their lives. Like you, I decided that I need not continue with these relationships. In this area I will respectfully disagree with tonitoons because there comes a time that you can't keep forgiving the same b.s. over and over. I don't agree that you did not communicate clearly; I'm sure you did. To put the entire onus onto you or me is ridiculous. That is what creates victimization and further abuse. Taking responsibility for your life is different from TAKING IT ON and when you take responsibility for your life, it does mean that you have to know when to fold and walk away. Taking the b.s. on alleviates the abusers of responsibility and it is always because you didn't handle it well -- that is what guys want us to believe as well as bad psychologists. If you take it all on, you'll eventually collapse because you cant be perfect. The trick is to identify the traits of a player (whether it be friend or love) and traits of someone who just has bad character. Sometimes it takes a while, especially if you have been a trusting person. The world has changed. It used to be a safe, fun loving place and people have turned it into the "kill or be killed" arena. That is what I see in Florida. Sometimes bad relationships or abusive relationships are experienced because people are just plain s$it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:16pm
I wanted to comment on this: "Just say hey sugar, I'm doing x-y-z right now, talk to you tomorrow ok? I'm totally fine with that! I was like, next time, just be nicer about relating your busy-ness." If a guy ever let me feel that I was being blown off without a call just because he couldn't say that it wasn't a good time to communicate but "I'll contact you at a later date", then I would feel that he was treating me in a cruel manner.


Edited 6/13/2007 8:48 pm ET by snafu2006

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